I’m sitting here doing nothing, pounding a coke zero in an attempt to not eat a cupcake. Watching the clock, annoyed at what time it is. What time do I want it to be? What am I waiting for? Nothing is happening no matter the time, yet I am annoyed with the clock. Nathan is asleep, perfect child of mine. Really, I don’t deserve the sweet boy. I should be doing something, I should be on the treadmill, I should be unloading the dishwasher, moving loads of laundry, or even just working on my TiVo that is 78% full. I should be doing something.
But, I’m not. I’m sitting at this desk in the dim light of the basement just feeling pissy. Being pissy, I don’t know. What’s the difference? I don’t feel like myself, again. I hate it but I recognize it. I know why, I know it will pass. Why is this so hard.. why is doing what is best for your child such a pain?
You expect that getting the hang of nursing will take some time. It will hurt, it is a major commitment and will rule your life for the first few months. You (sort of) know what to expect. “They” tell you that you will get through it, it is worth it, you will be just fine. You do get through it, it IS worth it but fine? Not always. “They” don’t tell you that it messes with your head, not just your body. That when you decide stop no matter how slow you wean, it is hard. It is painful, it turns you into someone you don’t want to be around. You are told that you will be a little engorged. A little engorged, and child birth is like popping. Lies on both accounts! A little engorged. What do you do when you are only feeding one time in 24 hours and you have a clogged duct? No amount of hand expressing will help, you can use hot compress’ and take Tylenol but you cant pump. If I pump it destroys it, one extra letdown and it’s all out the window.
It is so overwhelming, and also not. I know that as I type this with anger in my fingers that I am fine. Tomorrow will be better than today, and even right now as mad as I am its at nothing. I know that I am sad and I don’t know why I am doing this at all. I don’t know if I am really ready or if I am doing it because its “wired” to nurse a toddler? I don’t know, but I do. When I wasn’t stuck inside my own head this was the right thing to do, and on Tuesday morning I was ready. I know it is time, that it is not healthy for me to hold on to this and that nursing will not keep the boy from growing up. Today I don’t want him to grow another ounce, another inch. I am desperate to freeze time and beg him to stay small. I know it is time to move on and let go. And what am I complaining about anyway? My new finish line is around Christmas, I still have time, what is the big deal today? I have more time, I know that behind all of this fog that I am ready and I am doing what is right for us. I should feel proud of myself but I don’t. I should shut up, I know that all of these emotions are normal and I am fine. I know that tomorrow is another day. I know that in 3.5 hours it will be Nate’s bedtime and then I will feel better for a few hours. I know that those few hours could lead to all better and being over it. I know that what I am feeling now is just the caffeine and hormones.