It hasn’t completely sunk in what has happened to me in the past 3 weeks. It’s Sunday night and I’m not preparing for the work week, not watching the clock with the feeling of doom. While I know I’m not going to work I don’t quite “know” that I don’t have a job anymore. Well, one that draws a check anyway. This all feels like some sort of alternate universe where Mike and I are home all day together, asking each other a thousand times per day if the other is aware of how cute our boy is, how good, how sweet, etc. It’s as if I’m on some sort of vacation, one long vacation where the one who gets the least amount of sleep wins. I hold Nathan and cant believe he is real, that he is ours. It’s really no wonder that the feeling applies to other areas of my life right now.
Tomorrow monrning Mike goes back to work. This is very sad to me for several reasons. One, that he won’t be home with us playing house anymore. The past weeks while insane with family visits and our clocks being reset by the little one, have been wonderful. Working together as parents suits us. Two, he will miss something. I want him to be here the first time he smiles, rolls over, laughs. Third, it meas that Nathan is already 3 weeks old and the time is flying. I knew that everyone tells you that once you have a child that time will pass like it never has before. It hurts that this is true.
Nathan is changing daily, he is no longer wearing preemie clothes and diapers. Newborn sizes are fitting well. His body no longer looks brand new, all signs are healed over. He is holding his head up, briefly but he is. He is tracking with his eyes, yesterday he watched his mobile for the first time. He is growing fast, while I love that he is thriving it also breaks my heart. I want him to stay under 7 lbs, soft and sweet, fitting in the crook of my arm while he nurses so I can inhale the youth from the top of his head… savoring every moment. This part, the love for this child, this is the part of my new life that I get and have never been so grateful. The rest will sort if self out, for now it’s sharing the quite moments with my boy that make me know that this was the right decision all along.