The way that I used to be

I was given 14 pills, free samples from the midwife.  14 pills to decided if this was a good thing or a bad thing, 14 pills to make it all smaller.   Yesterday I quietly walked up to the counter at the pharmacy and handed my written prescription, answering the questions without making eye contact.  Embarrassed by what I need.  When it was ready I paid and the woman told me to meet the pharmacist at the consultation window, “Oh, that’s okay I don’t have any questions.”  “Sorry, it’s required with this kind.”  “Oh, I understand.”  I replied, hanging my head again.   The pharmacist was so kind.  Did you taper up-How are you feeling-Are you sleeping-Are you eating.  Much easier than the line of questions at the dr “do you think you could hurt yourself?”

It’s been almost two weeks and life is so completely different now.   The same but different.  It’s easier and calmer and the way it should have been all of this time.   Things are simple annoyances rather than deal breakers.  I already don’t know how I went on for so long the way I did, the way we did. 

The outpouring of support and love I’ve received of the past two weeks has been almost more than I know what to do with.  The phone calls and emails and the comments left here.  I can’t fully put into words what it feels like to share something so terrifying and to get nothing but love back.   There have been some hard moments, though.  I got a few calls from friends who said they knew.   That was harder to swallow than any pill.  I was so surprised to learn that not only was I not kidding myself but no one else was buying it either.  

The first weekend on the med’s we went to a baseball game.  The last game we went to I was miserable.  Following Nate all over the place, refusing to hold my hand, driving me insane.  I didnt want to be there, I didn’t want to have to deal with him tripping and getting into peoples way.  This time was totally different.  This time he stayed with me and held my hand we had a blast wandering around and playing.   This was day 4 and I could tell that life was already changing. 

This past weekend we spent in Sandusky at the Great Wolf Lodge and playing around a few parks on Lake Erie.  When Mike booked the trip I didnt want to go, I didnt care.   Why bother going anywhere, you cant make me happy by changing my surroundings.   This weekend was exactly what we all needed.  We had so much fun we didnt want to come home.   I decided to fix this before the trip, I had two weeks to get better.

 I did.  I am.  I will be.

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8 thoughts on “The way that I used to be

  1. Glad you are on your way to feeling better…it will take time, you will probably hit brick walls, but do not give up. It’s not easy, nothing ever is, but i have faith in you. Much love…always! miss you guys so much…xoxoxoxo

  2. SO SO SO happy that you’re already feeling better!! i’ve been thinking about you often and checking your blog as well, so it’s good to see your update today. it makes such a difference once that fog lifts 🙂

  3. I could have written these last two posts myself. You expressed everything I felt last year at this time – I was right there with you.
    I am so glad you are feeling better – when you start to crawl out of it, you look back in such wonder – how did you go on so long not knowing how much better it could be?

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