I’m…

I’m a lover of all things. I love people and places and stuff and plants and the sky and everything you can see and touch and enjoy. I love fabrics and texture and accessories and getting dressed up and wearing yoga pants.  I love a good haircut and pulling my bangs back off of my face. I love my kids, oh, how I love my kids and my husband, who deserves his own post. I am a lover. I wear my heart on my sleeve. and across my gigantic grin. I’m genuine, when I tell you I LOVE IT, I couldn’t mean it more. When I tell you I love you, believe me.

I want to be better at everything I do. See, I love it all. I love to cook for my family, even though it’s the hardest part of every day. I love that every week I make all new recipes, only repeating the incredible now and then. I love the look on my husbands face when he takes that first bite . I love the sound the knife makes when it hits the cutting board. The buzz of the kitchen when it is alive with music and the fan running and the smells.  Still, I wish I were better at planning and getting dinner on the table at the same time.  I love to feed people, when my house is full of friends or family and the kitchen is buzzing, that is when I am most at home.  When the flowers are fresh and the candles are lit. I love a house full of love.

I love to decorate. I love to make a home out of 4 walls. I love the opportunity to make nothing represent my family. I wish I could create more storage, and have less kid clutter and that there wasnt a giant rip in Nate’s quilt right now but this is my life and life sometimes has holes. I love to fill a space with life and love and color and plants. I even love the holes.

I love to create. Wether it’s baking or sewing or crafting or designing a room. This is when I am most at peace. When I have a new idea or a current project, I can focus on nothing else. I get project add and my mind spins and the house gets messy and I forget to eat. I feel so alive when I can make new things. I wish I could do it everyday. I sometimes daydream of when the boys are both in school all day and I can sew for hours or make candles or try to make crapes. But then I rewind because,hell no. Slow down.

I’m not very good at being a mom when my mind is too focused. The worst days are when I’m in trapped in creativity. When the kids need me I get annoyed, I’m busy. I’m being Christina right now. I don’t like the way that feels, but it is true.

I struggle with balancing my love. When you’re my friend, I will lift my car for you. I love you, have I mentioned? Anything you need, I’m here. And I won’t let you forget. I don’t have a lot of friends and that’s my choice. I can’t be this to more than a few people. I don’t know how to be half of this. It’s all or nothing. I have to keep my circle tight. But then sometimes, well, often, life is real and I miss an email or can’t get together for a while and sometimes I just drop the ball and that’s hard on me and on “you”- I’m there! There! There! and then,, not. I get busy with sick kids or down, and then I hate that. And I feel badly and guilty and then I start to eat too much and do what my therapists calls “catastrophize” and suddenly I suck at everything and I never sent those thank you notes for Christmas gifts, surely everyone will hate me and think I’m a horrible mother and I’ve not seen my friends and I promised I’d bring Darci a meal but then the whole house got the flu and I can’t contaminate her new-born but I said I would and……..

The thing is, I’m just really sensitive. I feel everything. I cry when I see car accidents, I fight myself from offering strangers a ride when it’s raining. I want to give everything to everyone and make everyone in my life happy. I really do. because what is better than happy? Why wouldn’t I want that for the people I love? But, I cannot be everything to everyone. And I know that, but I’ve found that if I keep my body moving and my head clear, I can be everything to myself and that is what matters most.

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7 thoughts on “I’m…

  1. to finish your title to this post:

    “.. amazing.”

    “.. human.”

    “.. like you, reading this.”

    I adore you more than houndstooth, lady. It amazes me daily that we’ve watched our boys grow up together from across the country. And I’m so, so glad you include us on the journey.

  2. Awesome post little mommy! I “love” to read posts like this. I want to hug you right now! Moms tend to try to be everything for everyone. Your heart changes ESPECIALLY after you have children. I was crying the waiting room of my therapist’s office the other day feeling guilty for having the feelings that I have???? Thanks for the post. oxoxox

  3. You are… fantastic.

    I am sensitive too, and I have had to block people on Facebook before because it’s all I can do to stop from giving too much… too much time, too much money, too much headspace, whatever.

    I love this post.

  4. You’re so awesome and I love that when what’s in your head comes out on paper (or in this case, the computer screen), it totally makes sense to me.

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