I want to be better at everything I do. See, I love it all. I love to cook for my family, even though it’s the hardest part of every day. I love that every week I make all new recipes, only repeating the incredible now and then. I love the look on my husbands face when he takes that first bite . I love the sound the knife makes when it hits the cutting board. The buzz of the kitchen when it is alive with music and the fan running and the smells.  Still, I wish I were better at planning and getting dinner on the table at the same time.  I love to feed people, when my house is full of friends or family and the kitchen is buzzing, that is when I am most at home.  When the flowers are fresh and the candles are lit. I love a house full of love.

I love to decorate. I love to make a home out of 4 walls. I love the opportunity to make nothing represent my family. I wish I could create more storage, and have less kid clutter and that there wasnt a giant rip in Nate’s quilt right now but this is my life and life sometimes has holes. I love to fill a space with life and love and color and plants. I even love the holes.

I love to create. Wether it’s baking or sewing or crafting or designing a room. This is when I am most at peace. When I have a new idea or a current project, I can focus on nothing else. I get project add and my mind spins and the house gets messy and I forget to eat. I feel so alive when I can make new things. I wish I could do it everyday. I sometimes daydream of when the boys are both in school all day and I can sew for hours or make candles or try to make crapes. But then I rewind because,hell no. Slow down.

I’m not very good at being a mom when my mind is too focused. The worst days are when I’m in trapped in creativity. When the kids need me I get annoyed, I’m busy. I’m being Christina right now. I don’t like the way that feels, but it is true.

I struggle with balancing my love. When you’re my friend, I will lift my car for you. I love you, have I mentioned? Anything you need, I’m here. And I won’t let you forget. I don’t have a lot of friends and that’s my choice. I can’t be this to more than a few people. I don’t know how to be half of this. It’s all or nothing. I have to keep my circle tight. But then sometimes, well, often, life is real and I miss an email or can’t get together for a while and sometimes I just drop the ball and that’s hard on me and on “you”- I’m there! There! There! and then,, not. I get busy with sick kids or down, and then I hate that. And I feel badly and guilty and then I start to eat too much and do what my therapists calls “catastrophize” and suddenly I suck at everything and I never sent those thank you notes for Christmas gifts, surely everyone will hate me and think I’m a horrible mother and I’ve not seen my friends and I promised I’d bring Darci a meal but then the whole house got the flu and I can’t contaminate her new-born but I said I would and……..

The thing is, I’m just really sensitive. I feel everything. I cry when I see car accidents, I fight myself from offering strangers a ride when it’s raining. I want to give everything to everyone and make everyone in my life happy. I really do. because what is better than happy? Why wouldn’t I want that for the people I love? But, I cannot be everything to everyone. And I know that, but I’ve found that if I keep my body moving and my head clear, I can be everything to myself and that is what matters most.

It’s such a gift, being a mother. The ability to create these people and then be able to stay home with them and watch them grow.  Ben, who doesn’t speak much, understands everything we say and follows directions like he’s in boot camp. Nate with his scrunched up face yells, “FINE THEN, You figure it out.” Or tells stories about his life outside of home and on his own, finding his way at school and making friends.

They play together like they knew each other before they got here. How can you have such a bond in such a short time? Watching kids together they teach each other so much.  They teach me so much by watching and by letting them work out their problems.  Nate teaches Ben his dance moves and they hold hands in the car and kiss each other goodnight and trade sippys when Ben has milk but wants Nates juice.

Everyday, they get bigger and better at life and I realize that they are doing this in preparation of leaving me. And hot ham, as crazy as they made me today I’m not ready for them to be that big.

I spent some money and I’m really pissed off at myself for it. It started with a pillow last week but I took that back the next day. I thought about buying it so hard in the store and decided to get it, then when I got home I was fine with it, I was going to keep it. But I couldn’t, I felt guilty and it went back. Yesterday, after working out, Nate asked in his sweet little voice,” Mommy, can we go to Old McDonald’s?” I can’t take it when hc calls it that, we went.  $13. Food, so sort of okay, I guess. But impulse and a no-no for what I’m trying to achieve. Plus, its shit, and my kids shouldnt be eating it. Today, after I dropped Nate at school I needed to go to Target for some meds and Ben had been up since 4, and I knew if I went home he’d fall asleep and ruin his nap…so I went to Michael’s, and spent $8. Just some stuff to finish a project and it’s just $8 but damn. I broke. Is it the sleep? Is it lack of give a crap because of the sleep? I think a little of both, really.

It’s supposed to snow tomorrow afternoon and on Friday and for some reason that seems like a big ole pj-day permission slip. I’m looking forward to that. I think I need to crock-pot something too so I can really just do nothing for a bit.

There is so much I want to accomplish this year. So, here we go!

Around the house.

Add a shelf to the laundry room.

Organize the pantry. Buy bins and trays.

Pare down my cookbooks organize a tear sheet binder

Get a rug for the den

sew the cover for the Danish chair and stuff and re-sew the anthro place mat for the chair

paint the 3 walls on the main floor that I was never sure what to do with. I’m still not sure but they look stupid not painted.

Paint the baseboards on the main floor

Finish the master bath. trim and cutting in. (I started this LAST MARCH!)

Add storage to playroom closet

Bite the bullet and do the half bath! Pattern walls, either with wallpaper or a stencil!

Clean out the kids closets and add storage solutions. A pile on the floor is not a solution!

Find a place to store all of my craft stuff! it’s in too many places.

Have the windows cleaned!

Have a gorgeous front yard this year!

New cushions and umbrella for the patio set.

Start planning the kitchen. Price appliances. Get an idea of a budget so we can start saving.

Get a fence quote for the same reason. I want a dog next summer 2013 and won’t have one without a fence.

With the kids

Renew our pool membership

Take them to the park when the weather is good, no matter how much I freaking hate going to the park. I never regret it when we go.

Treat them like people.

Give them adventures not crap from Target!

Remember that adventures don’t have to be planned. They are boys, dig for worms after the rain. Watch ants march across the sidewalk.

With myself

I’m removing a # from my goal in regard to weight. If my clothes fit, good! If they don’t, work harder.

Eat more real food, and less stuff that comes in a package

Try every class the gym offers.

Wear a bikini on my 10th anniversary trip!

Give up pop for a month. (and then maybe for good?)

Give up sugar for a week.

Read 12 books this year. (compared to ZERO last year)

I will wear sunscreen every day!

____

I’m sure there is more, I’ll add to the list if there are changes. Last year I refered to this a few times to see how I was doing.

In a nutshell, I just want to be healthy, have fun, get organized and keep working on my home. I have a feeling this year holds a lot of surprises and good things for my family.

My word for 2012 is PRIDE.

It encompasses everything, I think. My health, both mental and physical. My job as a wife, mother, sister, daughter, friend. My ability to take care of my home and provide a nurturing and healthy environment for my family.  There’s no way you can think of the word and for it to not be positive. I want to be proud of myself and the life I am leading. This year I will focus on just that.

1. What did you do in 2011 that you’d never done before?

Dropped Nate off at school! I don’t know how he’s become so grown up but here we are! Pre-school.

2. Did you keep your new year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year?


Yes and no. Isn’t that always the answer? I did eventually get into a great fitness routine and am in some serious shape, maybe the best of my life but I’m still heavy. I didn’t run that 11 miles on November 11th, but I ran 5 and that’s damn fine with me.  I did a ton of things from my list but some I never even thought of. And yes, I will make a new one for this year along with my to-do!

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?


A few great internet ladies and my friend Darci, she didn’t give birth but she did bring home a brand new baby just this week! Adoption is a magical thing.

4. Did anyone close to you die?

My uncle Steve. He’d been ill for 9 years and for most of those years he was waiting for a liver. Sadly, he never got one. He is in a lot of my dreams, giggling and calling my kids little shits, just like he did when he was here.

5. What countries did you visit?

None.
 And same answer for next year. STOP ASKING THIS YOU PRETENTIOUS MEME!

6. What would you like to have in 2012 that you lacked in 2011?

A better, healthier lifestyle. I’ve gotten really lazy about feeding the kids the same things all of the time and then picking at what they don’t eat and calling it a meal. I want to plan better and have more whole, raw and less processed foods. So, I guess, better physical health.

7. What dates from 2011 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?

This year was pretty uneventful for big exciting stuff but Ben’s first birthday in Michigan was really fun.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?


Deciding to take care of my whole self.. after I got my head in order I started working on my body. My scale may hate me but I feel amazingly healthy.

9. What was your biggest failure?

I refuse to label anything I did this year as a failure. Bumps in the road are part of life.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?

Obvsly, I lost my marbles. I had a few colds but nothing serious which is pretty great considering I’ve been awake for about 18 months.

 11. What was the best thing you bought?

All of the things that brought me back. My hospital stay, ongoing therapy, meds, etc! Money well spent.

12. Where did most of your money go?

All of the boring places and a few family trips.

13. What did you get really excited about?

The blathering, Ben’s 1st birthday, Nate starting school, feeling the sun on my face after a long cold winter.

14. What song will always remind you of 2011?

Falling, Florence + The Machine, it’s a love song but to me it’s about something completely different. Sometimes I wish for falling, I wish for the release, wish for falling through the air to give me some relief. because falling’s not the problem, when I’m falling I’m at peace, it’s only when I hit the ground it causes all the grief. —-I’m not scared to jump, I’m not scared to fall, if there were no place to land I wouldn’t be scared at all.

I love this song so much.

15. Compared to this time last year, are you:


– happier or sadder?thinner or fatter?richer or poorer? HAPPIER! Same. Richer.

16. What do you wish you’d done more of?


Sleep, exercise, moisturize, read, take long hot baths.

17. What do you wish you’d done less of?


Well, eat. Duh!

18. How did you spend Christmas?

At home with my in-laws, stuffing our faces all the live-long day with amazing food and drinks. Watching the boys light up and buy into the whole shebang. It was fantastic, I was truly and completely happy. I only wish it had snowed.

19. What was your favorite TV program?

I don’t watch a lot of TV but I love Flipping out and Design Star. Those two I never miss. I watch The Office, Parks & Rec, 30 Rock,The big bang theory with Mike every week so lets say all of those! (which I do like!) I really miss having a girl-style drama, I miss Brothers and Sisters.

20. What were your favorite books of the year?

I didn’t read any real books this year outside of reading to my kids and my therapy workbooks. Reading is SO on the 2012 list!

21. What was your favorite music from this year?


Vampire Weekend (the kids favorite!) And pretty sure I said Flo last year but Florence + the machine. the b sides has been my fav and now I have her new one! Love!

22. What were your favorite films of the year?

I only saw a few in the theater, we get a ton on demand from the couch but, I have no idea. Did I have a fav?  I sure liked seeing Crazy Stupid Love, but hello, of course I did.

23. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?

I turned 34 this year and was at home in Washington!I went to my favorite Thai place with my best girl friends, sister and aunt.  And we had a little party at my in-laws house and Mike and I left the kids for the first time (!) and went to dinner, a movie and stayed in a hotel where I passed out on top of the bed, in my dress, within minutes of walking in the door. Best sleep I had all year! (sorry, babe, what did you expect?)

24. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?

SLEEP! OMWORD SLEEP!  Forget money and more time with my family and more exercise and broccoli. I’m tired. Who knew that 4 year olds got up every single night, multiple times? And for going on 8 months? Okay, maybe a tranq gun…

25. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2011?

Brave.  I’ve been having a lot more fun getting dressed. Despite the my current size, I mean, my boobs aren’t going to look smaller without a necklace so why not wear one, right? I know that I don’t have to be perfect to feel cute, and when I feel cute I am! I’m the only one who cares or knows that I’m packing some extra weight, and dressing like a wallflower makes me feel sad. No sad! No more!

26. What kept you sane?

Well, there was NO sanity until about July…. but my meds, my med manager and my therapist. But, me, too. I’ve done a lot of very hard work this year and I am totally taking credit for where I am now!

27. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2011.


This isn’t a cut and dry answer but I’ve learned the difference between my personality and symptoms of illness.  A lesson that I hope will help me in the long run.

I’ve got big plans for great health and fun this coming year! BIG PLANS!

Life is busy with two kids, not news I know, but it is. It is so easy to just keep putting one foot in front of the other and space out in the down time, which, let me tell you, I’ve mastered. But I miss sharing the little things. Silly things with the kids or the fun we’ve had. When I don’t write I live in a bit of a bubble. At times that’s what I need and at others it’s the opposite. Learning that I have regular old depression and anxiety and NOT just ppd (which I did, both times which made my regular depression escalate) and working with my therapists I’ve learned when it’s okay to keep to myself and when it is hurting my progress. Not that I want this space to be all about the crazy because I don’t, but at times it will be here.  It probably would have been fun/funny to write a few weeks ago when I had a med change and was totally going nuts in a way that I could laugh at, I knew what was going on but I had to be sure it wasn’t just pms..it wasnt!

So one of my resolutions for 2012 is to write more.  And to share more. I don’t want to tell you about every new house plant but I do want to share the stuff that makes me happy and I’ve stopped doing that. So there will be more about what I’m doing around the house, lots about the size of my thighs, as I SWEAR to myself this will be the year I see my pre-baby weight.  And really, I just hope to bring this blog back to what it was. It’s been a long time.

I’m working on my word and my list! And I’m hoping for a great 2012.

I’m just not feeling it. I keep trying to figure out why. Is it because we ordered the kids stuff on-line? Is it because I don’t expect any surprises under the tree because I made a list this year? Is it because we aren’t going home? I just don’t know. But whatever it is I just don’t care much about it.

I don’t like it and not liking it is making me grouchy and even less into it. I just want to put away all of the glass ornaments that I keep fishing out of the toilet and throw away my stupid tree because half of its lights went out and put the house back the way I like it. Which is just wrong! I typically LOVE how the house looks and feels when it’s decorated. I don’t get it. I wont give up. Must try harder!

How are you doing? Are you feeling the season?

What did I spend, how did I live.

The month was hard at first. I had all of my normal urges to go out and look and touch and air out the kids. It got easier though. As they days went on I wasn’t focused on it. I did a few crafty things around the house with supplies I already had. And to be honest, I have a few really sweet and generous friends.  One treated me to a lovely brunch and coffee and another to coffee and a little treat at a junk shop.  That was lovely, I cannot lie.  Mike has brought flowers home for me each week, so far. I always have fresh flowers in the house and he knows I love them so he’s getting them for me. Total wash in terms of money but he is sweet.

I did get a few random things this past weekend, lightbulbs for our christmas window candles, some ornament hooks and a pack of command strips, all for decorating this weekend. But that’s it. I didn’t buy a thing this month, save for that accidental $4.55 latte the first of the month.  Life outside of my personal spending went on as normal. I hosted a brunch at home and Mike and I had a date this past weekend so that really helps, too. The rules don’t apply to that type of thing, just to random spending and unnecessary junk.

November total – $4.55!

There were lots of things I wanted, trust me. But as time went on and I was home and away from the allure of the bright store lights I realized that I didn’t need any of it and a few of the items would have been a full on waste of money (looking at YOU dollar spot!) so, I feel good. But I’m also making a Christmas list and  we are planning our anniversary trip for next year and this was just the first month. But one down is one down!

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