Tiny Bubble

I met girlfriends for brunch on Sunday, downtown, gps required. I was late.

I used to be reliable, not on time, early. I was more comfortable planning extra time, rather be early than late.

I could figure out how to run most computer programs on my own.

Jot down a few directions and go.

I’ve flown all over the country and even out of once, alone. Confident, sure I could figure it out, excited at the chance to try. Taken the Tube from a hostel to the theater with a map to meet friends. I was fine. I was free.


Lately I’ve noticed that driving at night makes me anxious. My depth perception is getting worse.

Going downtown, which used to excite me, makes me nervous and often, even with the gps, I make a wrong turn or two, forgetting that street is one way. I’m late, all the time. Count on a good 10 extra minutes, Christina is having a mild panic attack trying to find a place to park. I used to parallel park like a pro. Not anymore, I can in my own car but rarely on the first attempt. If I’m driving Mikes car, I wont even try. I’ll just walk a mile.

It’s been six years since I left my life. The one of comfort and ease, freedom and routine. It seems that with each passing year I loose more and more of my ability to function in what used to be every day situations. I shouldn’t sweat through my shirt wondering if the restaurant is on-street parking.

I’m not sure if there is anything I can “do” about this other than push back. Drive at night anyway, go downtown anyway, etc. I have no plans on not doing these things but I cant lie, I am unhappy here. Not in my bubble as a whole, being home with the boys is all I want for them (for a few more years) but I don’t like that regular, everyday things are becoming events.

Is this aging, GAD, part of being a STAM vs. working full time? I don’t know, but it can hang. I will keep pushing. I won’t be the one who is afraid to drive on the freeway. But I’ll probably be a few minutes late.


7 thoughts on “Tiny Bubble

  1. I’m like this too and I’m out amongst the people every day! It’s always with things I used to do all the time but am now out of practice for, just like all those things you mentioned. And I think that’s exactly it – I’m just out of practice. I tend to stay in my comfort zone 95% of the time so even things that used to be second nature make me think twice. Don’t take it too hard…I think as long as you’re still doing those things that make you uncomfortable then all is well.

  2. I’ve noticed, too, that since I quit to stay home a year ago I’ve become much less comfortable with driving in the dark. It stresses me out. I don’t like it.

  3. I don’t think I’ve driven in the dark in over a year. It never used to be a thing and then poof! Now it is. And after moving to the burbs, the city wigs me out too. It’s fun and exciting but yeah, meters, one way streets. My friend is having birthday drinks in the city next weekend and I’m not sure I can pull it. Having a baby contributes too. Getting old, gah.

  4. I think sometimes we just get weird as we get older.

    My parents aren’t old-old (54 and 63) and I’m starting to see them turning a bit Weird about things. Things like making sure their garage doesn’t have mud in it and that certain doors are closed or open due to heating/cooling flow in their house. I mean…??


  5. I have noticed this as I get older and I do not have children. Even my Mom mentioned that she never used to be this anxious or worrisome. I stress about parking, driving, if some place will be too busy or crowded. It sucks, but I try not to give into things too often. I hear you, I feel you and love you lots.

  6. I think the driving at night thing is common for people without jobs that force them to drive at night. I’m the same, but my life is during the day. When I get home for the night, I’m tired and I don’t want to leave. So I don’t. But then one day I do and it feels weird to be out at night when my vision isn’t 100 percent.

    I’m with K. Let’s all FIGHT THE WEIRD.

    (PS Totally jealous I couldn’t be out on the town with you and Shell.)

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