It’s happening again. The black hole I’ve seen before, the one where I am suck in this fresh hell and there is no way out. No vision of the after, just today, just this exhaustion and this downward spiral that I can’t see past.
It’s not as bad as before but is that because I know what to call it this time, because there’s no denial? Or is it really not as bad, I don’t know but it’s not pretty. I’m barely treading water regardless. It’s just hard right now. One if not both of them always need something, always, 24 hours a day. Then there’s the other one, the one that works his ass off and needs clean socks and dinner when he gets home. He rarely has both on the same day and often he comes home to a mess of a house, a wife and a toddler who is naked from the waist down and a screaming infant. I swear I’m doing my absolute best which my be part of why it is so heartbreaking when I come up so horribly short. So very short.
I’m told to let the house get dirty, stop cooking, and basically stop being myself. I don’t know how to stop, this is what I do. I clean, i cook, I cut and paste and just keep going because it’s all I can do. I get dressed and put on makeup and we get out of the house and do the things that we love and it helps for a while but eventually we get home and that weight is on my chest again.
There are so many open offers of help, to just bring the kids over so I can nap or if I need something from the store. All honest and well meaning but I can’t drop off a kid who may crap his pants and a baby who you can’t put down. So I keep them no matter how little sleep there was the night before.
I know that this wont last, that more sleep will come, that I will lose the weight, that Nate will stop having accidents but today it’s my life. Today I feel hopeless so I will keep going until it passes.