Life’s been kicking me in the ass for the past few weeks. Nothing feels right. Nothing is going well. I’m not eating very well, sleeping well, or getting enough exercise. Nathan’s not drinking enough milk, eating enough vegetables or sleeping much. The house is never clean enough, the dog is always shedding…. you get the picture. Everything is just off.
Last week I didn’t have a thing to do. Plenty that needing doing but nothing that was fun or that got me excited. So, I took it a day at a time and ended up going shopping for 7 days straight. Seven days. I got plenty of things, too. Some for Nate, some for me, some were needed, some were not. It was great in the moment. We had fun, I got to shop and drink coffee. Nate got to play at a few mall germ infested playgrounds ( and has the fever and snot to prove it) After the week what have I gained? Nothing. A few new tops, etc. But I’m not better. Sometime around Wednesday I was fishing out an old John Meyer CD because I had started singing. “I’m dizzy from, the shopping mall. I searched for joy and I bought it all.”
I’m just in this place again, still. I don’t know. I do know that I hate it. I hate that I allow myself to get here, and then to stay so long. I live a good life and yet I feel sorry for myself when I shouldn’t. I feel sorry that I don’t have any family near me to help when I need it. that we don’t have any Aunt’s or Grandparents here to babysit. I hate that I keep complaining about the same issues and do nothing to fix them. I hate using all of the above as a crutch.
But, isn’t this sort of normal, to an extent? Don’t we all sort of get sucked into our own black hole full of lattes and cookies? While I know the answer to this I cant stop thinking about a post I wrote similar to this about a year ago. My Dad laid the smack down in my comments saying-“Feel bored and spoiled? Drive by the unemployment office and look into the faces of those in line who wish they had the luxury to be bored.” And gah, I KNOW, RIGHT?! Who the hell am I to say a thing about a funk or shopping or needing a creative project to feel complete.
It’s that which keeps me to myself when I feel like this. Because I know. I know I’m a brat. But brats have feelings, too.
I’m trying to snap out of it but today hasn’t been so successful already. I need to get everything in order though I don’t know what that really means right now. Right now, the house is clean and the laundry is done, there are no chores to do today. But everything feels like a mess.