Bigger

It happens daily and right before my eyes. One of them does something new and catches my attention. One wakes up taller and thinner, the other says “I’d recommend having the marshmallows.” I’m caught off guard by every third move, a sideways glance that reveals my face, or Mikes or very often in Ben, my paternal grandfather.

It’s such a gift, being a mother. The ability to create these people and then be able to stay home with them and watch them grow.  Ben, who doesn’t speak much, understands everything we say and follows directions like he’s in boot camp. Nate with his scrunched up face yells, “FINE THEN, You figure it out.” Or tells stories about his life outside of home and on his own, finding his way at school and making friends.

They play together like they knew each other before they got here. How can you have such a bond in such a short time? Watching kids together they teach each other so much.  They teach me so much by watching and by letting them work out their problems.  Nate teaches Ben his dance moves and they hold hands in the car and kiss each other goodnight and trade sippys when Ben has milk but wants Nates juice.

Everyday, they get bigger and better at life and I realize that they are doing this in preparation of leaving me. And hot ham, as crazy as they made me today I’m not ready for them to be that big.

Changes

This week feels huge around here. School clothes shopping and pre-school orientation, first steps, weaning, and tomorrow Nate is having surgery.

Things are still a little roller-coastery, to be sure but for the most part I am just going with the flow.

Last week I cried the entire hour of my therapy session form complete exhaustion. Ben is 14.5 months old and I was still nursing him up to 3 times per night. I could not take it anymore. Like, officially, not like all of the other times I couldn’t take it anymore. We decided during that session that we had to get the baby weaned. That night I closed the door and didn’t answer his cries, same the next, the third night he slept and has since. As long as I answered him he wanted to eat, it was killing us both.  He was crabby from not getting enough sleep and I was barely hanging on. Last night I fed him for the last time. He bit me a few times and drove me crazy. After he fell asleep I cried for a few minutes and held him close. It was okay, it’s time to move on.

Tomorrow Nate is having a simple surgery on his belly button. He’s had a umbicial hernia since he was born that never corrected itself so they are going to sew the hole in his muscle and give him an innie. He is very upset about this, “I like my sticky-outty!” I do too. We both hate change. He will be okay, I think I will be too. Next week he starts pre-school. We are both super excited. He is so ready to be around other kids and learn things I never thought of. I just can’t wait for him, he will love it.

I’ve been struggling with stress eating, not being able to sleep (my body hasn’t totally adjusted to not being up half the night) and a lot of anxiety.  I plan on dropping Nate off at school and going straight to the gym. Getting there is so hard, getting everyone fed and dressed and out the door is a workout in itself. Since I will already be out of the house I am just going to go. I started the summer 7 lbs over my pre-pregnancy weight and managed to gain 5 over the course of the past few months so I have 12 lbs to lose. This makes me sad and angry. I’ve never lived “here” before. I don’t want to either. I had a goal to run 11 miles in November. The clock is ticking loudly. I ran last week and made it a whopping 2.3. LONG way to go.

 

2010 in review

1. What did you do in 2010 that you’ve never done before.

Went on a girl only vacation. Left Nate alone overnight. Traveled with a baby alone.

2.Did you keep your new year resolution and will you make more for next year?

Yes and sort of. My word for the year was nurture and I was to try to apply that to myself and to my family. This year was hard. Hard in every way a year can be when you spend the first 6 months of it pregnant and the second 6 months caring for a newborn. I might have been able to do better at times but we all made it out alive. I have another word for 2011 and a small list of things to work toward. I always will have. It’s not a new year without a new list.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?

My sister, Heidi and obvs me. Our kids are just 4 months apart which is the 296th reason we should not be living 2500 miles apart.

4. Did anyone close to you die?

Bruno, our english bulldog.  We lost him just 4 days after Ben was born and I’ve missed him everyday since.  Thankfully we didn’t lose any people but damn if that dog wasnt people to me.

5.What countries did you visit?

Phfttt- countries. Nada.  We plan on going to Canada this summer.  Next year (2012), I have big plans for next year. Mike and my 10th anniversary is in July, we’re shooting for an international cruise, either the mediterranean or South America.- I did make it to North Carolina, Chicago and Washington.

6. What would you like to have in 2011 that you didn’t have in 2010?

More.  More sleep, more exercise, more sanity,more balance, more space between my thighs.

 A babysitter that I can leave two kids with.

7. What dates of 2010 will be etched upon your memory, and why?

June 12th, when I shot a 5 lb premature  baby from my body.  June 16th- when B died.  June was one hell of a rollercoaster. October 21st- when I learned my best friend has cancer.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?

Treading water.  Learning that it is okay when I can’t get “it” all done in one day or even one week. To do my best and let the rest go.

9. What was your biggest failure?

I’m still fat. 15 lbs to go to my pre-baby weight. Damnit.

10. Did you suffer from injury or illness?

Yes, one fateful day in April I fell ass over tea kettle down the stairs at 25 weeks pregnant and landed in the hospital with a broken tailbone but an intact baby. (my tailbone is still broken! 3 Dr’s and no one can fix it.)

11.What was the best thing you bought?

My laptop- it was my birthday present but still. I’ve never had one before. Not being chained to a desk in the basement has honestly improved my life.

12.Whose behavior merited celebration?

My mom’s, she ran to be by my side when I went into labor. She was on a plane before I even had my epidural.  My sister was 6 weeks early so she knew better than I did what I was in for with Ben being 5 weeks premature she was in my room on the other side of the country as fast as she could run. That ment the world to me.

My sisters for taking care of my niece when she has 3 kids of her own because it’s what is best for the baby.

Mike’s, as always. For everything he does. Making dance-party mix’s of Nate’s favorite songs. For laughing when the baby craps all over him. For loving me. For working so hard to make our life what it is and still making time for us.

13. Whos behavior made you appalled or depressed?

This isn’t really blogging material. There is an answer to this, of course, but if I know anything it’s that even if the person you hate is trapped in a mine when they get out they WILL FIND YOUR BLOG. So, ehh, next question.

14. Where did most of your money go?

Hmm, mortgage, new furniture, a few trips, my 45 lb pregnancy weight gain and full hvac replacement.

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?

Seeing Nate meet Ben for the first time.  Decorating Ben’s room. Christmas. My adult bedroom. Going to the Oprah show.

16.What song will always remind you of 2010?

I’m still trying to come up with this answer…. There’s got to be one.

17.Compared to this time last year, are you: a) happier or sadder? b) thinner or fatter? c) richer or poorer?

a. both. I’m doing great but knowing that Ben is my last babe has me a bit sad and often. Packing up clothes to donate, making his food, waiting on his first teeth.It’s all a bunch of last firsts. While I’m in a good place with our family size there is something a little sad knowing that part of your life is coming to a close.

b. fatter 

c. richer 

18.What do you wish you’d done more of?

I wish I had more date’s with Mike. It’s been a pretty quiet year in the couple department. 

 19.What do you wish you’d done less of?

Eat. My word the eating. (It’s all the Pioneer Woman’s fault with the butter and the cream and the GOOD!) Bitch about my first world problems on FB or Twitter.

 20.  How did you spend Christmas?

At home with my boys. Christmas is hard for me. I always want to be two places at once which I guess is what happens when you’re far from your family.  I cooked huge meals, we danced and read christmas books and watched christmas movies and baked cookies for santa and just everything I could cram into 2 days that would entertain the tot we did. It was perfect. I can’t wait to do over and over and over again. 

21.Did you fall in love?

Oh boy, did I. Benjamin, my sweet boy who finally sleeps and has stopped screaming his fool head off has turned into a pretty mellow little guy. I cannot get enough of him. These kids, its like there’s not enough of me to wrap around them, I can’t hold them close enough or hard enough. Being a mom can be soul sucking to be sure but it can also fill me up like nothing else. The giggles and the I love you’s. It is so good. 

22.What was your favorite TV program?

Lost, even though I was unmoved by the finale.

 

23.  Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year?

Nope.  

24.  What was the best book you read?

I said last year that I wanted to read some classics, I didn’t. I did read more pink fluffy chick lit.

 I loved It sucked and then I cried (dooce) Heather Armstrong. And The Help. I read a few others but those are the only two that really stand out. Oh and I also liked YOU having a baby by Dr. Oz although I know a lot of people think he’s full of it. Whateve’s- I liked it.

 25.  What was your greatest musical discovery?

I have a few new fav’s- Frances and the Machine! Oh, man, I can’t get enough.Vampire Weekend,  Derby, The XX, The 88, Bombay Bicycle Club and Lady Gaga. I know, I know, but damn if that lady doesn’t get my booty shaking. 

26. What did you want and get?

 A baby.  A laptop. Bedroom furniture. Clean carpets.

27. What did you want and not get?

An uneventful, tear-free (as in rip, not cry) delivery. A calm, non-crying baby who sleeps well and can be put down. HA! A vacation with Mike, I knew that was a pipe dream but I wanted it.

 28. What was your favorite film of 2010?

Shit, you guys, the only movies I’ve seen in a theater in the last 12 months my kid was with me. 

 29. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?

It was very low-key. Ben was just a few weeks old. I turned 33, I think we just went to red robin for an early dinner and Mike let me take a nap.

 30. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?

Freaking cold medicine! For real, when will drug companies get the memo that pregnant and nursing women get sick and we need drugs!  Also, sleep. Related, caffeine or a baby who can tolerate my drinking of caffeine.

31. How would you describe your personal fashion concept of 2010?

Elastic!  good hair and shoes to try to distract from said elastic.

 32. What kept you sane?

2010- the year of complete insanity. 10 degrees of crazy, truly. I thank my meds, Starbucks, Style Lush and Twitter (were I spout off the most and am insanely supported!)

33. What political issue stirred you the most?

Hot Ham! If you know me even a little you know my answer is don’t ask don’t tell.  

34. Who did you miss?

Everyone- we had a load of visitors this year because of Ben which made the year better than others in this area. But still, as I say all the time I miss my village.  I also really miss my dog.

35. Who was the best new person you met?

No new people but I’ve gotten to know a few better, which is great. Having an actual circle of friends, like, enough to have a Christmas party with is a big deal for me.

36. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2010.

That the only life that I can change/fix/meddle in with any real success is my own. Don’t expect anyone’s idea of right and wrong to match my own and when they don’t, keep your damn mouth shut, get off the phone with an I love you and them move the eff on.

37. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year.

Your love is better than ice cream, better than anything else that I’ve tried. – Super old song but this year with all of its trials has been very, very sweet.

Babies Don’t Keep

I saw this today on another blog and it really resonated with me. It’s true and man, it hurts a little.

 

Ben is 6 months old already. Can you even believe that? I sure can’t. Nate is growing like a crazy little weed and man, it’s just flying.

I try to play trains with excitement and color and shape play doh and do the toddler games but it’s boring after a while and I’m so very-very tired. Oh, man, so tired it hurts but even so, I will never get today back. Ever. So I will play trains and walk laps around the train table until I drop if that’s what he wants because sadly,babies don’t keep.

When Ben is up in the middle of the night with teething pain and just wants me to hold him while he sucks on my shirt I will hold him close and smell him and relish in his weight and remember that this is fleeting.  And be glad and then so very sad because damnit, babies don’t keep.

I’ve got this, man.

It seems that we’ve passed a hump. Not the hump, I’m not new at this but a hump. The baby is sleeping. I am sleeping. I could end it with that and just start blogging again but that would be a super boring update. No?

I don’t know if it’s that he’s just getting older and has grown out of needing to eat all night (likely) or if it was the coffee and diet coke (also likely) but it’s better. Not better, it’s good.  He goes down around 7 and sleeps until 8, that’s am. 8 am! seriously. He went from eating every two hours to just not. He didn’t really wind down he just stopped. And it has been everything I ever dreamed it would be, or did dream, you know, before he was born. Back when I actually got to sleep.

This is not a small thing. I am such a better person, mom, wife, shit human being when I’m rested. I wake up in the morning and look at the clock and smile. Ahhh, another full night. I think its been going on long enough that we are done save for the regressions and growth spurts, which I can do, they wont last 5 months!

Life isn’t all roses, it’s still redonk how hard this is but at least I can deal without snapping and hating myself at the end of the day. Nate is not without his own brand of  soul sucking, either. He was a dream two year-old, a dream. My little sidekick who I wanted to be with all the time.  3 year-old Nate?  It’s like someone dropped him on his head. He is demanding and whiny and sometimes a little mean to both me and the baby. But not always, and when he is himself he is pure freaking sunshine. Like when he hears jingle bells at Target and stops and yells, “Check out my MOVES!” and starts to dance. But then in the same trip he decides to spit out an entire mouthful of juice and demand that he be taken home and have his shirt changed. To bad sucker, you’re wearing that shirt.

He is hard. He spits when he’s mad. Pretends he’s a dog all the time and barks and licks things, people. He intentionally pees himself when I put him in timeout.

He is easy. He says please and thank you and bless you and I love you and comes to us and asks for hugs. He eats well. He plays great with other kids. He loves to read. He plays independently which is so helpful.

I love him.  He is my favorite. He drives me freaking nuts.

Ben is getting a bit easier, too. He is content to swing for about 15 minutes at a time. He’s happy on a blanket with a few toys for a while. He’s able to be put down for longer periods. His naps are a little iffy. Last I wrote they were around 2o minutes to an hour. today he slept for three IN A ROW! Oh, it was lovely. He only poops every few days, those days are hard and fussy and sad. He’s cubby in all of those delicious baby chub places, he has Popeye forearms, rolls in his ankles and I have to moisturize his thigh rolls to prevent them from chafing. He’s becoming a really good baby. He cries when he wakes up but as soon as he sees me he smiles. He giggles and kicks his legs and just melts us all. He loves baths, his big brother, boobs and his blanket. He can’t take his eyes off Mike or the christmas lights. He is mellowing out. I already think he is me. I think I gave birth to my own personality. I’m a little afraid to find out but I also cant wait to.

I love him. He is my favorite. He makes me freaking nuts.

These boys are my life. The good, the bad, the ugly. But now that we are sleeping, I’ve got this.

Sometimes it just sucks

I had a day planned today that I was looking forward to. One I was sure Nate would enjoy,too. Bah.

It started at 5 am when I got up to get the babe who had woken up fussing despite the fact he’d just eaten at 3 so I brought him into bed with me to get a little more sleep. Nate started yelling about Jack and Diane not being on and Mommy come fix it. Jack and Diane is Renee and Jeremy and my stupid husband thinks it’s funny to teach him things wrong, I do not. Ahem. I ignore him because the kid knows how to turn on his cd player and its dark outside and he’s turned into such a demanding kid lately. Then his cries changed into his panic wail so I got up. Bloody nose. Really, really bloody. He runs into my room and hides while freaking out and I clam him down and get him cleaned up and into fresh clothes,tuck him into my bed next to Ben, turn on the TV and go start the laundry and make breakfast. It’s still dark out.

We have plans to go to the craft store and a quick stop at the grocery and then home for lunch, nap and then crafting. Except he didn’t nap because Ben was down and I thought we’d have some nice time just the two of us making our stuff and putting our spider webs up that he wanted. Boy was I wrong. He was in a craptastic mood.

I wanted it to be a good day- I made plans that I thought he’d enjoy and it sucked anyway. I got mad, he got mad. He hit me, he sat on his brother, he intentionally peed his pants when I put him in time out which resulted in him loosing his bike for the day which resulted in another meltdown and more hitting and oh,dear,gawd-it was only 4 pm why in the hell did I think skipping his nap was a good idea? 

It made me sad. I wanted to have a good day with my boy but damn if it didn’t work out. Maybe tomorrow. I can tell you one thing, there will be mandatory quite time. I don’t care if he sleeps but there will be quite time.

Stalled

I’m stuck. For a while I was keeping up with my projects and my ideas were flowing and all was right in my crazy little world and then it stopped. I have pillows I’ve started weeks ago and just dropped. The basement has a gorgeous pile of what will be a playroom for the boys full of unfinished projects. I have tons of supplies and none of the results.

I hate that.

My sister in-laws are coming next week and my book tells me I am to be done with 2 pillows in Nate’s room and 2 in Ben’s. I have some pictures that need adjusting in Nate’s room, I need to move out his desk and in his little chair and I seriously doubt it will get done. The desk out and the chair in, maybe. The pillows, HA! Not a chance in hell.

Sometimes I think there isn’t enough room in my head. I started on operation fat ass (OFA) about the same time I lost interest in all of my house projects. It’s as if I can’t walk and chew gum at the same time. I need to cram in a workout here and there, I can’t find time or room to sew too. It makes sense but I hate it. I hate that everything takes 10 times longer to finish with the baby but it does.

Mike and I were cleaning up after getting the kids down recently and I was whining about how I’d taken a shower and an hour and a half later was still wearing a towel because the baby woke up and needed to be fed and then Nate had to pee and the phone rang and I found myself making dinner IN A TOWEL and didn’t even realize it and eventually gave up and tossed on a pair of yoga pants and a t-shirt and put my wet hair in a pony tail. Life is long these days. Really long. (as are my sentences, apparently) It seems like even the simplest of tasks go unfinished.  Long live craft time and time for a blow out.

I know it is temporary, the craft fallout, the bad hair and yoga pants. I really feel that Ben has come leaps and bounds in the past few weeks and save for the regressions and teething we have beat the infancy stage. HOLLA!  But also weep, my baby is growing. My last baby. Thank god, but wait not so fast!

Next up, tighter abs, awesome throw pillows and nail polish.  I truly can’t wait.

Better

Hi.

I’m better now.  Everything is better now. Really. I can’t remember the last time Nate made eye contact with me and peed on the floor (shit,that was a blast!) Ben is doing well in his swing and is generally in better spirits. I am getting more sleep for now and yesterday I actually ran, took a shower, cooked dinner, washed laundry and got all of my maternity clothes packed away to donate all in the same day.  Better.

We’ve been insanely busy. I feel like since having the first and especially the second we pack our weekends with stuff to do. Mike’s never been a homebody like I am and with a rambunctious tot in the house we want to get him out, wear his ass out and put him down for a nap. That’s really exactly how it sounds, we like his naps, a lot, but we also love the process of wearing him out. The kid is a blast to play with. Our weekends are spent out going going and going and oh, my, word, it wears me out too and if there’s anything I love more than both of my kids napping simultaneously, it’s me joining in! Naps, they are delicious.

I’ve been on the wagon now for going on 3 weeks and so far I’ve lost 3 weeks. Okay, not really, I just think I’m funny. I’ve dropped some weight but not enough, of course. I bought a dress for my gf’s wedding and it’s a tad tight, okay, it doesn’t fit but hot damn it is cute. I’ve got 5 weeks. I just cant get the exercise in consistently.  I ran yesterday and today my tail bone is screaming for mercy and then there are days where I am lucky to brush my teeth much less shower so fitting in a workout is not happening. I am staying focused, I have too that damn dress doesn’t fit.

I’m going to the dr for my tail bone and am scheduling my time a little better from here on out to keep myself on the list. I hope it works cause I really do want to wear that dress…..

(I know this was a bunch of nothing but sometimes I need to do this to get back into the swing after a break- otherwise I wont know where to start and more time will pass- so sorry and thanks)

Who’s the trainee

It’s been2.5 weeks since Nate woke up and answered yes to a question I’d been asking him for months.

“How about we wear big-boy underwear today?” “OKAY!” and that was that. It was on.

I was so happy, so excited, so proud! Maybe he’d be trained by 3, oh this will be wonderful.

Wonderful my ass.  That first week was hard,y’all.  I decided to set the timer for 15 minutes until he got the hang of it.  It is not enjoyable to hear a timer every 15 minutes and try to nurse a baby who takes all the live long day to get it done. I was constantly upsetting his meals and as the days went on and I thought he could hold it I was cleaning up random puddles with an infant attached to me at the chest. Rad.

But he’s doing it, or we are I don’t know but he’s wearing underwear and wants out of his “sleepytime underwear” pull-ups the second he is up in the morning. “Diapers are for Baby Ben, I wear big-boy underwear!” 

I think I can say, or I hope anyway that it was the hardest week with two. Ben’s getting better about needing constant human contact now but in that first week I had to have him either in my arms or strapped to me. Let me say I didn’t loose as much weight as I deserved that week.  I don’t imagine training is ever easy but doing it in the week that your then 5 week old baby wont sleep or let you put him down to use the bathroom yourself is not the most ideal time try something that you have no idea how to do that also involves a tiny persons bladder, copious amounts of paper towels, a steam mop and this is the best part, tiny toddler sized boxer briefs.

But here we are the kid is potty trained.  He does great when we are out of the house, LOVES a urinal and even poops in public.

God help me, I got a hair cut so I don’t look as much like a mom but here I am blogging about poop. Oy! Whatever, I survived and now have just one kid in diapers. Go me.

Taking a break

The in-laws are here for a long weekend and we have lots of plans for fun and afternoon naps.  Yesterday we hit the Ohio State Fair and had a great time. Today a water park, tomorrow we head to Cincinnati. Nate is eating up his Grandparents attention and it is amazing to have to extra sets of hands to help with potty breaks and to hold Ben.