Heavy Sigh

It’s been a hard few days. I couldn’t wait to get back into the routine after Christmas and now here we are and I’m bored and so tired and a little manic. I want to do a ton of stuff but I’m so tired that my mind races but my body is still. I just don’t get any sleep. Last night both of the boys were up a ton. I spent less than an hour in my own bed before I was up answering to one of them. Ben’s going thru the 18 month sleep regression, this will end. He’s been a great sleeper for nearly 5 months now. Hopefully this will end soon. Nate on the other hand, never sleeps all night. Every time he stirs he comes and wakes me, and I can’t just tuck him in, I have to lie down with him until he’s out. Then he does it again, usually 1-3 times a night and then around 5 he crawls in bed with me. Ben’s up at 6. I’m so sick of bitching about being tired, you have no idea. I’m not a complainer but this has made me so moody, night after night after month after year.

I spent some money and I’m really pissed off at myself for it. It started with a pillow last week but I took that back the next day. I thought about buying it so hard in the store and decided to get it, then when I got home I was fine with it, I was going to keep it. But I couldn’t, I felt guilty and it went back. Yesterday, after working out, Nate asked in his sweet little voice,” Mommy, can we go to Old McDonald’s?” I can’t take it when hc calls it that, we went.  $13. Food, so sort of okay, I guess. But impulse and a no-no for what I’m trying to achieve. Plus, its shit, and my kids shouldnt be eating it. Today, after I dropped Nate at school I needed to go to Target for some meds and Ben had been up since 4, and I knew if I went home he’d fall asleep and ruin his nap…so I went to Michael’s, and spent $8. Just some stuff to finish a project and it’s just $8 but damn. I broke. Is it the sleep? Is it lack of give a crap because of the sleep? I think a little of both, really.

It’s supposed to snow tomorrow afternoon and on Friday and for some reason that seems like a big ole pj-day permission slip. I’m looking forward to that. I think I need to crock-pot something too so I can really just do nothing for a bit.


10 thoughts on “Heavy Sigh

  1. You cannot kill yourself over an 8$ purchase! It’s just not worth the effort. Especially when you are so sleep deprived. Nate is doing exactly what Evan did to me. He’d wake up, come tell me, then I’d have to cuddle with him etc. Then the doctor (pediatrician) said to me “stop cuddling him – just put him back in bed, no talking or anything” and so I did. Evan stopped waking up after that. This is one of those things moms do because they feel it’s necessary when raising a child. The only thing is, we aren’t raising children – we are raising adults. It took me a long time to figure that one out!

    I’m giving you permission to be lazy for a couple days. No one is gonna die if you don’t vacuum (god i can never spell that word) the carpet or do the dishes. Your mental health and overall general well-being is way way way more important than chores.

    As for the crockpot, I love this website – she’s honest about her results and I’ve come to really trust her recipes… http://crockpot365.blogspot.com/

    Stop putting so much pressure on yourself. I don’t like it. Not one bit.

  2. Well, you took the pillow back! That was good!

    it is so hard to entertain kids without spending money. Impossible basically. But I think McDonald’s every once in a while is a good thing. I never got it as a kid, like once or twice in my life, and I always said I’d rather have the opposite – kids who were sick of it, instead of deprived and then desperate to get it like I was.

    I want a snow day. Send one my way? Wish I could come over and talk about this $8 project and commiserate.

    I am right in the middle of making my birch lamp, btw. I hope it’s going to be cool!

  3. I know it’s hard to feel like you ‘broke’ on your spending ban, when you managed to avoid all spending in December, but I think, if you’re too hard on yourself over something like this, you might be setting yourself up for a big break down the road. A small McDonald’s treat with the boys isn’t terrible, when the majority of the time they aren’t eating crap and you aren’t impulse drive-throughing. And $8 on craft supplies to finish a project isn’t the same as spending a ton of money on something all new and completely unnecessary. You are doing an amazing job on this task you’ve started, and to expect complete and total perfection all of the time is maybe short-changing yourself for the progress that you have made. You took the pillow back! That’s huge. I have absolutely no problem justifying a purchase once I get it out of the store, so I’m impressed that you went back.

    I guess I just feel like you can’t beat yourself up over decisions that were already made. I knwo it’s easier said than done, but you can only focus on the next decision that crosses your path. And now I feel like I’m spouting off worthless cliches that aren’t at all helpful.

    Basically, I think you are doing an excellent job, I think you should give yourself a tiny break over these ‘slips’, and then I think you should recommit yourself to what you want to do.

    (Because that’s what matters, right? What I think? Of course it is…)

  4. You can’t be perfect all the time and you’ve been doing SO GREAT!

    Just get back on track and keep doing what you’ve been doing. And remember that McDonald’s is a nice treat every once in awhile.

  5. You totally need not to be so hard on yourself! You have been doing fantastic and $8 on craft supplies when you are crawling the walls? IS MONEY WELL SPENT. It’s not frivolous, it’s not something that should be regretted!

  6. HOLY SHIT TONY CALLS IT OLD MCDONALDS TOO WHEN HE WANTS SOME. Christina, honey, our boys are clearly in cahoots.

    I’m with you (as we moaned about earlier) with the waking up 2 or 3x a night thing. It’s KILLING me. And why don’t they ever want Daddy? Why not?!

  7. Sounds like you need a break…let me know if I should plan a road trip. Weekend full of PJ’s and Movies.

    (I commented on this last night but to no avail, it aint here yo)

  8. I’m proud of you. I have been entertaining the idea of a spending freeze, particularly after this week’s $180 Target trip. (Much of that was a baby shower gift for a group that I organized, but still. STILL.) Don’t beat yourself up over the journey, you’re doing great.

    Madeline calls it Old McDonald’s too. I always beat myself up over taking her there, particularly since they started putting fries in EVERY meal. She used to only get apples and now… sigh. Damn McDonald’s marketing!

  9. Don’t be so hard on yourself!!!! You are doing awesome with the not spending money thing, an $8 trip for a project isn’t the same as blowing $50 on makeup or something.

    I think we may be going through the 18 month sleep regression a little early (16 months) because MY GOOD SLEEPER IS GONE! GONE! Multiple wakeups and two very very tired parents. Sigh. Unbelievable how it makes us Cranky Versions Of Ourselves, you know? Hang in there!

  10. I have a similar sleeping situation and it makes everything so, so much harder than it normally would be. I’m trying to cut myself some slack, you definitely should too.

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