It’s hard to come back after that. I’ve been wondering what to say and how to move on. Do I address it right away or just jump back in and talk about life as if nothing happened.
I don’t know but so much time has passed it’s time to write again.
I’ve been in therapy for a while now and had a few changes to my daily meds in both type and dosages. I’ve got a fantastic team, one that I trust and who I believe care about me. Going to the doctor all the time is getting old though. I will tell you that much.
Life is good. I am feeling worlds better.
Ben turned 1 on the 12th. Some how, some way, a year has already passed since his shocking arrival. I cannot wrap my head around it but it is true. He is turning into such an easy going and cool kid. Happy to scoot around on the floor and play with his brother or on his own. All smiles, all the time. He’s tough, too. Nate can be a little hard on him, shoving him out-of-the-way or snatching a toy from him. He will bump his head or fall down, he almost never cries. This is so welcome considering barnacle Ben cried for the first 7 months of his life if he wasnt being held. He is just pure sunshine. I cannot believe how fast this year flew by. It’s sad, in a way, I’m running out of babies.
We have a very busy summer lined up. One trip is already behind us and we have many more. Next week the kids and I are going to Connecticut, I’m going to NYC to meet Mike while he’s there for work. We are going home (Seattle) for two weeks and then we have a long weekend at the beach. And finally, we have company coming for memorial Day weekend. It will be over so fast but I am going to suck up every second of family time I can.
One thing that I’m learning in therapy is to stop waiting for life to be perfect to start living and enjoy it. I’ve eased up a lot in order to try to make this happen. It’s hard but it’s getting better. I have a worksheet I fill out every day to access my depression and anxiety and it really helps. I look at what held up my progress, it keeps me thinking. This is good but it’s work. Looking back and deciding if I made the right choices that day, what could I have done better and being proud of myself when things go well, rather than looking for what wasnt perfect. It’s helping me to stop in the moment and make better choices. It’s all very simple but when you’re as far gone as I was you have to learn how to live again. The easy thing is to stay in bed and do nothing. But it doesn’t help you grow or heal. I’m done with being stagnant. Done.
I’m still nursing the boy. I was told by every doctor, nurse and therapist to stop, immediately. Every single person told me to quit. Nursing and depression are linked, did you know? I wouldn’t do it. I’m getting better anyway. So THERE! I don’t know how much longer I will go on. Some feedings Ben is as content as a tiny baby, others he’s rolling around and wants down. I’m not quite done yet but I can tell he isn’t either. I’m not going to over think it the way I did with Nate. I’ve cut back to 3 times per day with an occasional night feeding here and there. It’s a little emotional, honestly. My last baby. I love nursing, once you get the hang of it you’re basically just snuggling with your baby. I’m going to be very sad to let it go. But when Ben’s ready I will stop. I know from experience with Nate, there will be more than enough snuggled on the other side.
Right now- I’m living. I’m loving my life again. My kids, my husband. And myself. It’s been a hellish journery but I’m getting there.