I have been writing this post in my head for a full week. I didn’t know where to start or what to say. But for a week there has been a lump in my throat for a little girl I never knew was here,until she was gone.
Since the 7th, the day Maddie died, it is on my mind constantly. I cried all day long after reading the tweet. I spent days reading about her and watching her March of Dimes page, looking at the family flickr stream. Oddly, I had no idea who this little person was. I’d never heard of her or her Mom. All I read was this family was living my(our) worst nightmare. That was all it took for me to affected. A little girl, one month younger than Nathan was gone. Just like that.
I couldn’t imagine, I didn’t want too. Yet, I still cant get it out of my mind. I realize now that it’s not about Maddie at all. It is, but it isn’t. It took a few days but I realized that it was more about why am I so lucky. Why is Nate healthy, why one child and not the next. Not something anyone can answer but it is haunting me. I know it doesn’t help that I keep reading about her. That I went and read Heather’s eulogy and watched the video tonight. Sobbing so loudly Mike came to rub my back and watch with me. Warning me not to get “too” depressed. Sarah said it perfectly tonight. It’s survivors guilt. And it hurts.
To read her eulogy and see the video- you can visit here.
Heather, Maddie’s mom’s blog. Is here.
You can donate to the march of dimes in Maddie’s name, here.