I’m not in labor: A Birth Story

I’ve heard it said that no pregnancy is alike, not even for the same woman. I’ll be honest with you, I thought it was a load of bunk.  I mean come on, are you telling me that Michelle Duggar has had 18 completely separate experiences? I just doubted it. I was wrong, of course. So I will join the masses and tell you that my two pregnancies were not at all similar.  In fact the only thing they had in common were in the way they were made. This wasnt enough to ready me for how different my deliveries would be. And boy howdy were they.

It was a regular Thursday just puttering around the house doing chores and working on my to-do list, nothing interesting at all.  At some point in the late afternoon I noticed a fair amount of mucus streaks, no plug or chunks, just yuck.  I move along hardly taking notice. A few hours later I was feeling wet so I changed my undies and again, moved on.  I had done a lot that day and chalked it up to just that.  A little later I needed to change again and add a liner, and then a pad. I started to notice, wondering if this was too much. I tell Mike before bed that I’m on my 3rd pair of underwear in a few short hours.  He gives me the husband look of why exactly do I need to know this.

It’s 6am Friday morning and the cat’s belly alarm starts sounding as he meows for his morning meal. I waddle down the hall and feel a little gush, still? I think out loud. Gross, I don’t like this.  I sit to use the bathroom and see blood.  Crap!  It’s not that much, it’s more like “bloody show”.  I shake it off.  No way in hell, I just did too much yesterday. I go back to bed, the dr will be open at 8, I will call then.

I join Mike and Nate in the kitchen with the phone and tell him why I’m calling, he’s not phased and neither am I.  Blah, blah,blah- go to L&D, see if your water has broken and make sure you’re not having contractions. “It hasn’t! I’m sure of it and I’m not-this is my 2nd- I would know if this were real.”  –”I know but we have to take care of you and we can’t do that if you don’t come in so lets just be sure.”  Okay, I groan and I call the sitter. 

I take a quick shower and again meet the boys downstairs.  “Where’s your bag?” “Bag? I’m not bringing a bag, I’m not in labor.” I toss my camera in my purse, I know my denial runs deep in serious situations, I can live without the contents of my bag but I cannot get a re-do on a birth, so the camera comes with. I kiss Mike and Nate goodbye and head to the hospital with my eyes rolling the whole way. Thoughts of bed rest and 5 weeks of My Mother send shivers down my spine. 

Mike goes to the office and I drive myself to L&D which is just across the street from Mike’s work, I promise to call if something is up or stop by before I head home.  Sure I will be stopping by, I’m not in labor.  I would know. I check in and lay down, man, it is hot in here. I’m sweating, I look at the thermostat, it’s 83 in there. I’m not nervous, it’s hot I say to myself. I immediately start to worry, as if in that moment the gravity of the situation hit me for the first time. 35 weeks 1 day, that is early, too early.  Are his lungs ready, my mind starts going a mile a minute.

A resident comes in who looks 10 years younger than myself and explains what I’m in for. Easy stuff, a pelvic to do a culture to check for a bag rupture and an hour on the strip (contraction and baby heart rate monitoring.)  I am to stay put and hahah, relax. “Can you turn the air on, please?”  She can’t, she promises me it will make it hotter. I’m so glad I’m wearing 3 shirts today. I completely ignore the fact that I’m forcing down the nervousness and that is why I am sweating. Whatever, this is no big deal this is not your birthday I tell my belly while rubbing what I think is his foot.

The resident comes back in with the student and a bag of tricks and we talk a little more about what they will do and look for, the fluid should fern when they look at it on a slide if it does my water has broken, if it doesn’t then I’m just having a gross pregnancy symptom.  The exam is just beginning when the residents head pops up and says “Oh, its pooling your water is broken.”
“MY WHAT HAS WHAT?”  She smiles and says hang on this will only take a minute and I’ll leave the door open, you will be able to see me at the microscope from here. “OKAY!” (yes, I was yelling, I was freaking out.) 

I’m sitting half up not caring about my business hanging out with the door open when she turns and looks at me. “False alarm” she said and I took what must have been my first breath in three minutes. My next thought was I wanted to kick her where she’d just checked me for freaking me the (^&8 out. You really shouldnt say that you know?

She comes back in the room and decides to check me, you know,for fun. “Awesome.”  I say sarcastically as I flop back on the bed.  2 centimeters 70% effaced. “WHAT THE WHAT?”  (I really am this eloquent) Again she smiles,”yes, there’s some progress there.”  “BUT I DONT WANT PROGRESS THIS BABY IS NOT DUE FOR 5 WEEKS!”  I go on to tell her the last time I heard these numbers I had a baby in my arms 48 hours later.  She’s not fazed, I am not amused. She calls my OB and they release me. No restrictions, no pelvic rest, no bed rest they don’t even give me a freebie and say not to run the vacuum. Just make sure not to miss my next appointment.

I leave feeling intense relief but also in a bit of a huff.  How can I be progressing with 5 weeks to go and have it be okay to just go about my daily life.  Don’t they know how crazy I am? I will till a garden pregnant, not that I would tell them but still. I’m not smart, you have to tell me not to do things.  I get annoyed, I’m pregnant not handicapped.  Anyway, I head over to tell Mike we are good and the relief on his face is obvious and then I really let myself relax.  It was over.  I head to the grocery store on the way home to get us what we need to get through the weekend.  They didn’t tell me to take it easy but I decided to for a few days, just to be safe. I can put my crazy aside for the health of Olive.

I make it back and send the sitter home and Nate and I have lunch and take a nap.  Later we are having a snack and he’s monkeying around and I’m on the phone with my sister when I complain to her about the cramps I’m having and I forgot how uncomfortable it is to be checked. “Christina, you were checked a good 6 hours ago, you shouldnt be cramping anymore.” “Well I am so……” We go on talking, yeah yeah I’m still “leaking” blah blah- she’s really annoying me, can’t we change the subject?  Then I have to ask her to hold on while I have another “cramp”…”CHRISTINA!!  Those are not cramps, they are contractions.” “Would you shut up, they are not.”  Then she gets all high and mighty on my (contracting) ass- she’s had three kids she reminds me, and I swear she was talking but all I heard was Charlie Brown’s teacher because SHUT UP this “cramp” hurts.  She lectures me a while longer because she knows me and my level of real situation denial and keeps on until I hear her.  I agree to track the “cramps” for an hour but only because my discharge papers say to call the Dr. if this happens. She wants me to promise to call the Dr which I will not do, I only tell her that Mike will be home when the hour is up, if they continue we will talk about it.

Little Shit, she calls me 30 minutes later and wants me to read her my list!  Apparently she has done this a few times and is totally on to me.  It was real and seeing this list of contractions 6 to 4 minutes apart was sinking in.  More Charlie Brown speak and we hang up.

Mike comes in the room and takes one look at my face and asks what was going on.  I tell him I’m calling the Dr. and that I’m expecting them to tell me to go back to the hospital. They do and again I’m totally annoyed. I just need a shot so they stop, I’m sure they will just give me a shot.

because I am an idiot I don’t pack a bag or take one of my 3 shirts off and and we bring Nate because I’m just going to come home in a bit anyway.

All the way there Mike and I talk about how this isn’t real, it’s nothing like with Nate.  I have no clue what this is but we agree, not the real thing.

By the time we are to the hospital 15 minutes away I start to get a little scared. I really don’t understand what is going on with my body. I don’t know why this is happening or what is happening even.  I do know that the contractions are getting stronger and I small gushes of fluid with each one.

We make it up to the 6th floor and I see a couple a little younger than Mike and I at the intake counter. He has a large backpack over his shoulder and his wife is seated next to him, he leans down and rubs her lower back and is breathing with her. I start to choke up, they are going to meet their baby soon, what an amazing day for them.  The receptionist takes them back and on her way tells me she will be with me in a minute and to hang in there.  Hang in there? Why,I’m fine. I don’t need to hang,,pfftttttt.

I don’t know where she came from but I lift my head and open my eyes after a contraction and she is standing in front of me.  “Having a baby today?” “NO!” I snap at her. “I just need a SHOT!”  She smiles ( I swear these people are trained to smile at the crazy people) and gets me checked in and puts on a bracelet that I will wear when I deliver my son.

I get to the triage room and know the drill so I pee in the cup and put on the gown, leaving all 3 shirts on and the nurse straps me in and I wait for the Dr.  And wait. And wait. And wait.  While waiting Mike and Nate go to get dinner and I open my eyes only to check the godforsaken thermostat because it is Africa hot up in here and to look at the clock when a contraction starts. They are 4 minutes apart.  I’m in the room alone for well over an hour and am doing well, I remember what they told me when I was laboring with Nate.  Let my uterus do the work and relax the rest of my body, I do it, I breathe through them and concentrate.  If you ask me I’m totally kicking false labor ass; too bad it isn’t real, I just may go natural.

The Dr finally comes in after 2.5 hours and is a bit abrasive and I don’t care much for her. “So, what, your water broke or something?”  “I don’t know, I was here at 9 this morning (its 9pm now) and they said it hadn’t but I’m still leaking and now I’m having contractions every 4 minutes.”  She checks the strip to confirm and then checks me with the worlds largest speculum as if I’ve already had the baby and that mo’fo will fit. I tense up and she tells me to relax, I love that. “There’s no pooling, I doubt is broken. I’ll go look at the slide if its broken I’ll be back if it’s not sit tight I’ll send the nurse in to discharge you.” Oh, there are so many things wrong with this I think, there’s no pooling? This morning there was pooling, where’s mah pool? Wait, do I even want a pool?  Is a pool bad? You can only come back IF it broke? You can’t come in and tell me yourself I just have to camp out longer?  Discharge me? Not without my shot, I need a shot.

Mike and Nate come in and Mike is over this.  Nate is begging to go home he is so tired but I tell him I know nothing and am still waiting when the Dr comes back in.  “Your water is broke.”  She tells me and I’m more annoyed by her grammar than by the news she just delivered.  “Wait, what?- No it’s not,it wasnt broken this morning.”  “It probably was they just  missed it.”  “HOW DO YOU MISS IT?”  I yell in my head. 

Then? Then I get frantic.  I’m telling Mike what to do, what I need what to do.  We have no idea what to do with Nate, clearly he cannot stay for this.  This, dude, this, this is a baby coming. I beg him to hurry, that I can’t do this without him and that I will kill him if he misses it. KILL. He kisses me goodbye and I give Nate the biggest hug of his life and tell him I will see him tomorrow and he can meet his brother then.  “Okay, Mommy, be safe!”  I cry, my god I love that kid.

I’m in the twilight zone, I must be.  I’m lying in a hospital bed that is being wheeled down the hall, I’m alone, I’m evidently in labor but it’s not time and where is my husband. This is just not right.  I am really uncomfortable.

The nurse pushes me into my room and it is identical to the space where I delivered Nate and I have a deja vu moment and am suddenly calm.  My delivery nurse asks me the intake questions and tells me I need a 4 hour dose of antibiotics since I didn’t have a strep B test (which is done later in pregnancy) so they will treat me as if I am a carrier and that ideally it will be complete before the baby is here (I do the math no way in hell will this take that long) and we get to talking about the baby, what I am facing and what it means to have a baby pre-term.  She tells me most things are unknown until he is here but there will be a team of pediatricians in  the room for delivery and best case he goes to the NICU for a few hours and they send him back down.  Okay, okay.  And in that moment I truly let go and let god. I don’t do that in real life, I worry and fret and make lists to do everything I can to control a situation but not this time.  This baby was either ready or he wasnt but there was nothing I could do to help now, I may as well sit back and feel these contractions because this is the last time I will ever be lucky enough to experience this. 

About feeling these contractions; I was in hell. H.E. double hockey sticks. Hell. This hurts I kept saying and my nurse, again with the damn smiles.  “I know, I have 3.”  “I clearly have labor amnesia!”  “There is no way it hurt this bad with Nate.” (yes it did)  My goal was to make it without the epidural untill Mike got back.  I really wanted to wait for him and I wanted to get to a solid 5, I was at 5 with Nate, I could do 5 with Ben.  They check me after the intake and I’m a 2, well that’s rich considering I was a 3 in  triage.  “She must have thin fingers.”  she tells me. Great.  I’m at a 2 and this hurts and my tail bone is killing, where is Mike?  I tell my nurse I want to wait and wa talk about getting the epi too soon and she says that’s not an issue if I am good at communicating with my anesthesiologist.  If I don’t use the button I will be able to monitor how well it’s working and as labor progresses and I feel more he can adjust the dosing and we can keep that up all the way through to the end.  I like this, this sounds good.  Now all I have to do is wait for Mike.

I press the nurse call button. “I’m ready for my epidural.”    I can’t wait to not feel my tailbone not to mention the contractions.

My nurse comes back to be with me for it and Mike finally makes it back around 11:20 and I am so exhausted.  I’ve been having contractions since 4 and alone the whole time. Keeping my own head on straight is a lot of work.  He asks me how I’m doing and all I can do is shake my head “No” he holds my hand quietly. He’s scared but wont say so until later. The tall drink of water comes in pushing a cart that I swear to me looked like an island with a lounge chair, an umbrella drink and he was my cabana boy.  “Bring it!”  I told him.

My contractions are 3 minutes apart and he tells me this will take about 10 minutes and I will need to stay still. I assure him I can and in the same breath ask for a bucket.  Deja vu #2 I start throwing up exactly as I had with Nate’s delivery.  To be sure and make a liar out of myself I cannot stay still, I am moving all of the pain through my feet and can’t keep them still, I’m puking my guts out and having contractions.  To make matters worse he wants me to push my spine toward him but I can’t do that either, I can’t do anything he wants.  All I can do is shake and puke.  He is annoyed. I needed to lean on Mike like I did last time but this Dr was so tall that the bed was too high for Mike to help.  Mike could help hold me still and keep me in the right position, I needed help. No help was to be had. He tells me to arch out and take a deep breath I do and then PAIN- I pull away. At that point he asks why I am wearing all of these shirts (to minimize the back fat and muffin top, Doc.) and asks the nurse to help him remove them, they are in his way. I tell them it’s because I wasnt in labor, I just needed a shot and I’d be fine.  They both laugh.  He watches the contraction monitor, when it goes down he tries again and I pull away. This happened 4 times him putting the tube in and then pulling it out. I almost say forget it and go natural,this is so insanely horrible I don’t think I want it anymore.  But then my head cleared,”I’m ready.” I tell him and he believed me. I screamed, I cried, I threw up again and had another contraction but I never moved. When it was over I saw the blood bath behind me. Nice work, jackass.

Five minutes later I am in love with Mr. Epidural.  My feet are all warm and tingly and ohhhh, its moving up to my legs and then I am good to go. Warm and relaxed.  My head clears a bit and the nausea subsides. The dr comes back for a check and I’m at 2.5. FOR REAL? 

Mike and I are alone in the room and we talk about how different this is. Nate was so text-book and even tempo and this is just slow and strange and it’s like the first time all over again. We don’t know what to expect or when it will end, it’s all new and neither of us are comfortable with that.

The Dr comes in and flicks on the lights, it’s been awhile since I got the epidural so she checks me. I’m at 3. Good Ness this is taking 4-evr.  She says she’s going to check in with my dr and be back in a few.  When she returns she says that she wants to start the Pit. I shake my head and tell her I don’t like that idea, I tell her that I stalled out after my epi with Nate but things regulated on their own.  It wasnt up to me, we started the pit.

I can’t hear the heart rate monitor so when the Dr rushes back in I don’t know why.  It’s not working well enough, she needs better readings and wants to use the scalp electrode. “Damnit! I don’t want it but if you think I need it than okay.”  She, the Dr who I didn’t like much in triage put her hand on my shoulder and made a promise, “I won’t do anything that it’s completely necessary for you or the baby.”  “Okay, do it.”  She nodded her head and got to work, “I’m going to check you again while I’m here.” “SEVEN!- WHOA, someone call her OB.”  Once it was in place it was as she feared and I ended up on oxygen and my right side. Deja vu I’m thinking it’s very odd that this is sharing things with Nate’s delivery and yet so very different.  Little did I know that these similarities would end here. 

The crew arrives and is hurrying to get the room ready while I lie comfortably on my side sort of ignoring the commotion. And then it felt like a freight train was hurtling downward and I started yelling and asking what was going on.  My epidural was perfect until now, I could move both of my legs well and feel the contractions but not the pain. Now? Now it was all pain and a shit ton of it, and pressure like I couldn’t have imagined. It was instant, I had to push right now. I’m pushing and I cannot stop. I hold my breath but my body is its own force and I cannot connect with it. 

“Don’t push whatever you do don’t push!”  “WHY? WHY? TELL ME WHAT WILL HAPPEN IF I PUSH BECAUSE I”M SO TOTALLY PUSHING!”  No one answered me and I swear I couldn’t stop. Another Dr comes in and waves hello and starts to introduce her self and I yell “OMG I don’t care, get this fucking baby out of me!” She keeps going and me with the mouth “OMG you, I point, YOU with the talking stop talking!” She was apparently trying to help me breath and to not push because that was when Mike got 3 inches from my face and started breathing the way I was supposed to so I copied him. I worked a little but not enough. They are breaking the bed down and finally taking me seriously, this kid is a comin’- make way! Then they say okay, you can push. “NOW?” I beg “Now.”

I was at the top of the bed all balled up and in a terrible position.  I needed to scoot down but I couldn’t move all I could do was push.  No one was helping, no one was counting I wanted the count. My head was screaming count to 10 for me, my eyes were begging and no one could see me.  There was no waiting for a contraction to start there was just pushing and primal screams while I tried with all of my remaining mite to get this being out of my body.  I needed him out but I needed to move and I needed to count and I needed to move but I couldn’t speak so I just kept pushing, and pushing and screaming oh my the screaming.  And then it was over.  Only it wasnt.

They held him up so I could see him for half a second and he was blue, the room was silent and suddenly I was alone on my side of the room and all of the attention was on Benjamin. My son who I wasn’t holding.  I was asking the questions but no one would answer me all I had to gauge on was Mike’s face and it wasnt good.  His arms were crossed and his body was rigid, he was biting his lip and shaking his head. “Is he breathing? He’s not breathing is he? Michael, tell me dammit he isn’t breathing is he.”  “He looked at me with eyes full of tears and shook his head no.”  Lucky I couldn’t think, I just layed there while the Dr who I didn’t like and then I did wiped my lady parts with coarse sand paper to look for tearing, if there wasnt any there sure as hell was now.  I just lie there staring at the ceiling waiting for something to happen unaware of anything outside of the sandpaper.

I started talking to keep myself from processing the reality on the other side of the room. I apologized profusely to the woman I told to shut up and swore at (she promised it wasnt the first time that’s happened) and then we all laughed about my “lifetime” delivery and the screaming and the horror that splatter those in the second row when the placenta came out that was apparently acting as some sort of cork. And my actual OB arrived and she ribbed me for speeding and missing my delivery.  All the while I was shaking uncontrollably with nerves.

Finally I heard a little peep.  The tiniest noise of a newborn baby I almost missed it and I took a deep breath inside my oxygen mask. A few minutes later Mike waked back over to me holding our son all buttoned up with the slimy eyes and the hospital issue hat and put him in my arms. It was then all of the fear, the emotion and the love came spilling from my body and I cried so hard I lost my breath. I only had him for a minute before they took him away again, he needed to go to the nursery and I wouldn’t see him again for 5 hours.

The nursery, not the NICU. The nursery. These were beautiful words. He was over 5 lbs which was our first of many hurdles we would face with a premie in the following days but he was big enough he didn’t need the NICU. That was a start.

I was taken to my room in my wheelchair alone, I was supposed to have my baby in my lap for this trip. I felt myself well up again.  The nurse took me to the window so I could see him he was lying naked under the heat lamp all spread out as if he were sunbathing.  She promised me he was doing well in the hour or more since they’d taken him. I would later learn she was lying, bless her. He needed oxygen a few times, he wasnt able to maintain his temperature himself and his blood sugar was low.  When he was breathing it was so labored he squeaked.His nerve endings were (are) underdeveloped so he would quake randomly, his feet and hands were a deep purple and his apgar score was a 2. He didn’t know how to eat and we had dump formula down his little tiny throat until he had 3 good sugar readings. It was a rocky 24 hours but he improved rapidly. Eventually we got his sugar to stay up and his squeaky breathing improved. And sometime around 3 in the afternoon when my Mom had arrived and Mike was back with Nate I realized we were all going to be okay. All of us and that I may not have been ready but here we were. Our dream of our family had its own plan but in the end we got what we always wanted. Our party of 4.

Mind the Gap

As you well know I’ve been really spotty with my posting for months. No one hates this more than I do, trust me.  Now that Ben is here and most of my major projects are complete I hope to be here more often.  For a bit I missed it here, then I didn’t and now I do again.  So, here are some of our happenings while I was slacking off in blogland.

• I feel totally cheated out of pregnancy. Granted, I was miserable with the heat and my broken tailbone and was a joy to be around.  Ben is my last baby and while I was uncomfortable I wasnt emotionally ready to let him go. I still enjoyed every second of our evening routine of watch the baby kick stuff off my belly. I mostly love pregnancy, I really feel like I missed out.  I mean, he’s not even due until Thursday and yet he is one month old today. It makes me a little sad, though, not sad enough to do it again.
• Ben was born on the 12th; on the 16th Bruno died making that week the most emotional of my life. Ben’s arrival was stressful to say the least and to come home from the hospital and loose our first baby was horrible.  It happened so fast.  Mike took him out and he got sick. When they got back inside Mike went to clean off his rear end and instantly noticed he felt cold. His tongue, gums and eyes had lost all color and were grey.  He took him to the vet immediately and he died within minutes of arriving. (it’s about a 3 minute drive) His stomach twisted and took his heart and lungs with it. Nothing could be done to save him. We were and are devastated. Bruno was our baby, Nate’s buddy. He was 10 years old and I miss him everyday. So does Nate. “Mama, where’s Kokes?” “Nate, you know where he is.”  “Still up in the sky, Mama?” ”Yes, baby.” “He’s happy there playing with his friends.”  Cue tears.
• I “only” gained 40 lbs with Ben compared to the 52 with Nate though I’m not an idiot, had I made it to term that would have added a good 5+ lbs.  I’ve dropped 22 in 4 weeks which is good but I’m really annoyed with what is left. I’m not allowed to workout for a while yet because of my tailbone but am allowed to walk. I have a goal date of October 16th-my friends wedding. I will be in my pre baby size by then. Prepare for stories of success followed by brownie laden falls from the proverbial wagon.
• I recently introduced Nate to stamps and he loves them.  We have a set of transportation ones, trains, bulldozers, helicopters and the like with ink, this will keep him busy for a good 20 minutes, unless I have to use the bathroom, god forbid I go without a guest.
• I went through a quarter-life-chrisis last weekend and got a new hair do- it’s fantastic.  I went to my girl and asked her to take the Mom out of my do- and boy did she.  I have full bangs and  cut with a ton of layers, totally different from anything I’ve had before. I love it.
• Our next set of visitors to meet  Ben are arriving week after next; my new due date for my “before Ben” list. Little stinker, I had a lot to accomplish in those 5 weeks. Much is done but I have a few fun projects left which I can’t wait to do.  If I can get more than a few hours of sleep per night I may just get them done.
• Nate’s still not potty trained. This is driving me crazy. I’ve backed off (again) but I really hope he is ready soon. 2 in diapers is as fun as it sounds.

I’m sure there is much more but this is what I can remember at the moment.

An Early Bird

I am the mother of very impatient boys! Nate took an early leave at 38 weeks 3 days.  Ben? Ben broke out at 35 weeks and 2 days.

Benjamin Ryne June 12 2:38 am 5 lbs 12 oz 18.5 inches

 

 

We are all doing amazingly well and I am so happy to be home with my family.

I will write the birth story soon,it’s a doozy!

A little peek

We had one hell of a productive weekend!  My to-do lists are suddenly manageable and I’m calmer now that I can see some progress.

The guest room is empty and the closet has just the baby’s belongings and some of my room supplies.  The closet is painted and tomorrow I will put the second coat up in the rest of the room. Our room has a new bed (old- the guest room bed) and all of the excess no longer needed furniture has either been moved into storage for other uses or is ready to be hauled away.  Nate’s furniture and mattress are in the den and his closet houses all of his new linens. It is all finally happening.

Next weekend we will do Nate’s room. I can’t wait but I’m also a bit worried about him in the new bed. Will he get up a trillion times or just go to sleep? Yeah, I’m not so sure I’m ready, his nap time is how I keep the house clean and hang on to my sanity. We’ll see.

Anyway, since it’s a little slow going I wont be able to share completed rooms for a while so today I offer you this.  Yesterday Carrie and I covered two plain beige lamp shades.  This is just one of the fabrics that will be in the bedding.  It was a little time-consuming and I was a total chicken, thankfully Carrie made me do a lot of the work so I know what I’m doing the next time.  But, it wasn’t hard.  I think I hate plain lamp shades now.  I mean look at what you can do in a couple of hours? You can get a little peek at the wall color too. I’m so excited for this nursery; I swear I’d do this for a living if I could.

Overwhelmed

I knew this would work out this way.  I’ve been planning the boys rooms for months now; drawing up plans, making lists, shopping and diy’ing my little heart out.  I knew though that no matter how much I thought I’d gotten done that this part would come.  The part where there are 10 weeks to go and I have 7 separate to-do lists working at the same time.   A few are not a big deal, stuff we are paying other people to do like clean our carpet, etc.  The rest, like say 6 of them are.  There is a load of stuff I want to do and can’t wait for like sewing projects and getting the art that’s been in the bottom of the baby’s closet for months up on the walls.  There’s a load more that I’d like to just take a really long nap and have someone wake me when it’s over.

Having one new person come live here has put our whole top floor in chaos. Nate’s room is growing up, his furniture is expected in next week.  Of course that’s just the beginning, god forbid I just switch out his crib.  I’ve chosen a bed and a dresser for him that work but aren’t perfect, nothing was so I went with good bones and am revamping it some.  Not a ton, just all new knobs and re-doing the top of the dresser. I’m insane, who buys brand new furniture with plans to paint it? Me. My poor husband.  I also have a little sewing, some lamp magic and then I have to get his new space redesigned (drawn out but the art placement isn’t 100% yet)- he needs sheets and a mattress pad, too.  Then is his closet, I need to organize it again and get his winter stuff packed up completely, right now there are a heap of sweaters on the floor waiting for me to put away.  But when this is done, oh, I will be so happy!  I know it will be worth it and I will love his new room.  I just wish someone would help Mike move the nursery furniture out so I don’t have to.

The baby’s room is still a guest room.  The closet has everything in it I need to move forward though.  The only thing I don’t have is the crib bedding which we’re having custom-made and the drape fabric (I’m sewing) that the seamstress has ordered for me.  Other than those things I have everything I need to do his space.  But, the guest bed has to come down and the headboard is going into our room.  We have to move the armoire to the basement. That god forsaken 32 inch broken TV is still in there (the one Mike promised me he would take care of before Nate was born!) I have to paint, sew, decorate and get Nate’s new-born clothes sorted through and stock the dresser and closet, taking inventory of what’s missing between the hand me downs and what I’ve been grabbing here and there.  I also have a list of needs, diapers, no dye laundry soap, nursing supplies, the stuff that’s necessary but not exciting to shop for. I’ve given myself permission to save that for after the room is finished.

Lastly, our room.  I mentioned that we are taking the headboard from the guest room; I’m hoping to get our room and bath its makeover in time, too.  Painting both rooms, new night tables, sewing curtains and later in the summer or early fall, dressers.  I’m excited to have our room done after all of these years of talking and doing nothing.  It wont be my original vision but the rate we are going we could end up using these broken dressers and tv trays for 10 more years before we get off our ass’ and do something about it.

I know this all sounds so insane I know it is and this isn’t even covering the deep clean list I have that includes needing to borrow a ladder (which MIKE will be using, not me) to dust the 2nd story cobwebs.  Or the fact that I haven’t planted a single flower yet. I just know that once Olive has joined us life is going to come to a screeching halt and we will be home most of the time while we are sleep deprived and have visitors. I look forward to slowing down (HAHAHAH!) and being home but since I can foresee it I want the house to be closer to finished.  I know I wont be able or interested in taking on any projects for months after his arrival which makes me really want to get as much done now as I can. I need my home to feel good, and I know my personality too well; I can’t bring a kid into this place without a certain level of perfection knowing that it’s all going to be covered in breast milk and spit up in no time.

Is this normal nesting or do I have an illness?  Ha!  Don’t answer that.

It’s Friday I’m in love

It was supposed to be a great day, I had two friends coming over for lunch and to visit, the sun was shining and Nate was in a great mood. We were doing our normal morning thing, and then it happened.  I fell down the stairs. Like, for real, like OMG I can’t get up, like, um, is this what it feels like to break your tailbone for real.

I stayed on the landing for a bit rocking back and forth waiting for the pain to chill enough so I could get up but it didn’t so I had to get up eventually. It was bad, I fall a lot but this hurt in a different way.

About 20 minutes had passed and I was so wishing I could have my Mom come for the day to help with Nate and tell me that I’m overreacting when the phone rang. I swear, Mom’s have esp, don’t they?  “How did you know I need you?”  I asked “Oh honey, whats wrong?”  She convinced me to call the ob just to see what they say.  I agreed, reluctantly since Olive had been moving normally and I was sure he was fine. After all, what can an OB do for a busted ass? 

I stared at the phone for a few minutes trying to come up with a story I could tell to satisfy her when I decided to knock it off and call, I would be okay but I can’t risk the baby even if he is seemingly fine and my belly was not involved in the fall.

I hop in the shower, one of two things are going to happen.  My friends will show up and our day will be as planned or I will have to go to the Doctor, better to be shaved than sorry. Am I right?

The on call nurse calls and starts telling me what the deal is, I ask “well, wait don’t you want to hear what happened or how I’m feeling?”  “Nope, you can think your fine but we can’t take any chances.  What hospital do I call to tell them your coming?”  FTW? Hospital?

Damn it, damn it!

Mike’s not at work he’s off site, I have to track him down, call my mom, call Carrie and Beth and pack a bag for Nate.  Lucky I find a direct number for Mike and get the other calls out-of-the-way, assuring everyone that it’s just a precaution and hang tight, I’ll call when it’s over.

Oh, wait can Nate even come in with us? Last time we were there they had swine flu restrictions, no minors.  Dear God, please do not make me do this alone.  I was sure that Mike and Nate would be outside while I go through what ever they’ve got in store for me.  I start to freak out, but just a little.

We get to the hospital and Nate starts to cry. NO!  NO doctor, I wanna go to the Science Center and PLAY Mommy, Please, Please Pleassses!?  – My heart breaks, I try not to cry. I’d rather go to the science center to baby, I tell him.  He get’s over it, I don’t.

We approach the doors and meet up with Mike, the posted signs read don’t come in if your sick, am slightly relieved that my boys can accompany me.  I mean were checking for serious stuff here, detached placenta, decrease in fetal movement… gulp.

We arrive on the 6th floor and my stomach drops. I recognize the waiting room and the admittance desk, the long hallway lit with skylights along the L&D rooms.  Such a great and calming atmosphere, too bad I wasnt working.  I fill out my forms telling myself nothing is wrong, if anything I just broke myself, not my baby.  He is fine, take a deep breath.

I get into my gown which has the nursing flaps.  Not today baby, I say as I take off my clothes and pee into the cup, not today.  I get into bed and the nurse straps on two monitors, one for the heart rate the other for contractions. 

An hour goes by… then another.

Baby is moving like crazy, the heart rate is steady and the boys have decided to go for a walk.  A resident comes in and talks with me about how I’m feeling “In a lot of pain, can you help me with that?”   He tells me I can have 650 of Tylenol and an ice pack, I tell him thanks. (am lying) I later ask the OB who (FINALLY) comes to see me what we can do about my back, she too says Tylenol and ice.  I leave it be, I don’t want to ask for pain killers directly, I felt I was making myself clear.  Also, don’t you even want to check my back?  The resident goes one disk at a time asking me to tell him when it hurts, I do.  End of exam.

What? I think I broke my tail bone.  End of exam, really?

A little more time passes and they’ve spoken with my Doctor and they are pleased with the result of the stress tests, get dressed here’s your release forms and a bag full of ice packs to bring home with you.

It wasnt until last night when I was in bed alternating between ice and heat watching the baby perform circus acts that I finally relaxed a bit. He really was okay, I may not be (I wouldn’t know, thanks OSU) but all that matters is that my baby thriving.  I will be okay in time, he is all that matters.

I grabbed Mikes hand,” I fell in love with him today. I loved him before but today changed everything, today he is real.”  He squeezed my hand “I know babe, I know.”

Just different

This pregnancy started out so much like Nate’s with pure excitement and nausea.  Then I went into the stage where I couldn’t believe that it was real, that another person was going to be born (and from MY body, AGAIN) and then get to live with us.  That’s about it though.  The rest is just sort of different.

Different in a way that’s sort of old hat.  In a way that I’ve done it before.  I look in the mirror at my body and I look exactly the same, the way I am carrying, the veins the boobs resting on the belly, the poking half out naval, it’s just the same.   Oddly, the similarities make it different because I’m not experiencing it for the first time, there aren’t any real surprises, I know what to expect for the duration.  Hugly swollen feet and ankles, more weight gain and thicker and longer hair.

I think this time it’s a lot less about the pregnancy than it is about the baby.  I love being pregnant for the most part, I love feeling the baby roll and thump around.  I sure don’t mind the nice hair and nails and I love a good whopper with cheese because “this is my last pregnancy” but I’m not as consumed by it this time.  I don’t stop and hold my belly with every bump or walk around with a grin on my face.  I’m walking with more of a waddle and some days a limp because of my hip, this time around, I just want my baby.

I wanted to be pregnant with both babies, for sure.  It’s just that the first time when it’s all new it’s (oh I hate to say it) so much more exciting!  And let me tell you, there isn’t much excitement in knowing that the Charlie horses and peeing when you sneeze are right around the corner.  I want this baby just as much as I did Nate, but this time it’s a little more about the destination than the journey.

Pink or Blue?

Well, you all voted and it was a tie!  We had a few outside sources but still, it was a pretty even split.

I’ve said before that when I was expecting the first time I wanted a boy, so much so I was terrified of the baby actually being a girl.  Seriously, I would have been devastated, which I know, that sounds horrible but it what it is.

Growing up I had a great Mom; I was so enamored with her it was all I wanted to be when I grew up (that and a fashion model- oy vey!) I played Mommy with my dolls and then to my three younger sisters. I know what being a girl and what taking care of them is all about. And let me tell you, we, we are a handful! We are sassy and mean all wrapped up in pigtails and tights.  But oh, pigtails and tights! 

I worried about my daughter being me at my worst, which is, what they promise, you know. And man, I was a hard teenager. Can I do that? Can I deal with me? Will I have to take her phone out of her room and her door off the hinges? Can I find a balance and raise her to be strong and opinionated but not a bitch? Such a fine line. Will I drop dead when she emerges from her room with her freshly cut off jean shorts with virtually no inseem with the pockets hanging longer than the shorts? Oh, so much to think about with girls and we’ve not really even hit on the fact that they have a reproductive system.   All this aside, I am fully warmed up to the idea. I don’t know if I can do it but I’m not afraid any longer. I started picking up dresses almost longingly.

Boys, well boys just seem a little more simple.  Or maybe it’s that I just know too much about girls, yeah, that’s probably more like it. But still, boys don’t get my heart rate going the same way.  Not to mention, I have one and he is incredible and absolutely the main source of joy in my life.  No tights or pigtails needed.

So, here we are, number two dubbed Olive.  

We probed Nate along the ride.  “Baby Sister or Baby Brother?”  “Sistah!!” he answered a bit exhausted as if to say, “seriously, you’re still asking me this question?”  I explained to Mike that I felt like this was it,after this appointment he would no longer be my baby.  He’d instantly morph into a big brother as soon as Olive took on a real live identity.

Trucks and Dirt- Pigtails and Tights? 

This pregnancy has been harder.  I was much more sick, I took naps nearly every day and up to 3 hours each, my skin is worse than it’s ever been in my entire life. I ate a steak. You probably have to know me to understand the gravity of that last one.  “They” say every pregnancy is different but also that the baby’s sex changes each experience.  This weekend I noticed that I’m carrying a little higher than I did with Nate. 

I was nearly shaking waiting the 30 ridiculous minutes for the OB to come in and get things started.  “Are we “looking” or do you want to keep it a surprise?”  “LOOKING! LOOKING!”  “Okay, then, let’s see what we have here.”

Looks like the only tights I’ll have to worry about will be on my son’s dates. It’s a boy.

We are thrilled.  No tights or pigtails needed.

Let’s take a vote, shall we?

You guys, YOU GUYS!  I’m half way there. 20 weeks today, can I get a WHOOT WHOOT!  thanks.

Monday is the “big one” the show me what you’ve got ultrasound and I am going crazy waiting. 

I’ve always seen myself the mom of boys.  When I’d picture the future it’s just always been that way.  I did have a few girl dreams in the very beginning of this pregnancy but once I had the first peak at Olive at my first appointment that went away, I’ve since only had one baby dream and it was a boy.  Just one.  Odd to me since I had lots of headless boy baby dreams before I knew it was Nate, always a boy, never a face.  This time, nothing.  I have no intuition or feeling whatsoever. I awoke one morning and thought “it’s another boy, of course it is.”  But, honestly?  I have NO IDEA!  Nate is sure it’s a “sistah” and that’s about as strong as an opinion as we’ve got to date.  As long as I’m being honest, let me say I think I will be a touch sad either way. If it’s a girl I will be sad that Nate wont ever have a brother. If it’s a girl I’ll be a little sad I wont ever have a daughter. That being said, I just wanted another person to come live with us and which ever part he or she has is so damn welcome that at the end of the day it totally doesn’t matter.

So, tell me!  What do you think? I’ll share after we call our people Monday evening – can’t have the real life people reading it here first.

Little bits of Happy

It is so cold.  So very cold.  Even with the help of pregnancy insulating me a little I am freezing!  The earth is frozen sold or a sloppy mess, the sky is gray.  My mood is not.  For the first time in years I’m not suffering from SAD.

I’ve not disclosed that I’m still taking my meds; I am.  I know this is a calculated risk but one that both my OB and I chose that the benefit of my being well far outweighs the very slight risk this poses to the baby.  Judge if you will, but this is what’s right for me.  This is making me sort of neurotic over other things, I won’t take my Nexium, I’m most often not treating the headache I’ve suffered from for weeks on end.  I am trying not to add anything else to my system.  “Tell your D. about your headaches, I’m sure she can give you something!”  I am too, but I don’t want it.  I’m sticking with mental health over physical.  Right now, in spite of the pain, it is what’s right for me.

I’ve been finding so much joy in life.  In the day-to-day minutia.  I always knew that this was what I wanted; to be home with my kid(s) to teach, to cuddle, to cook for, to create with.  To raise.  I knew in my head that I should have been happier, I was so right.  This is exactly what I want at this stage of our life.  It’s exactly as it should be, as I’ve wanted, as my family deserves.

I’m getting increasingly impatient awaiting the upcoming ultrasound.  I just want to know!  I want to call the baby by name, I want to paint and buy fabric and sew blankets and curtains and get my nest on!   The day we learned Nate was Nate was the best day of my pregnancy, I can’t wait to have it again!  I know exactly what I am buying first, immediately after that appointment I have a stop to make. One tiny detail in the nursery,tiny in size, giant in meaning.

Every time I feel Olive move my mind is blown.  Despite the belly, the change in wardrobe, etc.  I am still shocked that this is real.  I still can’t wrap my head around it.  I’ve been shopping, there are new muslin swaddle blankets perfect for summertime, breastfeeding supplies, clothes we’ve received as gifts, new blankets and a pile of decor items and still, blown away! 

Blown away by the new life, there seems to be two of them growing within.  My own and that of a baby.