I didn’t know that you could come back here. Back to the dankness you remember from the early days of sleep deprivation, anxiety and fumbling. I didn’t know you could spiral backward and loose all self confidence. And here I sit. Depressed, alone, not having a clue what I am doing.
Things have been getting progressively harder since we were in Denver. It started with Nate not napping unless he was in my arms, then to not sleeping at night. Those three days were terrible, we were both cranky and tired and so ready to be home. Once we were home he teased me, sleeping all night the first night and napping perfectly the next day. He seemed to settle into an every other day pattern, perfect and god awful. Seattle started off on a bad foot. He started running a fever on the flight over, it was downhill from there. Add temps in the 90’s and no air conditioning and we were all on edge. He is over the virus now but he isn’t “better.” Neither am I. He is cranky and fussy, he reaches up, I pick him up, he reaches out and arches his back. He dosent want up or down our snuggled or to play or anything- he just wants to be a pain in the ass. I am loosing the ablity to fake it with him, usually I can stay “happy” and he will warm up and shake it off. Neither of us are shaking it off anymore. I need a break.
I don’t know how to do this. It’s probably just jet lag, I’ve got it too. I haven’t gone to sleep before 4 am the last two nights, I shouldn’t expect that he would just bounce back, either. But last night I lost it, he went down perfectly but awoke after an hour and was up until 11. I held him for hours, rocking, and singing and finally nursing and even that didn’t work. He just wouldn’t go to sleep. I talked with him in the room, in the dimness of his night light, he was happy then crying, happy and then he head butted me so hard I bit my tounge, had two fat lips and he had teeth marks on his forehead, Then, we both cried and I kept crying for at least an hour. I reached my breaking point at 11 and just put him down, closed the door and got into bed in the guest room, listened for a while and then cried myself to sleep. I don’t know how to do this.
He is/was trained to go down awake, which he is sort of doing but I don’t know what to do when he wakes up like this. When he is awake, not just needing a belly rub and an bink. I don’t know what to do with him when I go in and hes crying, sitting up reaching for me. So, I rock him. But, its not working. Is this nothing? Is it the trips, is it separation anxiety, is it spoiled, 46 week regression? I don’t know, but I cant take it.
He is all over the place now, opening drawers, pulling lamps off of tables, pulling up on everything and I run all day, redirecting him and trying to think of a way to make things safe (what the eff do you do when they are unplugging the lamp and you need the lamp, its the only source of light in the room?) I try and keep him confined yet give him freedom, try to keep him clean, dry, bathed, his nails clipped, his teeth brushed, fed, entertained, educated, warm, cool, happy, continent and OMG I am NONE of these things. The last time I took a shower I was in Washington! That was Monday, it’s Thursday and I honestly have not had a second to bathe myself. I am dirty, I am unhappy, I am alone and I am just trying to keep my head above water.
I don’t know how to do this.