Okay, listen and listen good.
I stopped into Starbucks this morning on the way to a hair appointment and found myself appalled. Appalled, people! I realize that the Suburbs of Ohio sounds gawd awful. And, that’s fine. I mean, what is in your head is probably pretty accurate. Big hair, Mom jeans, crocks on grown women. It’s bad. This makes it hard for me, really. Mainly because I am but a shell of my old fashionable self. Things happen when you leave your job and stay home with a kid who leaks fluids on you and upends entire bags of goldfish in your formerly clean car. Life, it happens. That being said, BUCK THE STEREOTYPE. Gah! I’m not perfect, I wear Dansko clogs all winter long. My sunglasses, while Coach, are 5 years old. I could do better but damn, at least I try.
Without further ado: A Mean Girls list of what not to wear.
- A toe ring! I don’t care if your feet are cute or it goes with your outfit. They are over.
- A sweatsuit of any kid. If you are not warming up for a honest to goodness track meet you have no business in one! PERIOD. 2a. Yes, this includes air travel. If your jeans are not comfortable to sit in that long, you need a bigger size. IF you need a bigger size of jeans, seriously, your ass doesn’t look good enough to sport that velor in the first place.
- A little black back pack! These were not “cool” even when they were “in.” They were dumb then, now you should be embarrassed. I saw two of these today. TWO!
- Stacked heals. If your shoe is 2 inches thick from toe to heel- let them go.
- Spiral Perms.
- Tank tops: If your tank top has a “built in bra” this is by no means a permission slip to go without one! I don’t care if your barely filling an A cup. Or if you have fake boobs. Wear a bra! Always.
- Ed Hardy. Just.Don’t.
- If you need hairspray, it may be time for a make under.
- Artificial Nails: what a waste of money! Also, gross.
- Pale is the new Tan. Stop Tanning!
- Stripe Highlights. I was a HUGE fan about 7 years ago. That is how long it’s been since that look was in. It’s time to tone it down. (if your highlights look like your wearing a Cat as a Hat, get a new stylist- black hair and yellow clumps are not a good look.)
- Chipped nail polish.
- Facial Hair. There is no need to be embarrassed by this- just get some Nair and melt it off! A salon wax is around $15. Pick one. 14a. groom your eyebrows. Your brows frame your face, you can be the poster hanging with thumb tacks or the nice matted frame hanging neatly on the wall. Do you want to look like a dorm room or a stylish house?
- Overalls. O.M.G.
I’m not making any of this up, these are all things I have seen recently. There is no excuse, you can look as cute as you can afford in Central Ohio. There are great shops, it’s not like there are no options. And yet, it’s a giant community of what not to wear nominees.
Please, add to the list if you have some of your own!