I don’t remember being this tired when Nate was a baby though I’m pretty sure I was. He didn’t sleep through the night until he was five months old. I remember his schedule well, nursing on demand during the day, bedtime at 7, up at 1 and 5 back to sleep until 8. I was lucky, he was a good sleeper but he went down hard. I had to rock him or pace the room for hours, he was so hard to put down, always crying, wanting more time in my arms. It was hard. I know I was worn down but with him it was just him, I could sleep when he slept and I did. Ben is a shit napper. Shit. Like, 20 minutes here, maybe an hour there. The payoff, I guess, is that he goes down easy. He nurses fast and goes down like he’s been waiting his whole life for his bed. I’m in and out in 25 minutes.Thank god, too. He’s up and then he’s up again and most nights I see him 4 times before Nate is up and then it’s over,it doesn’t matter how much longer he sleeps.
Nate’s naps are getting sporadic. I wonder how much longer he will even sleep. Some days it’s an amazing three hours and other days he just plays until I let him out. One of my best ideas was “quiet time” he was freaking out over naps and I decided to nix calling it nap time and told him he could read or play quietly but we both needed some time to ourselves. This was when I was hugely pregnant and needing the rest. It worked. At least I get an hour with him in his room a day.
You can’t get much done in an hour. Today I was asleep just long enough to start to drool when Ben woke up so I let Nate out, too. I didn’t know how I would survive one more minute. I still don’t. I am so tired I feel it in my bones. My limbs are heavy and my muscles are a little achy, I feel a little nauseous, I get dizzy a lot and my mind is on some sort of delay. I was at the post office today and the man at the counter asked me a question and I just stared at him and apologized, pointed at the baby and told him “sorry, I’ve been awake for 5 months.”
I went cold turkey on caffeine last week. I started drinking it a while ago, slowly at first.Half a can of diet coke for a few days to see if Ben had any reaction and then amped it back up to one or two a day and sometimes a latte on top of it. But then I got so damn tired I decided it needed to kick it and see if it helped Ben sleep. If it did I wouldn’t need it so badly, I had to give it a shot. He’s much more content, hanging out on a blanket with toys or watching his mobile. He’s not crying as much or needing to be held all day. But he’s still up at least three times between 11 and 6. So who knows. He still only poops once a week no matter how much fiber 1 I force feed myself and god knows I’d be pissed if I only went once a week, too.
I don’t really know where I’m going with this. It’s really just a bunch of paragraphs that boil down to me being dead tired and hoping with all of my remaining uncaffeinated energy that this ends soon. I know I will survive whether it does or doesn’t but sooner would be so much better than later. But for all I know this will go on forever,birthed one of those people who go their whole lives without needing more than 4 hours per night. Sweet Jesus, that would be just my luck.