11 things

I was tagged by a few people to do this so I figured I dust off the ole blog.

1. What’s your favorite kind of cheese? Brie, I think. I love cheese with fruit so brie is good. I also love dubliner, that’s good on it’s own or with olives and wine.

2. What are you excited about? This is a hard question today- the boys are out of school this week and I don’t do well with transition. But, Summer! We went to the pool this past weekend and I wasn’t obsessed with my thighs due to a shit ton of being hungry and following WW for the past few months, so I think Im excited about feeling like myself again. (even though Im just half way to my goal) Oh! And hopefully a Columbus friend weekend this summer, Im looking forward to that.

3.How did you celebrate your last birthday? I was 36 and I have absolutely no memory of my birthday whatsoever. Im fairly sure we had just returned from vacation a day or two prior, so maybe nothing? im sure there was food and booze though, lets be real.

4.What is on your bedside table? A lamp, phone, candle, a dish for jelwery/bobby pins, a stack of books (Pairs Street Style, Coco Chanel, An Intimate Life. The Gospel According to Coco Chanel (sort of obsessed with her right now) This months InStyle, hand and foot cream.

5.What do you order at the movie theater concession stand? Diet Coke, popcorn no-butter, junior mints.

6.Do you have a garden, what’s growing? Oh, yes, mostly weeds. I do have a few herb pots and some potted flowers on my front porch. I have a lot of work to do.

7.Any summer plans? I wish I could answer this… we have some up-in-the-air stuff right now. San Francisco is one, Chicago is another. Will it be one, both, neither? Hell if I know. I do know we will live at the pool. If you need me I’ll be floating. So never mind, go away.

8.Which TV couples are you rooting for? Lesley and Ben. Mostly because I really like Adam Scott. Amy and Sheldon, I was thinking maybe a real housewife couple but I can’t think of one that I like, at all… (I watch NY, OC and ATL)

9.Whats the last thing you bought? I ran some errands this morning while the boys were at school- swim clothes for all of the boys in the house, some summer clothes for the little’s, Tortillas and flowers for Ben’s teachers. The actual, technical answer is gas and a car wash.

10. What’s one thing Im passionate about? Making my marriage a priority. Obviously, when you have kids you become passionate about all of the kid things that ever did exist, that’s the “easy” part. We make to carve out time for just the two of us. We have a real date once a month and if you’re on instagram, well, we also like to drink. My boys are still small but one day (sooner than I’d like to admit) they will move out and it will be just the two of us again. I don’t want to live with a stranger or just be “room mates”  I still really dig the guy I married, and I want it to stay that way.

11.What am I grateful for this week? Im always grateful for my family and the roof over our heads and all that jazz. but Saturday? We were at Kroger and there was a Honey Baked Ham dude giving out samples and Y’all! Did you know they sell bacon? With ham spice sticky stuff on it? Im thankful for Bacon and that it is 1 point per slice.

 

So that’s the game. 11 questions.

Im having a lot of feelings about it being the last week of school, maybe I’ll be back to write about that soon? Ya never know!

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Pre-Funk

Ehh.

I had a great weekend. Fun family stuff, a little me time at the salon, and even a date night. It was perfect, actually. Now, today, feels totally off.

My list for the week is full of good things. Gift wrapping, Ben’s holiday pageant, planning meals and snacks for the holiday. All fun things I should be excited about. I’m not. I feel blah, and like I want to sleep all day.

This pisses me off. I can do one of two things, lean in or push back. I have to push back! If I don’t it will get worse, every day. I have to write out exactly what to do each day this week and I have to DO IT no matter how I feel. It should be a good week, one full of anticipation and joy, not full of weighty bullshit going on in your head for no reason at all.

I have been really into the season, and I will keep going. I will keep moving until the feeling comes back. And it will, it always does, I just have to Go. And Keep Going.

So! I will watch my favorite holiday movies and I will wrap gifts and paint my nails an wear a dress and bake cookies and just keep going until it all feels whole and happy again. I know I am both of these things, I do, I just have to kick my self in the ass every few hours so I don’t forget.

 

There is no Title

I lie in bed at night and write posts in my head. In the morning, I forget what they were about. I think I should write, I want to, and then, laundry and bills and pinterest.

Blogging has changed so much! It’s all about sponsors  and staging and sometimes I feel like there’s no place for storytelling anymore. But I know that’s not true.  Even if no one reads my story, no one else is going to tell it.  My kids might want to know more about their mom one day, and I don’t want my life to become a mess in a game of telephone. I’d rather it come from me.  Hard as the real story may read.

I’ve been so quiet here this year. It’s been a hard one, but one that I’ve been able to handle. It’s hard to complain when you have health coverage and a roof over your head.  Every year I get a little better at handling my depression and every year I think “this” year I will win. There’s no way to win, there is only the fight. I’ve been doing a lot of fighting. But I am getting better, stronger with each battle.

All of this is to say I’m coming back. When the desire hits (and it does a lot) to sit and share, I will, I’ve been ignoring it.  I’ve been ignoring most of what’s good for me for a long time.

I’m enjoying the season so much! Decorating and shopping and we took the kids sledding for the first time this past weekend. I can’t wait for Christmas, the magic is high this year- both boys are INTO IT.  And I’m planning for the new year,  fitness, health and growing my business.  And praying that 2014 will be the year my kids fall in love with sleeping. (OMG!)

This is a pretty crummy update, but you have to poke your head out if you’re going to begin. So, hey. I miss you!

Progress

When I wake in the morning, as I slowly come to, I wait and feel until something tells me how I am. What is today? Am I well, am I iffy, am I off? You’d think that a person wakes up the same everyday, that you get out of bed fine and as the day progresses you know how you are. Something happens that can shift it, but I don’t get to do that. Life has a hand in how I feel, for sure, but, first, I check in with my head.

I’ve said before that meds are a band-aid for a disease, that after time, and often without warning, the adhesive gives and something has to change. You either rip it off or you try with all you have to make it stay on. My band aid started to give last October, and despite all of my encouragement for it to stick, I ripped that fucker off.

I did what I think a lot of people (probably) do. You decide that you’re done with this. “This” isn’t working for you any longer and that you can handle it on your own. I had a lot of reasons to stop my meds, but the biggest one was I hoped, the tiniest bit of hope, that I could survive on my own. That I could fight. I could win.

Well, we know how that turned out.

It’s been just 2 weeks since I’ve been back on the pharmaceutical wagon and when I check in with myself in the morning, it’s iffy. I’m still moody, a little on edge and a lot fragile. But I’m getting better, again.

Being well is such hard work.

I wish I could just pop a few pills in the morning and be done. It should be that easy, right? Here’s your RX go sing with the birds. I wish. I wish I didn’t have to unravel once a week on my therapists couch. That I didn’t have to take a depression and anxiety assessment every night before bed. I wish that I didn’t have an actual happiness handbook, but I do. I do, and I have to use the book, and do the homework my therapist assigns me and I have to dust myself off and hope I have it in me to keep going.

This is exhausting. To fight with your head and to change your own mind. That’s what cognitive behavioral therapy is. And it works, and I love it, but hot ham it pisses me off and I hate it. I love that I can change my mind, I hate that I have a mind that requires changing. That I have to talk myself down so many times a day, I have to remind myself not to catastrophise. To take life at face value and not with how it’s making me “feel”- It hurts, and I’m raw but I’m fighting.

I’m fighting, and it’s not how I wanted to win, but I still can so I will keep moving.

Of lights and tunnels

I went to the dr on Tuesday. An appointment that was scheduled before I dropped my basket. It was the perfect timing, if it had been a week earlier, I wouldn’t have been ready yet.

I was crying in the waiting room in my sunglasses, cause that’s not a giveaway in a “behavioral medicine” office. (I’m not upset, I’m just cool. (crazy cool))  I was asked how I was doing in the hall before we even rounded the corner to her office. I didn’t answer. Did I have too? I was wearing my sunglasses, she knew.

I told her I didn’t know where to start, and I didn’t. What was even important at that point? The full body tension, aches, pains, stomach issues? I abbreviated the physical and went for the mental.

I never had to say I didn’t want back on the Lexapro, she knew. She never suggested it. She listened and offered up ideas. I didn’t really care, as long as it wasn’t the same poison as before.  I let her tell me what to do, and why. I had no fight left.

She shared some information about her personal life, things that made me trust her. She is a daughter of a schizophrenic, had trouble with depression as a young adult trying to care for her ill mother and ultimately, it all drove her into this profession. She apologized for how bad it was going for me, and also divulged that she went though this herself, in the early 90’s and no one knew what it was. She was misdiagnosed with MS, and when it disappeared one day, she began to question everything.

It helped me, a lot. To know that she go it.

I went home with a rx for Prozac, to take along side my welbutrin.

2 days later? I’m still pretty moody, but I didn’t loose my temper once today, and the dizziness, nausea and brain zaps are completely gone.

Did I do the right thing? Yes, I spoke up when the regiment wasn’t working and asked for a change. It was awful to go thru it but had I not, and just slugged along, I’d just be suffering needlessly. In the process I found out about a vitamin deficiency, and well, learned the hard way (what I already knew but get to damn stubborn to admit) that I am a person who needs to be medicated. It’s that “simple” I need help. But it’s help that is available! There’s no cure for a screwy brain but there is help. 

I need help. I get help. I am the face of a mental illness and you know what, I’m learning to live with that. This is a part of who I am, and if I can’t own it, the drugs can’t save me. Only I can do that.

Tis the Season

I’ve loved the weekend of Thanksgiving as long as I can remember. As a kid, we would go to my Grandmas tiny house filled with food and love and (bickering) and it was so hot we always dressed in layers. The day after, we’d meet back at Grandmas and head to the mountains to cut down our tree. Oh, Washington, I miss your face. Saturday would be filled with turkey sandwiches and pie while dad sang the Statler Brothers Christmas album stringing lights on the tree.

I still love the weekend, of course. Its lack of family in a home that is full of love and big enough to hold all of the people crammed into Grandmas little house, we make do, the four of us. I cook, no short cuts, everything is homemade. I love a day in the kitchen. I always have to call mom at least once to remind me if I put dill in the deviled eggs or if I should tent the turkey. That helps a little. To be cooking “with” her. I see her rolling out dough for pies…..

We’ve been gone 12 years. Every year I get sad. I can’t help it. Everything has changed since we left. But in my heart, the pictures in my head, the memories are all beautiful. I miss being in that tiny, hot house. I always will.

Now I get to make these memories for my family, here. I have a hard raising them here, alone. No kids table, no running around with cousins, no memories of the time there were so many presents in the living room we had to put the coffee table in the entry. But I will do my best to pass on the magic. As long as it’s in my heart, I will work to fill their lives with it.

 

Comic Releif

We’ve lived in this home for 6 years. Every door locks the same way. Vertical is locked, horizontal, unlocked. Exterior doors and interior alike. 6 years.

 

**********

It was a sucky weekend in terms of sleep and alone time. Nate was running a fever on Friday so he went down easy but was up many times. If he had an Indian name it would be coitus interruptus. We were tired on Saturday but Nate was feeling better so that was good. Weekend re-start! After all, Saturday night was date night. We were going to see Argo (incredible!) and out to dinner. I planned my outfit, I was ready to get out!

It was a good night, but our meal wasn’t that great, and it was expensive which always pisses me off. If I’m going to spend what I would for a weeks worth of grocery’s on one meal, it had better rock my socks. So I was a little disappointed. We got home around 10:30 and Nate was up, the sitter said he would fall asleep but couldn’t stay down.

The night was a wash after that. I must have come and gone from his room 10 times before I fell asleep hard enough for him to climb in bed with me.  I woke around 5 and Mike was asleep in his clothes, candles lit, drinks poured. Another night gone.

Sunday was crabby, for all of us. None of us got more than a few hours of sleep, Ben included, though he typically sleeps through, he hadn’t. I was weepy all day long. Feeling defeated, not knowing what to do about this boy and his inability to sleep alone. I kept complaining, wondering how we got here. These kids came home from the hospital and went to their rooms, we didn’t co-sleep. We still “don’t”- but Nate has gotten good at the slither and I don’t always know he’s in my bed.

I couldn’t even bring myself to get dressed. I just sulked around and did some chores, exhausted and sad. Mike offered to do the grocery shopping so I made him a list and off he went. While he was gone Nate declared I was the worst mother ever for denying him computer time, I cried. Then I got busy.

Mike’s a slow shopper but I am a fast cleaner when I’m upset. I cleaned out the fridge and pantry, ran a load of dishes, some clothes, vacuumed the house, made beds and cleaned a bathroom before he got home. When he did I was laying face down, in my pj’s, on the bed. The kids were full of Hoorays when he arrived (jerks) and I just layed there. Taking a few deep breaths before I had to join the circus again.

They were all unloading the groceries from the car, in and out, in and out. And Ben, and his godforsaken door slamming had closed the door to the garage. I felt it slam, then I heard Mike, “oh, shit, Ben… Now I can’t get it open…..oh, no,  (feeling the house wiggle, over and over as he pulls trying to open the door) Mike calls to me. I come down.

All three of them are standing in front of the door, I look down at the knob, unlock it, open the door and fall to the floor snort laughing with tears running down both cheeks. THAT was exactly what I needed after a weekend like this.

****

Sunday night was perfection! Both boys went down fast and slept ALL NIGHT LONG. I actually had to wake Nate at 8:30 for school. I feel human again and it will be a long time before I forget the time Mike couldn’t open the locked door. A very long time.

3 things

Friday Mike and I celebrated our 10th! It was great, we went out for an amazing meal and did some window shopping. It was lovely. I’ve gone on for years here, as many as I’ve been writing about how much I love this man. You know, but hot ham, I am so lucky to have someone in my life who I’m still crazy about and that respects me, and is an incredible father. And well, I just adore him.

Sunday July 1, I started eating Paleo. I couldn’t really believe I was going to do it, I had no real faith in myself. All I knew is I have been trying HARD for YEARS to drop this weight. Twice weekly personal training sessions with 2-3 additional workouts per week. A few stints on weight watchers, pills, potions, giving up this and that and writing down what I eat and you name it. I’ve plateaued. My body had just adjusted and so I increased my cardio, had more conversations about nutrition with my trainer and still, no change. I felt like the only thing left was Paleo. So, I stared. The first two days were the hardest, no diet coke or sugar had my body a bit pissed off. But today is day 8 and I feel great. It’s really not been very hard. I still have that desire for desert after dinner and I miss the flavor of somethings but after I eat, I feel satisfied, never uncomfortable. After just a week I don’t feel like food owns me. I just have something when I’m hungry and I know I’m eating the right things.  I lost exactly 3 lbs the first week, meaning, I’m not really anywhere yet but it’s a promising start.

If you don’t know what Paleo is, it’s hardcore and I say that because it’s a fact, and not because I think I’m hardcore, because I am so not.  You can’t eat much, really, Its sugar free, glutten free, dairy free, soy free, grain free, well, it’s easier to say what you can eat. Meat, veggies, fruit , healthy fats like coconut oil and avocados and some nuts. (no legumes ) Not a lot but it makes it so easy to KNOW what is okay, I’m not eating something and wondering if this is “good” or not. Like you do with a granola bar with a chocolate bottom and pretzels inside, you know?

I plan on keeping this up until I leave for my trip, I hope to keep up the 3 a week which would put me at 9 lbs for 3 weeks. And most likely turning it into a lifestyle because it just feels right to eat this way. I haven’t had a belly ache or heart burn or anything since I started. I never feel bloated, and I stared my period during this first week.  I feel healthy and if eating this way is also melting off the pounds then I’ll take it.

On Saturday night, at some point, I took of my rings. I don’t remember where, or when. I do this all the time, drop them all over, but I have a landing place for them in each room- a safe spot. A dish in the kitchen window, the tray on the ottoman, little places all over because I do it daily. But this time I can’t find them. Mike and I looked for a good hour last night and nothing. It doesn’t help that I don’t know which floor I was even on when I took them off… I’m so sick over this, I can’t even tell you. I have no idea where they are. I’m really afraid that Ben got ahold of them, we both stayed in bed for a while on Sunday after the kids were up, there’s no telling what a two year old would do or where he’d go with them. My finger is bare and my heart is heavy. I’ve got to find them.

 

Feet dragging

A theme has come over my life in the past two or so years. “I’m too tired to go on.” I say it all day, every time I have a chance to sit down and 1000 times per phone call with my sister and every damn time I have to unload the dishwasher. And honestly, every time I say it I mean it. I’m tired.

I’m so physically tired that my body is heavy and my feet are wearing concrete shoes, my knees creak with each step. I have sore muscles in my back from poor posture because being this tired makes me slouchy. I have a ton of headaches, I just assume they are related. I workout hard, harder than I’ve ever worked out in my life which is the only thing that really gets me through my day but without fail, three hours after that workout I could fall asleep behind the wheel of my car. But without the workout, I’d never make it.

I’m mentally out of it. My mind doesn’t so much wander it just tunes out. I have a hard time concentrating. Cooking takes forever, my to-do lists are often half of a list because I just start to space and I’ve had the same book on my night-table for two months. This works well for gym time, I just move without thought until I can’t move any longer.

The problem is so simple, get more sleep. The solution seems obvious. The kids wake randomly at night and get up early, anywhere from 4:30 am on. I pull them in my bed, grab two eggos, two sippys, turn on the tv and sleep for a few minutes at a time until the sun is up. I go to sleep around 11:30, the same time I’ve gone to bed for years. Sometimes a little earlier but that’s just bedtime, it’s when my body finally stops me in my tracks. I just don’t get enough sleep.

I love sleep. I miss it. I miss it so much. And as out of balance life seems without it, I’d stay up forever for these kids.

 

Damn Den

I took over twitter today beggging for help with this stupid room. It has perfect bones for a home office. Two huge windows and plenty of space for the crap I have in it and yet, I hate it. Now I love a room with a mix of furnishings but in this case, it’s part of what is wrong with it. But, we are traveling a ton this year (yay) so a budget for new pieces is out. I could paint or get a new rug (lets pretend that I didnt buy the one in the photos today) (I did)

I love the chair in the corner, I need to sew its cover (the fabric is just draped over it right now) it needs to be stained or painted. Which and what color?

I love the bookcase, I stained that mo’fo in the dead of winter until my fingers fell off on a 3×3 front porch of the first place Mike and I ever lived. It stays but I’m not aginst a makeover.

The desk was a “hey, we need a desk, this one is pertty fug but it’s damn near free, lets get it” and I never liked it but it serves well.

The rug was grabbed today becuase the chair is stripping the finish off the floor under the desk, it’s a little too small and I just grabbed the least offesive pattern. It is temporary.

Everything on the walls stay. This is Mike’s office, I do use it durning the day a lot but it’s his. So, the diplomas and baseball stuff stay. This doesnt mean I couldnt add to it…

So- here are the pictures. Take a peak and HIT ME! I am stupmed!