As Spring continues to rock my world I am questioning my health over the past few months.
I’m realizing that I was quite off because hot damn do I feel fantastic now. I felt some of this one long grey winter in NC so I knew what it was about but this winter was so bad… I don’t know if maybe I had a touch of PPD along with Seasonal affective disorder or what? I have to say I’m pretty surprised that no one told me that I wasn’t being myself. (Not you guys but maybe Mike? or Mom? ) I remember questioning a friend when we meet at the mall when N was 8 weeks old. I told her how I didn’t answer the phone, I didn’t want to leave the house. It was cold and dang by the time I got out of the house it was time to feed him again anyway. I was very much in the throw my hands in the air stage. We stayed in my bed a lot during the day, snuggling and watching tv and reading Dr. Seuss and Curious George. I was happy smelling the top of his head but outside of that was cold and unknown. I tended to just stay in my own lair. I am just really surprised at this overnight change in my state of mind. I am seeing all of this behavior very clearly all of the sudden. I ended up chalking it up to the Mini-Pill which made me co-co for cocoa puffs, stopped talking it and felt better. Less jump out the window, more stay in bed sniffing the baby. Still, not me. But good enough. Now? Now, wow. I shake my head a little. Why didn’t I see it? I knew the eyes in the mirror looking back at me were empty, unless they were looking at Nathan, there was not much life in there. I know too, that when people would come to visit I would brighten up instantly. So happy for interaction, for a reason to blow out my hair. When Mike would come home from work I would cling to him, so happy to have him home.
Now, I am still happy he is home but it is so much different. I’m happy so he can see Nathan Jump in his lap and to hear him chant da-da-da and see how high his teeth got today. Fun stuff, not OMG where have you been I neeeeed you.
This wasn’t some dramatic Brooke Shields – Down came the rain event. It was much more mild than that because it never was about the baby. It was me, I never had any disturbing visions of hurting Nathan, but I would have thoughts of getting in the car and driving away, leaving him in his crib and go park in a lot somewhere and just sleep. God, just sleep.
On what appears to be the other side, I didn’t know! I didn’t recognize this. I am shocking myself to be writing this at all,,, I had this conversation with my Dad when N was about 4.5 months old. Him, sitting in my living room with me going on about how lucky I am, so in love with my family, so “happy” and he said he never understood PPD, and I said neither did I. I didn’t. I guess I still don’t. You are happy in a huge way but when no one was around, there was a strangeness that kept you in bed. That kept you in your PJ’s until 15 minutes before your husband gets home so he doesn’t know you were under a blanket on the couch most of the day. I though I was mostly okay, just had a little cabin fever maybe? A little bit with the weather, rather than under it?
I don’t know why I am writing about this really, other than it is a way for me to work through the feelings. I don’t know if I needed outside help even. I never asked for it, but I didn’t recognize this until just now.
Anybody else have a light bulb moment like this? Where your awakening is so dramatic you realize that this was a little deeper than you knew while you were in it?