I have been doing really well for about a two months keeping myself busy with non baby related tasks around the house, reading books with characters not just weekly pregnancy updates and not being all baby all the time. Yeah, that’s over!
It’s all I am thinking about, namely this little guys exit! I have been thinking of his actual birth, the pain and my desire to endure the process without the assistance of an epidural. I wonder if I am kidding myself and will find that I am not as strong as I hope to be. If I choose to use it, if the pain is too great will I be disappointed in myself, will my experience be less than I hoped for? Am I just an idiot? I wouldn’t get a filling without Novocain yet I’m contemplating pushing a person out of me with out so much as a Tylenol? I think of my ability to breast feed and have been having dreams that these giant knockers are going to fail me, and my son. Dreams of bizarre happenings where I break my jaw during labor and am unable to eat and am scribbling on a chalk board demanding that my Dr administer a feeding tube, I’ll be dammed if this is going to hurt my milk supply. So, I guess the worry is creeping in. Each of these I have limited control over, its really up to my body to do what it was created to do, I want to trust that it can handle both but I still over think it all. I suppose this is somewhat normal when you’re about to do this for the first time. That and you tend to beat dead horses whenever given the chance. I hope that the classes we will attend help some of the anxiety work itself out.
In-between all of the fretting I’m full, so full of excitement that I wear myself out. I look over my list of what we still need to buy and where to buy it (its all picked out, of course!) almost every day, as if I don’t have it memorized! I go into his room and take a deep breath of the baby lotion. I rock in his chair reading him books. I talk to him all the time, asking him what is he doing in there and how many friends did he invite over today as he seems to have more than 2 arms and 2 legs! I tell him that his doggie knows he’s coming; he is on to us both. I laugh when I can’t reach something and tell him he’s already changing my life. I dropped a pad of (small) post its and couldn’t find it, I stood up and it fell out, he is already hiding my stuff! I think of holding him for the first time wrapped up like a little burrito, all puffy and pink and not looking like either of us yet just brand new and mine. I look for a Halloween outfit or costume everywhere I go so he is ready for the neighborhood trick or treat and we can show him off to the neighbors, how big will he be; will he even fit in newborn yet? He knows his Daddy’s voice now, squirming as if he’s trying to get closer to catch every word. I think about the two of them together and can’t compose myself with the pictures that appear in my mind, the look that will be in his eyes wearing that smile that lights up his whole face when he holds him on his birthday! I think about the time of day he will arrive and hope it’s a decent hour and we can call everyone right away to announce him, I daydream of saying he’s here and his name is, and he looks like. Everything I do, everyday he’s here with me, in my body yes, but in my head and my heart. I already love him more than I ever imagined.
I’m done trying to distract myself and find other things to do. Now its time to sit back, rest a bit and keep dreaming of what it will be like when is on the outside and we learn to become a family. All the while telling him we can’t wait to meet him.