unraveling

I didn’t know that you could come back here.  Back to the dankness you remember from the early days of sleep deprivation, anxiety and fumbling.  I didn’t know you could spiral backward and loose all self confidence.   And here I sit.  Depressed, alone, not having a clue what I am doing.

Things have been getting progressively harder since we were in Denver.  It started with Nate not napping unless he was in my arms, then to not sleeping at night.  Those three days were terrible, we were both cranky and tired and so ready to be home.  Once we were home he teased me, sleeping all night the first night and napping perfectly the next day.  He seemed to settle into an every other day pattern, perfect and god awful.   Seattle started off on a bad foot.  He started running a fever on the flight over, it was downhill from there.  Add temps in the 90’s and no air conditioning and  we were all on edge.  He is over the virus now but he isn’t “better.”  Neither am I.    He is cranky and fussy, he reaches up, I pick him up, he reaches out and arches his back.  He dosent want up or down our snuggled or to play or anything- he just wants to be a pain in the ass.  I am loosing the ablity to fake it with him, usually I can stay “happy” and he will warm up and shake it off.  Neither of us are shaking it off anymore.    I need a break. 

I don’t know how to do this.   It’s probably just jet lag, I’ve got it too.  I haven’t gone to sleep before 4 am the last two nights, I shouldn’t expect that he would just bounce back, either.   But last night I lost it, he went down perfectly but awoke after an hour and was up until 11.   I held him for hours, rocking, and singing and finally nursing and even that didn’t work.  He just wouldn’t go to sleep. I talked with him in the room, in the dimness of his night light, he was happy then crying, happy and then he head butted me so hard I bit my tounge, had two fat lips and he had teeth marks on his forehead,  Then, we both cried and I kept crying for at least an hour.  I reached my breaking point at 11 and just put him down, closed the door and got into bed in the guest room, listened for a while and then cried myself to sleep.  I don’t know how to do this.

He is/was trained to go down awake, which he is sort of doing but I don’t know what to do when he wakes up like this.   When he is awake, not just needing a belly rub and an bink.   I don’t know what to do with him when I go in and hes crying, sitting up reaching for me.   So, I rock him.   But,  its not working.   Is this nothing?  Is it the trips, is it separation anxiety, is it spoiled, 46 week regression?  I don’t know, but I cant take it. 

He is all over the place now, opening drawers, pulling lamps off of tables, pulling up on everything and I run all day,  redirecting him and trying to think of a way to make things safe (what the eff do you do when they are unplugging the lamp and you need the lamp, its the only source of light in the room?)  I try and keep him confined yet give him freedom,  try to keep him clean,  dry,  bathed, his nails clipped, his teeth brushed, fed,  entertained,  educated,  warm, cool, happy, continent and OMG I am NONE of these things.  The last time I took a shower I was in Washington!  That was Monday, it’s Thursday and I honestly have not had a second to bathe myself.     I am dirty, I am unhappy, I am alone and I am just trying to keep my head above water.

I don’t know how to do this.

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7 thoughts on “unraveling

  1. Oh you poor thing. He’s just been out of his routine with all of the travelling. You will get back to normal. hate to say it but you may just need to shut the door and leave him to cry, leave him to go to sleep at the right time. I had to do that with B when we got back from vacation. I had been rocking her to sleep bc she didnt want to sleep in the PnP. When we got back I had to let her cry in her crib at bedtime for about 3 nights. Its teh only way to break the cycle quickly. When its time for his nap today, just put him in the crib like usual and go take a shower! A nice long hot one!

  2. I totally agree with Laura. I know it’s hard, but it sounds like the right thing to do.

    Maybe hire a babysitter to come entertain cranky pants while you shower and have a little Christina time?

    xoxoxoox

  3. Oh that sounds rough. Our Nate gets a little out of routine when we travel, not that bad but still a little off. With him going in to console him frequently just keeps him up. He’ll cry for about 15 – 20 mintues then finally fall asleep. That’s what works for us.
    Definitely take some time for yourself, trade off with the hubby and have some alone time, you need it.

  4. The best advice I know to give is to learn to let yourself let him cry. Crying doesn’t always mean he needs you to fix something, only that he’s upset. He might need to start being given time to console himself, rather than having someone pick him up each time.
    I’m also thinking that either he’s not getting enough nap time during the day, or else he’s hitting a growth spurt. Or it could be a combination of both, since I’ve noticed Baby needs a lot more sleep when she’s going through a growth spurt. So maybe try getting him down for naps more often, even if they’re shorter? I dunno.
    I also agree with Laura. Put him down for a nap and go take yourself a hot shower. You’ll feel better and hopefully, after he’s slept a little, he will too. A mommy friend of mine also suggested to me that if you have a bath tub, get a bath seat and sit him in it while you shower, and then bathe him at the same time. He’ll be able to play while you’re cleaning yourself up and you’re kinda killing two birds with one stone.

  5. Sounds like a running theme here, but I agree with the ladies above. Time for sweet Nathan to cry it out (I know…ranks right up there with watching them receive shots at the dr.’s office). I can say we did much better with Alex on this than Adam. If I had it to do over, I would’ve had Adam cry it out much sooner (like Alex). We didn’t want Adam (ok…just me) to wake up Alex, so I would pick him up, cuddle him, and nurse him back to sleep. Sometimes more successfully than others. Due to this approach (vs. Alex) I had about a year of no sleep. Back with Alex, to wean myself into letting him cry it out, I would take a shower and try to relax. Low an behold, one I got out of the shower he had settled down and was almost asleep. It probably took 3 days before he got into the routine. Trips always thru things off (we’d have to go thru 3 days of hell all over again), but we kept up with the “cry it out” routine. Hang in there…it sucks going thru it, but know that it works!!!

  6. Yes, you DO know how to do this and you WILL get through this. Every mother on earth has had these moments. If they haven’t then their Nanny has.
    I have to agree, let him cry it out. It is heart wrenching but along with his new found freedom with mobility is the unfortunate growing up he must do as well. He needs to and will learn to soothe himself.
    I always had soft toys and board books in my kids crib at this age. They had no choice but some quiet time at nap time and bed time was just that, time for them to be IN BED. If they didn’t want to sleep, fine, then they could entertain themselves but I’ll be damned if I was going to entertain them when I wanted to and needed to sleep. You know what, I have excellent sleepers so I figure I did something right.
    ((((((HUGS)))))) Let your own tears flow too. But if you don’t feel better after you’ve had some rest and things settle back into normal, talk to someone about it ok? There is no shame in helping yourself!

    Oh, one other thing that always gets me is it may be a week of pure hell getting him to soothe himself but it is better than weeks upon weeks of no one sleeping. A few bad days will equal many more good ones!

  7. Honey bunny.

    It will get better. I don’t have any answers, but I do know how you feel. I promise it does get better. And if you need help, it’s okay for you to ask for help. Your hubby or family are there for you and for Nate.

    And of course, you can always bitch to me. 🙂

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