My Truth let me show it to you

It’s dark here. All the time, sort of like being in the basement on a beautiful summer day. You know the sun is shining and that beyond these walls there is life but knowing doesn’t matter. Knowing isnt participating or living, it’s practically nothing. I’m never by myself but I am always alone. They ask how I am, am I getting any sleep yet. The answer is always the same, nope, still up every two hours. “You must be so tired.”  “I am but it won’t last forever.”

No one really wants to know how I am and the ones that should want to know can’t seem to handle the truth. I’ve fainted and have been collapsing randomly and that is the tip of the ailment iceberg.

I am not a good mom right now. I yell all the time, I’m too hard on Nate and I cry in front of him all the time and it really bothers him but what the hell am I supposed to do? I can’t help it. I can’t help anything, really. I know this is a two-part problem but the first is a level of exhaustion that I didn’t know you could survive. I get out of bed every two hours, change a diaper and nurse a kid, not an infant, a 18 lb 10 month old that EATS. Do you know how long 10 months really is?

June

July

August

September

October

November

December

January

February

March

April

10 months.

The second is I appear to be under medicated. Or something. It’s a lot like before but then worse in that Nate is old enough to see it and that has to stop. And yet, I cannot stop a runaway train. I am ashamed of myself in my moments of clarity. I’m always envisioning ways to hurt myself, just enough. It’s to the point where I feel like I almost have to so someone will hear me. I’m not just tried, I’m sick. I”M SICK!  I look over the railing and wonder how many bones I’d break if I just flipped over it to the floor below. I look in the toolbox for something I need and see possibilities. I take an aspirin, dump the whole bottle into my hand, contemplate, put all but 2 back and sigh heavily. I guess I’ll just keep going. I don’t think anyone gets it, this isn’t going to be fixed with a nap. The thing is a nap isn’t even a possibility and god damn that’s the least of my problems. I’m fucking up my kid by letting him see me like this. I’ve been doubling up my pills but it’s not enough, I need a new doctor but I don’t have the time to find one, I don’t have childcare, I don’t have any help. So I take two pills and hold my breath and promise Nate I will try harder tomorrow.

I just don’t know what to do. Nate is HARD right now, even on days that I feel okay he is such a handful. Ben is doing better on his reflux meds but still not sleeping but at least he’s not whining every hour he’s awake. I do think that if I were sleeping I could cope with it all better, I’d be more patient, I’d be more understanding. I wouldn’t have to remind myself that kids are people, too.

I told Mike tonight that I was going off the deep end and he just told me “we need you” I need to be needed LESS. I’m to needed, I’m tapped out, empty. I have nothing left to give. And yet I love so them all so deeply that hurts, too. I break when I yell at Nate, I don’t want to be this way. I hate myself when I squeeze his arm so hard when I push him in his room for a time-out. I don’t blame Mike for glazing over when I talk about being spent, over it, done. He looks at me and asks what I want to do. There’s no answer to that.

I want a break. I want to get away all by myself where I can sleep and recover from this. I don’t want anyone to touch me! I need to get away from the mundane day-to-day shit that is crushing my soul. But I can’t, I can’t leave I can’t do anything. I have to feed the baby, I need to move the laundry, I have a grocery list to make, a gift to ship,bills to pay,and, and, and. It never ends and it all makes driving into a telephone poll so very appealing except that would solve nothing because I’d have to handle the insurance claim.

I need a break. I need it so badly.

(please don’t call me and ask if I’m okay- I will work this out. I did it once before, I can and will do it again.)

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18 thoughts on “My Truth let me show it to you

  1. Honey. I do really want to know if you are okay. I worry for you…I understand the darkness of never getting one uninterrupted night and I don’t have little lives needing me on top of that… Can breast milk be pumped and the baby bottle fed? So someone else can take a shift? Not to get assvicey on you or anything…

  2. I am so, so sorry, Christina. I wish it could get immediately better FAST. It doesn’t help for me to tell you I know how you feel, but I have been there too. I’m so sorry you’re going through this.

  3. Ten months is a LONG FUCKING TIME.

    I don’t have any right answers, but I do know that it is so hard to just stop and walk away from the seemingly infinite list of Things That Must Be Done and Small People That Must Be Paid Attention To and give yourself the time that you need (to sleep or make an appt or just BE). There has to be someone or some way that can give you the time that you need, even if it’s in small pockets. Everyone needs a break.

    Thinking about you, C.

  4. I don’t have any words of wisdom other than to let you know you are not alone, which hopefully helps. My son is 10 1/2 months and is still waking at least 3 times a night. I’m tired, cranky, depressed, short with my other two children…which starts a vicious cycle of making me more cranky and depressed. I feel quite inadequate as a mother and it sounds like you feel the same. So, when you are contemplating broken bones and pills in excess (I’ve been there too! Although, I imagine driving my car really fast into a wall or something.) know that hopefully we are the exact picture of what an over tired, post-partum (albeit 10 months) mother looks like. Hang in there, it will get better. At least that’s what I try and tell myself.

  5. Oh Christina, I am worried about you. I KNOW it doesn’t feel like this but it will all seem so much more manageable and ok if you can get a few decent nights sleeps and figure out the right medication. Is there anything I can do to help? Urgh, this sucks. I feel so helpless and I wish I could do more. I think the first thing to do is call the doctor, a new doctor, someone, and get started on that. Then figure out how to get that boy to sleep. Do whatever you need to do and get six hours of sleep in a row and it’s all gonna seem so much brighter, I promise promise promise. Please let me know what if anything I can do. I will sit on the phone with you if that helps, suggest random and probably useless ways of getting this kid to sleep, anything. I am worried. But please get some help. Please.

  6. I can send you a plane ticket…just say the word. You know I will. We can spend the weekend at the lake doing NOTHING. Say the word…

  7. I’ve commented before but I have to again. I’m here, I’m a local Columbus girl. I can help. Whatever you need… or don’t need, I can help. Anything. I know you don’t know me and that’s strange but I hear your pain. I hear your desperation. I have had friends with severe post partum and boyfriends with severe depression. I hear you. You aren’t alone. I can do whatever you need: baby sit, run errands for you, help around the house. Anything.
    Jennifer Deuber
    614-204-2254
    deuberj@yahoo.com

  8. Christina, I’m here. I want to know. We walked this before, remember? (That probably doesn’t help, does it?) You WILL come out the other side. The ONLY thing you need to do today – ONLY – is call your doctor. Everything else can go to hell, right? That’s the first thing.

    I am not far and I wish I could help. Call, email, whatever – I’m here to listen. Sending much love, my friend. Much, much love.

  9. I wonder if it would help to let your husband read what you’ve written here, about how you’re feeling and what you’re thinking. Someone needs to help you take a step in the right direction. My experience with depression has taught me that sometimes, my decision-making powers need to be taken away from me because shame and fear and exhaustion will almost always cause me to make bad decisions (i.e. not going to the doctor as quickly as I should). And on a practical note, sometimes taking more of the same medication doesn’t make any difference (as you’ve found out) – but adding something to what you’re already taking can make a huge difference. I’m trying not to ramble but I’m very concerned about you. If I was anywhere near you we’d already be in the car on the way to the doctor. Please take care of yourself. Sending love and prayers to you, Christina.

  10. Christina! You HAVE to tell a Dr about this…whether it be the same one or a new one. I went through the same thing a little over a month ago. I had to go the ER for a Psyc evaluation at Duke. I KNOW your thoughts and feelings. I didnt want to get out of bed in the morning. I was crying uncontrollably….know that it was effecting the children. Landyn was even acting out in school. Which made me feel even worse. I quit eating. ( you know Im sick ) I didnt want to sleep anymore because the panic attack would be worse when I woke up. The Dr told Lee and I wasnt to be left alone. It was a debilitating! I had to learn to talk to Lee differently than I ever had before. I finally got an appointment with the Group that was recommended to me ONLY because they had a cancellation. I spilled my guts to the 5th Dr and finally I got some relief. I want to call you, but you told us not to. I really want know how you are in the coming days. You are NOT the only one that has felt this way. As my Dr told me…Youre just “broke” and you need to be fixed. I love you and everyone around you needs to take your feelings VERY SERIOUSLY. I just wanted you to know a few details of what I had been through recently so you would understand my desperation. I will do anything that I can to help you. Get to a DR IMMEDIATELY to get the ball rolling. …and NO DR Pennell isnt qualified he’s not a “real Dr”!! haha Did that make you laugh? LOVE YOU

  11. This is Lee. Please, Please, Please get to someone who will help you. If I need to talk to Mike, please tell him to call me. This is serious and I watched my wife crumble in front of me in a matter of days. It is not something to wait around on. I want you to get the help that you need. If that means you and the kids come down here or if you want to by yourself, you do what you need to get you better, because you are no good to them with what is going on now. You tell Mike that he needs to take time off to help you get relief immediately. I had to do it and it will benefit all of you in the long run. Let me know if I can help. Love you. Lee.

  12. how did i lose track of you so thoroughly that i had no idea this was happening? i knew you weren’t sleeping but had no clue of the depths of your sadness and despair. it won’t help or fix it but i have felt what you feel. obviously i had different reasons but the feeling is overwhelming no matter where it originates. i know there is nothing anyone can say and telling you it’ll get better would solicit an eyeroll at best…. god how i wish i could come save you from this… fix it all…. make you smile, even just a little… just know that we all love you, everyone who has ever had the privilege to know you. you are amazing and you are stronger than this, even though you don’t feel strong at all right now… i love you sooooo very much. take your time and be gentle with yourself

  13. I want to come over and bring two bottles of champagne and just sit around and drink and do nothing with you. I’m sure that wouldn’t help anything, but it’s all I got.

    Thinking about you these days, lady.

  14. Christina, I live only 2 hours away. Honest to god, just let me know and I’ll be down there to give you a break. I know that’s just the tip of the iceberg, but girl, you need to have at least a few hours a week of not being needed/touched.

    Seriously, Mike cannot glaze over when you talk about this. You are sick, you need help. And you need ongoing assistance with the kids so you get some time to yourself. He needs to read this, your doctor needs to read this. Please, please, please allow yourself the time to get help.

  15. I am going to tell you something that I wish someone had told me: it does get better. Seriously. You will feel better again. You need to take this seriously. Tell your doctor that you are having thoughts of hurting yourself. You desperately need a baby sitter to give you a break a few hours a day. You need it to be someone where you can drop them at her house, so you can go home and sleep. Nate will have fun with other kids, and Ben will be fine. Seriously. Who is not fine is YOU and you are every bit as important as the kids or Mike. Give up cable tv or cell phones or new furniture or whatever…you NEED this. Whatever it costs, it is that important. You will feel soooooo much better. I wish so badly I could give you a big hug. Please…just find a nice daycare lady.

  16. If I lived closer, I’d be bringing over some wine. As it is, I’m sending long distance thoughts and love.

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