Holding on with both hands

It’s happening again. The black hole I’ve seen before, the one where I am suck in this fresh hell and there is no way out. No vision of the after, just today, just this exhaustion and this downward spiral that I can’t see past.

It’s not as bad as before but is that because I know what to call it this time, because there’s no denial? Or is it really not as bad, I don’t know but it’s not pretty. I’m barely treading water regardless. It’s just hard right now.  One if not both of them always need something, always, 24 hours a day.  Then there’s the other one, the one that works his ass off and needs clean socks and dinner when he gets home.  He rarely has both on the same day and often he comes home to a mess of a house, a wife and a toddler who is naked from the waist down and a screaming infant. I swear I’m doing my absolute best which my be part of why it is so heartbreaking when I come up so horribly short. So very short.

I’m told to let the house get dirty, stop cooking, and basically stop being myself. I don’t know how to stop, this is what I do. I clean, i cook, I cut and paste and just keep going because it’s all I can do. I get dressed and put on makeup and we get out of the house and do the things that we love and it helps for a while but eventually we get home and that weight is on my chest again.

There are so many open offers of help, to just bring the kids over so I can nap or if I need something from the store. All honest and well meaning but I can’t drop off a kid who may crap his pants and a baby who you can’t put down. So I keep them no matter how little sleep there was the night before.

I know that this wont last, that more sleep will come, that I will lose the weight, that Nate will stop having accidents but today it’s my life. Today I feel hopeless so I will keep going until it passes.


12 thoughts on “Holding on with both hands

  1. Christina, I’m so sorry. It’s hard. It’s the hardest thing you will probably ever do. And you are doing it – you are surviving. You are keeping those little boys alive and safe and that’s the most important thing right now. Please take care of yourself. You are an important person to a lot of people.

  2. Call your doctor. You DO know what it is and you know that it can be helped. I know you’re doing your absolute best right now .. and honey, that is PUHLENTY .. so just listen to Michelle up there and know that your job, as a SAHM, is to mother your children. THAT’S ALL. The rest of the stuff? Can absolutely wait.


  3. Oh, Christina. I know I know I know. I so wish I could do more to help. But I think you 1. should call your doctor 2. drop those kids off at one of those offers of help even though you are worried about the not putting down and the pants crapping and 3. cut yourself some slack. I am guessing your husband thinks you are doing a damn good job. I know I do!
    I am that same girl – the one who doesn’t feel better when just letting the dirty floors go, so I get that you can’t just let it go. I really really do.

  4. you don’t know me, so I’m sorry for interjecting, but we live such similar lives- in SAHMland. It’s really hard with 2! It gets better as they get older, and I’m sure there are lots of moms out there who have 3,4,5 kids and make it look easy peasy, but not me. I feel so angry with myself on the days when it hits 4pm and I’ve just had enough. Enough noise, enough crying, enough touching, enough I want I want I want. Enough already! then remorse for loosing my patience. Then anger for my hubs not coming home and scooping the kids up and giving me time to myself to cook dinner. Anger that he takes down time when I really REALLY want down time. Then remorse again for feeling that way when he’s the one who goes to work all day long and makes the moola to let me stay at home. *sigh* it’s hard to be mom no matter what anyone tells you. and yes, my kitchen gets filthy everyday and it’s impossible to keep it clean the way I’d like. sometimes, when the hubs gets home, I tell him to put on shorts, we are going out for dinner because I just can’t stand to be in the house with those two things any longer. It is impossible to cook dinner with a dramatic infant crying at your feet and a 3yr old whining like only a 3yr old can.
    So yup, talk to your doctor about it, make your life better any way you can! drop off Nate with lots of clean undies or maybe some pullups, enjoy life with just one bambino, or viceversa, tell Mike you need an hour to yourself and take a LONG shower or even *gasp* dry your hair! those three men revolve around you and without you, they’d be lost, so take care of you- just thought you should know you aren’t alone AT ALL 🙂

  5. Oh Christina- I’m sorry. It can be so very, very hard. You are not alone. It does take a village and it can be difficult to reach out for help. Believe me I really struggle with it, but I firmly feel we aren’t meant to raise our children in a vacuum. We need to lean on each other. Take those chances you have to be good to yourself- they are so important. When things get bad, Dave always reminds me that if the kids are alive and generally happy, then I’ve done enough. Sometimes I want to punch him for saying it, but it really is true.

  6. Hang in there kiddo, things will get better. You are a great mom even if the house is dirty and I’m sure Mike does not mind. You are who you are and I know, no matter what people say, you won’t be happy “not being you” but it’s ok to let that happen every now and then.

  7. Call your doctor. You have done this before – I watched you handle it with strength and grace and beauty. I know that you will climb through it again. Hate that you’re going through it, but Christina you KNOW my hand is here if you need to be pulled up. I’m always ready to listen. You WILL make it through this.


  8. I was swimming in it once Rt was born. I wouldn’t give in and call the doc. I could do it without meds. I could BEAT it. Everyone is a mother and if I can’t hack it, who am I?

    Luckily, by the time I was willing to surrender, I was getting more sleep and starting to feel myself and I learned after the fact not to expect perfection from something I had no training on. Not one babysitting job, nothing, so what was I to expect? I put all my eggs on the mother basket and wasn’t surviving with a perfect record.

    So humbling.

    You’re going make it. It’s not going to be easy. Of course, that doesn’t change today, but know you are not alone, AT ALL.


  9. At the very least, you are talking about this problem. You do know this will pass, you know in a few weeks this problem will be gone. You know this.

    Second, you don’t have to stop being yourself – but you do need to give yourself a freakin break. If people didn’t want to look after your kids, they would not offer! TRUST ME ON THIS. Besides, when kids are with people who are not their parents, they behave better. People who’ve just not had a baby – LOVE holding babies all day!

    Third, with the lack of sleep and the lack of your ability to organize and prepare – you will turn into a maniac who is no good to her children or her husband.

    Just something to think about…

  10. I have been there. People offer to watch the kids, but there is only one that I think I can leave my daughter with and not have her scream the whole time I am gone. But, the day will come when things are “normal” again. First one thing will change, and then others. Then there will be bad days/weeks, and it will get better again.

  11. Oh Christina….I just now read this post. Im so sorry that I am just now catching up. I had no idea that you were going through this. I went through it too. After the second one, there seems to be a new level of “out-of-controlness”. I understand. Gracie was not like Landyn at all. Her habits and wants/needs were different. She also demanded hands-on time. That threw me for a loop. I understood that G may not be like L, but dang…. I had no idea that she would seemingly come from a different blood line. ugh! You’ll get used to it…. You could in fact talk to you Dr like someone above suggested. ..and take some time for yourself. I know that is easier said than done…but you need it. Please call me if you want to discuss anything. I have a little time now since L started school….which is a whole new story and issue. ugh!!!

    Please forgive me for not commenting before now. xoxo

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