Tiny Bubble

I met girlfriends for brunch on Sunday, downtown, gps required. I was late.

I used to be reliable, not on time, early. I was more comfortable planning extra time, rather be early than late.

I could figure out how to run most computer programs on my own.

Jot down a few directions and go.

I’ve flown all over the country and even out of once, alone. Confident, sure I could figure it out, excited at the chance to try. Taken the Tube from a hostel to the theater with a map to meet friends. I was fine. I was free.

Comfortable.

Lately I’ve noticed that driving at night makes me anxious. My depth perception is getting worse.

Going downtown, which used to excite me, makes me nervous and often, even with the gps, I make a wrong turn or two, forgetting that street is one way. I’m late, all the time. Count on a good 10 extra minutes, Christina is having a mild panic attack trying to find a place to park. I used to parallel park like a pro. Not anymore, I can in my own car but rarely on the first attempt. If I’m driving Mikes car, I wont even try. I’ll just walk a mile.

It’s been six years since I left my life. The one of comfort and ease, freedom and routine. It seems that with each passing year I loose more and more of my ability to function in what used to be every day situations. I shouldn’t sweat through my shirt wondering if the restaurant is on-street parking.

I’m not sure if there is anything I can “do” about this other than push back. Drive at night anyway, go downtown anyway, etc. I have no plans on not doing these things but I cant lie, I am unhappy here. Not in my bubble as a whole, being home with the boys is all I want for them (for a few more years) but I don’t like that regular, everyday things are becoming events.

Is this aging, GAD, part of being a STAM vs. working full time? I don’t know, but it can hang. I will keep pushing. I won’t be the one who is afraid to drive on the freeway. But I’ll probably be a few minutes late.

Restart

Two Thousand Fart Teen – This is what the boys in my house have dubbed this year.

Oh, 13, 13 was an asshole. I didn’t write much about it because you can only come back to read the same story so many times. I was unstable, a lot. I was setting the same goals over and over and just treading water, never really getting back on top.

It seems like I come around during the summer, then I lose my ground when school starts, then the holidays come and I get homesick and Bam- Im out until about March when the sun starts to come out again. But this summer we went home for two weeks and it was amazing and I fell apart when we came back to Ohio. So my “season” sort of jump started.

What is helping is identifying what my triggers are and my habits when it’s sneaking up on me. I know exactly what I do before the storm now, which is sort of a gift.  This season was vastly better than winter of 2012.

I don’t really know what to do with myself this year. I’ve not really adjusted to having the kids in school and have pretty much shopped my way through the school year so far. I need time alone but find an empty, quiet house to be overwhelming. I have a hard time relaxing and end up panic cleaning or going to sleep.

Last year I was really focused on mental health, this year I need to get my body moving. It needs less diet coke and more water. A major health pit for me is I go-go-go all morning with the kids- then they go to school and I have errands to run and I haven’t had anything to eat,,, I get shaky and nasty and drive thru for a burger.  This happens A Lot- I get to the OMG Im going to DIE if I don’t eat RIGHT NOW.  So, I already have a few bottles of water, Larabars and almonds in the car so I have food handy and I don’t throw my hands up in the drive thru.   Im liking the eight hour diet, where you fast for 16 hours and eat for 8 every day. example I don’t eat until 11 and nothing goes in my belly after 7.  I feel a little more focused with the time restriction and that seems to help with better food choices.

So, yeah- really- this year is exactly like all of the other years. I want to feel well, be well, live well. It would be so much easier if junk food tasted like shit, not chocolate and melty cheese. You know?

Bleeding

I shouldn’t be here, I shouldn’t be here writing right now but I have nothing else to do, no one to talk to. No one that understands anyway.

April 1st I started to taper my Lexapro. I’ve been sick since April 2nd. I don’t even care about the shit I’ve gone through in the first couple weeks, that was just physical stuff, awful but it felt like an illness. But now my head is short circuiting, constantly, nearly every time my eyes move I am zapped from my temples into my jaw and lips and it radiates into my teeth. This makes me so dizzy.  And in the past week I’ve started to loose it, like really fucking loose it. Like, hospital visit loose it.

My dr didn’t tell me it would be like THIS. I expected the brain zaps, but not for them to come 15 times a second, so fast and so disorienting it’s hard to keep my balance. I’ve had a headache for 28 day.  But some time last week I snapped. Something inside my brain just broke in half. I can not control my emotions. I cannot. I find myself fine for a moment and I swear the microwave could beep wrong and off I go. I freak out, yell and want to hit and kick and shake and move this feeling out of my body. I’m so god dammed angry. SO ANGRY! I’m mean, and I hate it but I also don’t give a shit. Nope, not at all, cause fuck you, that’s why. I’m just out of my head. I hate everyone who lives in this house, my kids, my husband and myself- Hate.  Not your getting on my nerves but I want to leave a note that says fuck you- you win. I’m am ANGRY!

And guess what? This shit is NORMAL and EXPECTED and no one told me. No one told me what I was to become. A version 10x’s worse than what I was 4 years ago when I took that first fucking pill. I had NO IDEA what I was doing to my body, my brain by taking this shit. They give it to you like it’s candy, no big deal, it’s just a little happy pill. But here I am. I am here. And I don’t know what to do. Thank god I know that I’m not actually as crazy as I’m acting and feeling, that this is “discontinuing symptoms” FUCK YOU DRUG COMPANIES- this is WITHDRAWL! They wont and cant tell you how long it will last, if you can even get anyone to admit that this is a thing. Oh, except the thousands of people on line who are all as shocked as I am to find that THIS is what was waiting for us on the other side of “well” HAHAHAH! Stupid fucks- you cant quit! They say 1-3 weeks of symptoms, but the world outside of clinical trials that were never done with discontinuing, the rest of them say months, years, who the hell knows! And I quit, I didn’t know- but it wasn’t doing its job well enough anymore. Ask anyone who takes meds how often they change, it happens ALL THE TIME. I needed a change, so I got two pieces of paper, one with instructions for weaning, the other for a new med.

But I wanted to stop, I really, really want to. I don’t want it anymore. I want this to be over so badly I can’t see thru my tears right now. I want this to be over.  And you know what, the only way to make it end is to take more. I don’t want to.  But is not an option?

Mike can’t take it, he can’t. He wont deal with this. He wants me back on it, like, sneak it in my food back on it I am so awful right now. But I don’t want it and he doesn’t understand.  I can’t show him anything written by a Md that says this is real and he cannot wrap his head around what is going on with me. All he knows is this is not who he wants to live with. I don’t want to live with myself either…… but what? Throw away the last month. What if I wake up tomorrow and it’s gone, I’m better?  What if I never am. I don’t know what to do.

I want to leave, I don’t want to be here, me, crazy, I am so miserable I can’t believe I can get out of bed.  I went a full week without taking a shower. Only drinking coffee milkshakes, not even knowing if I was really alive. Am I? Is this life. Really? I just want a normal life. I just want to be normal.

The top and the bottom

I’ve been tired since Ben was born. Bone tired. But I am able to stay up late, it’s my body that’s really complaining. The heavy limbs and achy muscles and joints. Near constant headaches. It finally came to a point three months where I told my nurse practitioner who handles my meds that I’m still physically dragging and I can’t seem to shake it. I mentioned my healthy diet and busy days and gym time (which is seldom right now, I’ll admit) but that despite being aware of my food and exercise, I have gained weight. I was frustrated and after talking for a bit she decided to run a massive blood panel. Everything she could think of was tested. I was afraid something big was wrong. It’s been years of feeling this way and trying and trying and trying to change things on my own.

Last fall I went through a long period of depression. One that I recognized right away so I did what I know to do. I ampped it up, started a Whole 30 and hit the gym. Sometimes, just sometimes I can Tom Cruse my way out of it.  It didn’t work at all. It lasted, I think, about 9 weeks. I gained weight. So in January, I did whole 30 again. I lost 3 lbs.  My meds weren’t working and something else seemed to be going on.

In the past six months I’ve had a few changes in my medication from adding vitamins to increasing my current dosage and finally adding on a new drug. Before I had my blood results back I decided that I wanted to quit the one I have been taking for nearly four years. I look at pictures of then and of my life now and honestly, the only thing I can see that has changed is starting meds and excess weight. What I was taking wasn’t doing its job and with the new one I was feeling better than I have in quite a while.

From the blood work I learned I have a simple problem! Just a vitamin D deficiency. I was relieved it was something and nothing all at once. A good vit d level is between 50-100, mine was 17.2. So pretty low. Low enough to answer most of my questions. The exhaustion and body aches and pains and some research has indicated that the more deficient you are the harder is it is to loose weight.  But the drug I’ve been taking for 4 years is a classic weight gainer.  So one adds and the other wont let you subtract. When I had Nate, I wasn’t medicated, the weight came off easily. It took 5 months to loose 52 lbs. With Ben, I’ve been medicated the entire time and, considence or not (?) I still haven’t lost the weight I gained with him. Which come on, he’s almost 3, at this point its just fat, not baby weight.  And I had a trainer for over a year, did bootcamp, two whole 30’s went exclusively paleo, two stints of weight watchers, I even tried Sensa, for fucks sake. I just can’t get this weight off.

My next appointment we talked more and added a metric ton of vitamin D (I’m taking 20,000 units a week) and we will retest in a few months. She changed my prescription for my new med , doubling it’s dosage and wrote instructions for weaning from the old.

I’m not off the old yet. I have two more weeks before I’m done with it. The first two weeks were not pleasant. But I hope in the long run changing to something new and ditching the old and getting my vitamin d to a healthy level will allow me to feel like myself again. I hope.

I’m not expecting to wake up 30 lbs lighter once it’s out of my system but I do hope that the work that I do to take care of myself will help me get back to a healthy weight and keep my head healthy.  Cause I’ll tell ya, fat jeans are depressing on their own.