One Track Mind

I have been doing really well for about a two months keeping myself busy with non baby related tasks around the house, reading books with characters not just weekly pregnancy updates and not being all baby all the time.  Yeah, that’s over!

It’s all I am thinking about, namely this little guys exit! I have been thinking of his actual birth, the pain and my desire to endure the process without the assistance of an epidural.  I wonder if I am kidding myself and will find that I am not as strong as I hope to be.  If I choose to use it, if the pain is too great will I be disappointed in myself, will my experience be less than I hoped for?  Am I just an idiot?  I wouldn’t get a filling without Novocain yet I’m contemplating pushing a person out of me with out so much as a Tylenol?  I think of my ability to breast feed and have been having dreams that these giant knockers are going to fail me, and my son. Dreams of bizarre happenings where I break my jaw during labor and am unable to eat and am scribbling on a chalk board demanding that my Dr administer a feeding tube, I’ll be dammed if this is going to hurt my milk supply. So, I guess the worry is creeping in.  Each of these I have limited control over, its really up to my body to do what it was created to do, I want to trust that it can handle both but I still over think it all.  I suppose this is somewhat normal when you’re about to do this for the first time. That and you tend to beat dead horses whenever given the chance.  I hope that the classes we will attend help some of the anxiety work itself out.

In-between all of the fretting I’m full, so full of excitement that I wear myself out.  I look over my list of what we still need to buy and where to buy it (its all picked out, of course!) almost every day, as if I don’t have it memorized!  I go into his room and take a deep breath of the baby lotion.  I rock in his chair reading him books.  I talk to him all the time, asking him what is he doing in there and how many friends did he invite over today as he seems to have more than 2 arms and 2 legs!   I tell him that his doggie knows he’s coming; he is on to us both.  I laugh when I can’t reach something and tell him he’s already changing my life.  I dropped a pad of (small) post its and couldn’t find it, I stood up and it fell out, he is already hiding my stuff!  I think of holding him for the first time wrapped up like a little burrito, all puffy and pink and not looking like either of us yet just brand new and mine. I look for a Halloween outfit or costume everywhere I go so he is ready for the neighborhood trick or treat and we can show him off to the neighbors, how big will he be; will he even fit in newborn yet?  He knows his Daddy’s voice now, squirming as if he’s trying to get closer to catch every word.  I think about the two of them together and can’t compose myself with the pictures that appear in my mind, the look that will be in his eyes wearing that smile that lights up his whole face when he holds him on his birthday!  I think about the time of day he will arrive and hope it’s a decent hour and we can call everyone right away to announce him, I daydream of saying he’s here and his name is, and he looks like. Everything I do, everyday he’s here with me, in my body yes, but in my head and my heart.  I already love him more than I ever imagined.

I’m done trying to distract myself and find other things to do.  Now its time to sit back, rest a bit and keep dreaming of what it will be like when is on the outside and we learn to become a family.  All the while telling him we can’t wait to meet him. 


9 thoughts on “One Track Mind

  1. I’m so excited for you. I was talking to our “baby” today as well, but felt a bit stupid…
    I’m sure the birth will be ok, whatever happens. Try and remember, it’s all about the end result – a gorgeous baby boy. In the grand scheme of things, that’s all that matters…

  2. I’m glad I’m not the only one contemplating this sort of thing these days. As scary as it is, I’ve heard that the worst-case scenarios we hear about (and the ones we make up) very rarely happen.
    Thanks for your confidence in me. I have the same confidence in you. I think if you want it bad enough, you’ll make it happen.

  3. I’m so impressed with you-the decision about what pain relief (if any) to have is a big one. Me, I’m going all out for the epidural, but that’s because I’m a huge chicken and couldn’t face it without painkillers.

    You, you sound harmonious, and I really mean that.

  4. I think it is wonderful that you are getting so excited and the fact that you are worrying a little only shows that you are going to be a good mama. I wanted to be 100% natural the first time, “not even an aspirin” I’d say, much less an epidural. Now I wonder what the heck I was thinking, since you like you said, you wouldn’t get a tooth drilled or stitches without novacaine, but what is widely acknoleged as the most painful experience for humans we expect to do with no pain control. I totally support your decision, but don’t feel guilty if you need an epi or other help–all that matters is that you and baby are safe. Period. All the rest is gravy.

  5. I know that if I was pregnant, I wouldn’t be able to think about anything else either! I would have a totally one-track mind for 9 months. And having been on the receiving end of a couple “Yay, the baby is here” calls in the last 2 years, I say that your closest friends and family are going to want to know right away, even if it is an ungodly hour!!

  6. A few thoughts… how lucky this little bugger is. You are beautiful. I have no say in birth plans- I never had one- my scheduled c-section was my best friend. People will tell you you’re huge and you worry then some will say you’re small (and you worry). Once the babe is born they’ll say he’s huge or he’s small nobody has any clue, they just are trying to make small talk. Finally, I tried to remember that this is the one time when he is completely portable, warm, fed, content, and quiet. Oh, to be able to get in and out of a store quickly! Happy shopping!

  7. I am personally looking foward to the 2am call!! I am so excited for you! I know how you are feeling and it is fun to be the one who knows rather then the one who goes through it second! (you know what I am talking about) 10 more weeks!!!!!!!!!
    Love you

  8. just two things – 1) know that most women who say no drugs and then decide that the pain is too much and want drugs, end up wating too long and drugs are no longer an option – so if you decide you are gonna rough it – be aware you are probably stuck with that decision. 2) call me any hour of any day – he may be YOUR nugget, but he’s OUR grandnugget!

    Love you


  9. I have a secret to share – I had to have a C-section birth, and I don’t feel like I’m really a “mom” or a “real woman” because of it. I day dream about what it would be like to have a “real birth” and whether or not I’ll ever get to try…

    The calls are one of the best things ever, I just wish that I was coherent enough to make them.

    You make me totally miss being pregnant.

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