It’s been a hard few days. I couldn’t wait to get back into the routine after Christmas and now here we are and I’m bored and so tired and a little manic. I want to do a ton of stuff but I’m so tired that my mind races but my body is still. I just don’t get any sleep. Last night both of the boys were up a ton. I spent less than an hour in my own bed before I was up answering to one of them. Ben’s going thru the 18 month sleep regression, this will end. He’s been a great sleeper for nearly 5 months now. Hopefully this will end soon. Nate on the other hand, never sleeps all night. Every time he stirs he comes and wakes me, and I can’t just tuck him in, I have to lie down with him until he’s out. Then he does it again, usually 1-3 times a night and then around 5 he crawls in bed with me. Ben’s up at 6. I’m so sick of bitching about being tired, you have no idea. I’m not a complainer but this has made me so moody, night after night after month after year.
I spent some money and I’m really pissed off at myself for it. It started with a pillow last week but I took that back the next day. I thought about buying it so hard in the store and decided to get it, then when I got home I was fine with it, I was going to keep it. But I couldn’t, I felt guilty and it went back. Yesterday, after working out, Nate asked in his sweet little voice,” Mommy, can we go to Old McDonald’s?” I can’t take it when hc calls it that, we went. $13. Food, so sort of okay, I guess. But impulse and a no-no for what I’m trying to achieve. Plus, its shit, and my kids shouldnt be eating it. Today, after I dropped Nate at school I needed to go to Target for some meds and Ben had been up since 4, and I knew if I went home he’d fall asleep and ruin his nap…so I went to Michael’s, and spent $8. Just some stuff to finish a project and it’s just $8 but damn. I broke. Is it the sleep? Is it lack of give a crap because of the sleep? I think a little of both, really.
It’s supposed to snow tomorrow afternoon and on Friday and for some reason that seems like a big ole pj-day permission slip. I’m looking forward to that. I think I need to crock-pot something too so I can really just do nothing for a bit.