I had an odd weekend.  Just felt in a funk that I couldn’t really shake.  After I got home from shopping on Saturday I took a 3 hour nap!  Normally I’m out for about 30-45 minutes and I’m ready to go again.  3 hours!  Just not right.  I didn’t get much done around the house either, I have turned into a lump on a log.  A moody, irrational roller coaster mess of emotion lump on a log.

This morning I still felt it so I stopped and grabbed a tea on the way into work and resolved to shake it.   After I did I realized what it was that was eating away at me.  I didn’t really get anything out of our birthing class and it left me pretty disappointed.  Mostly I felt down about the whole idea of the day the baby is born.  Not the arrival but the labor and delivery process.  I realized that I wanted something you cannot  have, I wanted to come out of the class thinking that everything will go great.  That I will get thru it unmedicated, that  I won’t be a blubbering mess, that I will not need assistance via a vacuum or any special monitoring.   My expectations were unreasonable so I left upset.  Afterward Mike and I went out for brunch and discussed the class.  He didn’t feel he had learned anything since I pretty much spew this stuff constantly and he actually listens with intrest.   He did however say he felt more comfortable with the whole process and that he felt he could let himself get excited now, rather than be nervous.  That was worth the cost of the class alone.  Funny thing is, I thought I would be the one more comfortable and he a mess afterward and it was the opposite.   About an hour had passed since this all dawned on me today and I realized I was already over it.  I know that the birth is unpredictable and had accepted that prior to this class.  I was just in a mood.

 Moods are a major thing right now.   I feel like a 13 year old most of the time (but with better skin) I fly off the handle in an instant.  Good and bad, I’m overreacting all day long.  I am wearing myself out.  Mike too, bless him hes trying to stay level with me.  It’s all over things that are pretty unimportant too which in turn annoys the hell out of me.  I am being way to hard on myself.  So what I didnt vacuum this weekend, or finish my thank you notes or any of the other little things I had planned on.  I need to relax physically and mentally.  I’m trying, I’m just doing much better with the physical part! 

Work is absolutely draining me which is sort of adding to my self induced stress.  Tim is doing very well with his training but I’m really struggling with getting my real work done and preparing for his next task all at the same time.   He leaves 30 minutes before I do so I have about that much time to hustle.   That said he is doing a good job and we are working together really well.  The hearsay was correct he didn’t have any prior experience but he is bright enough to be taught plus he is personal friends with our manager so I think that is helping him to care how well he does.  One thing I’m getting a kick out of is how uncomfortable my pregnancy makes him.  He is camped out in my office at a small table but he cant see me when he is working, he freaks out every time I have a heavy sigh or if I drop something and let a little grunt when I bend to get it.  He perks up with bright eyes that just scream OMG IS IT TIME?   He told me he’s taking a ridiculous amount of notes, which I had noticed, because “that thing could drop at any minute.”  I assured him we have plenty of time.  Poor guy!  I hope for his sake my water doesn’t break at work, I think he will have a panic attack.    So with all of this, I’m worrying myself that I’m falling behind which I simply don’t have time for.

 I’m just worrying about anything and everything right now…I hope it passes but I have a feeling that I won’t feel back to my normal emotional self for about 18-20 years.

9 thoughts on “uneasy

  1. Hahahah!
    Oh man did I laugh about him taking notes and being so concerned. It is kinda sweet along with hilariously weird!

    I think we all need to see some belly shots! 🙂

  2. Don’t be so hard on yourself! Who knows? You might still get to have your unmedicated delivery without all the fancy medical tools. Just because they have to inform you of the possibilities doesn’t mean that you’re guaranteed to need them! I think that just by wanting it, it puts you that much closer to achieving it.
    Considering your little trainee’s jittery attitude, I’m afraid on my last day I’d have to fake him out. Just for laughs.
    Not much longer now! Hang in there!

  3. Oh, man, I too am like a 13 year-old. I get angry at the drop of a hat, and I stay angry all day. And it’s over the dumbest things! And I too took a nap the other day for 2 hours.

  4. Okay, let me give it to you straight… I’ve had two children – both came out completely different. My one saving grace was that I did NOT have expectations on how the labor and delivery was going to happen. I focused on the little bundle of pooping joy that was going to come out and meet his family. I think it’s great to have wishes for what you want, but let the day go as it will. Do not force anything. If you feel that you want medication – then get it. One thing nurse said to me was “No one is going to stand on top of this hospital shouting hurrah for you because you sufferred without medication.” Point taken.

    In fact, I went through the first birth without medication because the nurses felt I wasn’t in labor! I showed them! The second birth was with medication because I’d been in labor for 12 hours already and I was so very tired. It just was what it was.

    I do know how you are feeling, my last trimester was the worst! I was angry all the time, I swore like a trucker, and NOTHING could make me cheer up. I was uncomfortable, hot, in the bathroom all the time, and couldn’t sleep. I was miserable! Do what makes you happy, if something brings you a moment of joy – do it!

    Napping is a respectable way to enjoy an afternoon! Do it often!

    The reason these birth classes suck so much is that the information has to be informative but “general” all at the same time. Good luck! There’s only a few more weeks left – go with the flow.

  5. I say listen to vixen. Though I know what you’re going through, at least a little bit. When I was told I had to have a C-section, I was SO DISAPPOINTED and I STILL HAVEN’T GOTTEN OVER IT. But I think that’s somehow just how some people are programmed. Also, the weepy thing:doesn’t go away after birth, but for me, it has gotten a little better. About two weeks before AF was born, we saw the children’s Christmas program at our church and I lost my mind crying (had to leave) because THAT COULD BE MY KID SOMEDAY. CRAZY.

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