2 fast

I wasn’t ready. I was but not for the speed. We’d decided when to pull the goalie and I was absolutely ready for that part, but that part meant the beginning. I didn’t anticipate it would happen the first try.  When it did, it felt like whiplash, not car accident like, no, not that at all, maybe like rollercoaster type where you see the drop but you forgot to hold your neck steady because it came up so fast. A lovely sensation with a side of shock.

The pregnancy was fast, hard, then easy than fast again. The beginning I was just so sick, then it was wonderful for a bit, like some sort of dream where I ate all of the things and floated around on a happiness cloud. Then, the fall down the stairs, that’s when it got harder. I think for a while I was more “broken tailbone” than “pregnant” except at night, at night was the best part. When I’d lie in bed with my hands on my belly, it was our time. My favorite.

Then it ended as fast as it started. My water breaking too soon, 35 weeks. I just couldn’t admit, this wasn’t it.  When it was real, it was too much to process. I just let go, I had to. I couldn’t control what was happening to my body or with my baby, I just disconnected. I had to, to protect myself. I didn’t know if Ben would even survive, sounds dramatic but it happens. Viability isn’t a guarantee.

Suddenly, I had a baby. I wasn’t ready in any way, mentally, I felt robbed of the end. No one ever asked how much longer, I didn’t get those last few weeks of nesting done, I wasnt in that anxious anticipation phase yet. I was saddened. For me, it was something I mourned a little.

Then, his infancy, was hell.  Never sleeping, never being able to be out of my arms. It was hard. I was so in love but with him in this odd way where I couldn’t be close enough to him but didn’t want to touch him, either. It was all too much. From nothing to the most demanding period of my life. It all happened so fast.

Now it’s over. He’s toddling around and laughing and flashing me this smile that gives my soul goosebumps and puts tears in my eyes. He’s still a hellion, a force to behold, agility beyond his big brothers, he is a big, free spirit.  He is amazing. Free and happy and silently smart.

Today he’s 2 years old. 2. It’s all over, everything is already easier now. Lighter, more fun, more -more everything. As hard as it was. It was too fast. Just so heart breaking fast.

Happy Birthday, Benny. You, my love, are the biggest surprise yet.

Bigger

It happens daily and right before my eyes. One of them does something new and catches my attention. One wakes up taller and thinner, the other says “I’d recommend having the marshmallows.” I’m caught off guard by every third move, a sideways glance that reveals my face, or Mikes or very often in Ben, my paternal grandfather.

It’s such a gift, being a mother. The ability to create these people and then be able to stay home with them and watch them grow.  Ben, who doesn’t speak much, understands everything we say and follows directions like he’s in boot camp. Nate with his scrunched up face yells, “FINE THEN, You figure it out.” Or tells stories about his life outside of home and on his own, finding his way at school and making friends.

They play together like they knew each other before they got here. How can you have such a bond in such a short time? Watching kids together they teach each other so much.  They teach me so much by watching and by letting them work out their problems.  Nate teaches Ben his dance moves and they hold hands in the car and kiss each other goodnight and trade sippys when Ben has milk but wants Nates juice.

Everyday, they get bigger and better at life and I realize that they are doing this in preparation of leaving me. And hot ham, as crazy as they made me today I’m not ready for them to be that big.

I hope they know

I start to stir, the light is a dark pink as the sunrises through the curtains. One is standing next to me whispering “Mommy? Mommy….you wake? Mommy, I’m here, scoot over.”  I do. Of course. I feel the warmth of his body as he moves closer to mine, I smell his hair fresh from last nights bath. I breate it in deeply the scent calms me as I snuggle him close, eyes still closed. His skin is so soft I remember when he was a baby and I’d stroke his cheek as he’d fall asleep back when he fit in my lap but smelled the same.

About thirty minutes later the little one starts making noises from down the hall. I stay in bed listening, holding the big one but enjoying them both. He gets a little louder so I shake Nate a little, “Your brother is up, are you ready for the day?” We get up and walk to Ben’s room. They chat in their own secret code and I am an outsider. I lift Ben and hold him so close I can feel his heart beating, so warm and snuggly, first thing. He too smells fresh from his bath and I again breathe him in as fully as I can. A quick diaper change and he and Nate are off. No longer needing me, they have each other now.

The days aren’t always smooth and easy, some days are but occasionally I’m not well. Somedays I lie on the floor while they play and stare at the ceiling, tears running down my face for no real reason at all. Sometimes I don’t want to talk or play or color, I just need to be. I hate these days, I hate that the best  can do is just being in the same room with them. I don’t want to be away from them, that’s for certain. I need them close to me, they remind me that it’s worth it, to keep going. Still, they know. They know when I’m off, they behave a little better and play a little more quite. They know. They are so young but the get me. Mommy’s not always well.

I’m working so hard on being well. So hard that when these days come they are more debilitating then ever. WHY, is this STILL happening!? I’m doing everything I’m supposed to and should do. And yet, depression and anxiety can break through at times. Medicine is helpful, it’s not a cure.

I’m able to appreciate the good days and I try so hard to let the bad ones go. To make the good ones great, Nate’s old enough to remember this now. They say that you choose the good memories over the bad. I hope this is true. I hope he remembers me at my best and not the mom who sometimes lies on the floor and cries.

Both boys were hard to leave today.  Nate at pre-school, Ben at the gym. Yesterday was a really hard day. It affected them, they didn’t want to leave me today. I didn’t really want them to go, either.

I just hope they know. Not that mommy is sick but that she is working to be well. She wants to be well. I want nothing more than to raise these boys, to watch them grow up and to love them. That going to the gym so much and not letting them eat fruit snacks and making them wash their hands means I love them. Nate knows when I go to the doctor and it’s a lot. He never asks why, he just tells me he’ll miss me. I clutch my heart and go to therapy. When I come home I know three sets of open arms will be waiting for me. So I go and I do the work. I do it for myself and I do it for them.

I love these people so hard. All of this work is for our family. I love them. I hope they know.

Changes

This week feels huge around here. School clothes shopping and pre-school orientation, first steps, weaning, and tomorrow Nate is having surgery.

Things are still a little roller-coastery, to be sure but for the most part I am just going with the flow.

Last week I cried the entire hour of my therapy session form complete exhaustion. Ben is 14.5 months old and I was still nursing him up to 3 times per night. I could not take it anymore. Like, officially, not like all of the other times I couldn’t take it anymore. We decided during that session that we had to get the baby weaned. That night I closed the door and didn’t answer his cries, same the next, the third night he slept and has since. As long as I answered him he wanted to eat, it was killing us both.  He was crabby from not getting enough sleep and I was barely hanging on. Last night I fed him for the last time. He bit me a few times and drove me crazy. After he fell asleep I cried for a few minutes and held him close. It was okay, it’s time to move on.

Tomorrow Nate is having a simple surgery on his belly button. He’s had a umbicial hernia since he was born that never corrected itself so they are going to sew the hole in his muscle and give him an innie. He is very upset about this, “I like my sticky-outty!” I do too. We both hate change. He will be okay, I think I will be too. Next week he starts pre-school. We are both super excited. He is so ready to be around other kids and learn things I never thought of. I just can’t wait for him, he will love it.

I’ve been struggling with stress eating, not being able to sleep (my body hasn’t totally adjusted to not being up half the night) and a lot of anxiety.  I plan on dropping Nate off at school and going straight to the gym. Getting there is so hard, getting everyone fed and dressed and out the door is a workout in itself. Since I will already be out of the house I am just going to go. I started the summer 7 lbs over my pre-pregnancy weight and managed to gain 5 over the course of the past few months so I have 12 lbs to lose. This makes me sad and angry. I’ve never lived “here” before. I don’t want to either. I had a goal to run 11 miles in November. The clock is ticking loudly. I ran last week and made it a whopping 2.3. LONG way to go.

 

Wherein I am the dead horse

You guys! What is up with this year? And is it over yet because jesus, I can’t take anymore.  The kicks keep coming.

If you follow me on Twitter you know that I’ve been at my Dad’s this week in Connecticut and that yesterday Ben had the top of his finger cut off in a door. CUT OFF. OFF. As in I checked in the emergency room covered in blood, my face, neck, clothes and baby, “What can I help you with?” “My baby’s finger is in a ziplock bag.” “Right this way.”

I’ve been hurt a few times in my life, broken arm, a few surgeries, birthed two babies, broken my tailbone, slammed my finger in a car door and this was by far the most tramatizing event of my life. By. Far.

At first I thought he had “just” ripped his nail off but the blood, oh, my God, the blood. I ran down to the kitchen sink, for some reason, called for my step-mom and told her I didn’t think he was okay. She looked and said the tip of his finger was missing.  I screamed, and started crying in a way I’ve never cried before. She tried to wrap it up in a paper towel but it was bleeding so fast it was sort of useless. She asked me if I found his finger, I heaved into the sink. “No, I can’t, can you please go look for me, I cannot do it. I cannot.”

She found it, it was stuck to the door. She put in on ice and drove us to the hospital.

The staff was incredible. We were in and out of that hospital in 90 minutes, granted we are in Torrington which is a fairly small town but still. Intake, X-rays, finger sewing back on. We were on our way back in 90 minutes.

We don’t know if his finger will be okay or not. We know that his nail, if it ever grows back will be very deformed, permanently. We just wait a week or so and watch. Wait to see if it pink’s up (is pink’s a word?) or if it dies and turns blue/black. If it dies we will have to have it surgically removed and they will have to cut a flap to cover the new tip of his finger. Some of his bone was cut off as well, but they said that your bones grow from the joints not the tip so that wont be an issue. IF it doesn’t take his middle finger will be the same length of his ring finger. Gross but in the grand scheme of things, not that big of a deal for a boy. I mean, not really.

I want it to grow together, of course I do. I don’t want him to be anything other than perfect. I don’t want him to need surgery. But if he does, he does. All I can do is give him his antibiotics and motrin* and keep it clean and dry.

I just wish I could unsee the inside of my child. To unhear those primal screams. To turn back time and unclose that damn door. But I can’t. It is over. I just have to move on and hope this year will stop kicking me and my family while I am down and get off my lawn.

*sorry you cut your finger off, baby, but you dont weigh enough for real drugs, here’s some shit you can get over the counter. good luck.

The saga of Barnacle Ben

Last week I received a message from my childhood best friend regarding the lack of sleeping going on in this place.
“Christina, I never had a reflux baby but it may be something worth exploring.” A lightbulb went off, one that was in the depths of my sleepy brain. Reflux. OMG, it could be a medical problem not one related to nursing. Maybe this is why he’s barnacle Ben? Maybe this is why this and this is why that and I Dr. Googled and found silent reflux and blammo. I called and made him the first available appointment.

Yesterday was that appointment and while neither the doctor or I am 100% that this is his issue she agreed that it would be worth a try. She told me that they would take a few days for it to really work so not to expect a huge improvement right away, give them a few days. What’s a few more days I thought, this has been going on for nearly 10 months.

Last night, after just two doses he slept. He went down at 8 woke to eat at 1 and 5 and was up at 8. That is the best night of sleep we have had in months. Months! And after just the first day. I hope to Jesus and Baby Jesus that this is it and that wasnt a fluke last night. I hope that in a few more days we are sleeping all night long and that I have a baby who doesn’t cry all the time and who can be put down, though I do love the moniker barnacle Ben, I’d like to have my left hip back. I’d like my dark circles to diminish, I’d like to be a better mom who enjoys her babies more, I’d like to enjoy everything more. I’d like to loose these last 8 lbs before the pool opens, I’d like, I’d like, I’d like. What I’d mostly like is a baby who is healthy, who sleeps and is strong enough to fight off illness and one who smiles and grows well. All of these things require sleep and damn if I’m not going to do anything I can to make sure he get its.

Too tired to talk

You guys, the baby still doesn’t sleep. He will be 10 months next week and he is still up every 1-3 hours, all night, every night. I’m haggard.

I think about blogging several times per day. I miss it.  I have lots to share with you around the house, too.   I’ve never shared Ben’s room, Nate’s big boy room, our bedroom and bathroom are almost finished and so is the kid’s bath. This weekend we are getting new carpet in the basement, we have new furniture down there I’ve not shared.  Then there is the playroom. Basically, what I’m saying is I may not be sleeping but my house doesn’t show it. I have no idea how I’ve accomplished a damn thing to tell you the truth but I guess having projects help the time pass until I can lie down. I miss my bed, I miss sleeping in it. I spend most of the night in a rocking chair.

I’m trying to fix the baby. crying it out isn’t working for our situation. I did it with Nate when I took his paci away at 18 months but that was just at the initial put-down, it wasnt all night long. Ben’s issue is all night long. I just can’t force myself to watch the clock and go in at 5 min 10 min 20 min in the middle of the night when I can just pop a boob in the kids mouth and he’s out in 15. I just ordered the no cry sleep solution per my ped’s suggestion and a friend said she had great luck with the baby whisperer. something’s got to give. I need sleep.

My in-laws arrive this weekend and after that I think we are in the clear for a while with guests. I hope to be writing more regularly. Even if it’s just to talk about how tired I am because sometimes just writing about it can make me feel a little bit better.

2010 in review

1. What did you do in 2010 that you’ve never done before.

Went on a girl only vacation. Left Nate alone overnight. Traveled with a baby alone.

2.Did you keep your new year resolution and will you make more for next year?

Yes and sort of. My word for the year was nurture and I was to try to apply that to myself and to my family. This year was hard. Hard in every way a year can be when you spend the first 6 months of it pregnant and the second 6 months caring for a newborn. I might have been able to do better at times but we all made it out alive. I have another word for 2011 and a small list of things to work toward. I always will have. It’s not a new year without a new list.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?

My sister, Heidi and obvs me. Our kids are just 4 months apart which is the 296th reason we should not be living 2500 miles apart.

4. Did anyone close to you die?

Bruno, our english bulldog.  We lost him just 4 days after Ben was born and I’ve missed him everyday since.  Thankfully we didn’t lose any people but damn if that dog wasnt people to me.

5.What countries did you visit?

Phfttt- countries. Nada.  We plan on going to Canada this summer.  Next year (2012), I have big plans for next year. Mike and my 10th anniversary is in July, we’re shooting for an international cruise, either the mediterranean or South America.- I did make it to North Carolina, Chicago and Washington.

6. What would you like to have in 2011 that you didn’t have in 2010?

More.  More sleep, more exercise, more sanity,more balance, more space between my thighs.

 A babysitter that I can leave two kids with.

7. What dates of 2010 will be etched upon your memory, and why?

June 12th, when I shot a 5 lb premature  baby from my body.  June 16th- when B died.  June was one hell of a rollercoaster. October 21st- when I learned my best friend has cancer.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?

Treading water.  Learning that it is okay when I can’t get “it” all done in one day or even one week. To do my best and let the rest go.

9. What was your biggest failure?

I’m still fat. 15 lbs to go to my pre-baby weight. Damnit.

10. Did you suffer from injury or illness?

Yes, one fateful day in April I fell ass over tea kettle down the stairs at 25 weeks pregnant and landed in the hospital with a broken tailbone but an intact baby. (my tailbone is still broken! 3 Dr’s and no one can fix it.)

11.What was the best thing you bought?

My laptop- it was my birthday present but still. I’ve never had one before. Not being chained to a desk in the basement has honestly improved my life.

12.Whose behavior merited celebration?

My mom’s, she ran to be by my side when I went into labor. She was on a plane before I even had my epidural.  My sister was 6 weeks early so she knew better than I did what I was in for with Ben being 5 weeks premature she was in my room on the other side of the country as fast as she could run. That ment the world to me.

My sisters for taking care of my niece when she has 3 kids of her own because it’s what is best for the baby.

Mike’s, as always. For everything he does. Making dance-party mix’s of Nate’s favorite songs. For laughing when the baby craps all over him. For loving me. For working so hard to make our life what it is and still making time for us.

13. Whos behavior made you appalled or depressed?

This isn’t really blogging material. There is an answer to this, of course, but if I know anything it’s that even if the person you hate is trapped in a mine when they get out they WILL FIND YOUR BLOG. So, ehh, next question.

14. Where did most of your money go?

Hmm, mortgage, new furniture, a few trips, my 45 lb pregnancy weight gain and full hvac replacement.

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?

Seeing Nate meet Ben for the first time.  Decorating Ben’s room. Christmas. My adult bedroom. Going to the Oprah show.

16.What song will always remind you of 2010?

I’m still trying to come up with this answer…. There’s got to be one.

17.Compared to this time last year, are you: a) happier or sadder? b) thinner or fatter? c) richer or poorer?

a. both. I’m doing great but knowing that Ben is my last babe has me a bit sad and often. Packing up clothes to donate, making his food, waiting on his first teeth.It’s all a bunch of last firsts. While I’m in a good place with our family size there is something a little sad knowing that part of your life is coming to a close.

b. fatter 

c. richer 

18.What do you wish you’d done more of?

I wish I had more date’s with Mike. It’s been a pretty quiet year in the couple department. 

 19.What do you wish you’d done less of?

Eat. My word the eating. (It’s all the Pioneer Woman’s fault with the butter and the cream and the GOOD!) Bitch about my first world problems on FB or Twitter.

 20.  How did you spend Christmas?

At home with my boys. Christmas is hard for me. I always want to be two places at once which I guess is what happens when you’re far from your family.  I cooked huge meals, we danced and read christmas books and watched christmas movies and baked cookies for santa and just everything I could cram into 2 days that would entertain the tot we did. It was perfect. I can’t wait to do over and over and over again. 

21.Did you fall in love?

Oh boy, did I. Benjamin, my sweet boy who finally sleeps and has stopped screaming his fool head off has turned into a pretty mellow little guy. I cannot get enough of him. These kids, its like there’s not enough of me to wrap around them, I can’t hold them close enough or hard enough. Being a mom can be soul sucking to be sure but it can also fill me up like nothing else. The giggles and the I love you’s. It is so good. 

22.What was your favorite TV program?

Lost, even though I was unmoved by the finale.

 

23.  Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year?

Nope.  

24.  What was the best book you read?

I said last year that I wanted to read some classics, I didn’t. I did read more pink fluffy chick lit.

 I loved It sucked and then I cried (dooce) Heather Armstrong. And The Help. I read a few others but those are the only two that really stand out. Oh and I also liked YOU having a baby by Dr. Oz although I know a lot of people think he’s full of it. Whateve’s- I liked it.

 25.  What was your greatest musical discovery?

I have a few new fav’s- Frances and the Machine! Oh, man, I can’t get enough.Vampire Weekend,  Derby, The XX, The 88, Bombay Bicycle Club and Lady Gaga. I know, I know, but damn if that lady doesn’t get my booty shaking. 

26. What did you want and get?

 A baby.  A laptop. Bedroom furniture. Clean carpets.

27. What did you want and not get?

An uneventful, tear-free (as in rip, not cry) delivery. A calm, non-crying baby who sleeps well and can be put down. HA! A vacation with Mike, I knew that was a pipe dream but I wanted it.

 28. What was your favorite film of 2010?

Shit, you guys, the only movies I’ve seen in a theater in the last 12 months my kid was with me. 

 29. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?

It was very low-key. Ben was just a few weeks old. I turned 33, I think we just went to red robin for an early dinner and Mike let me take a nap.

 30. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?

Freaking cold medicine! For real, when will drug companies get the memo that pregnant and nursing women get sick and we need drugs!  Also, sleep. Related, caffeine or a baby who can tolerate my drinking of caffeine.

31. How would you describe your personal fashion concept of 2010?

Elastic!  good hair and shoes to try to distract from said elastic.

 32. What kept you sane?

2010- the year of complete insanity. 10 degrees of crazy, truly. I thank my meds, Starbucks, Style Lush and Twitter (were I spout off the most and am insanely supported!)

33. What political issue stirred you the most?

Hot Ham! If you know me even a little you know my answer is don’t ask don’t tell.  

34. Who did you miss?

Everyone- we had a load of visitors this year because of Ben which made the year better than others in this area. But still, as I say all the time I miss my village.  I also really miss my dog.

35. Who was the best new person you met?

No new people but I’ve gotten to know a few better, which is great. Having an actual circle of friends, like, enough to have a Christmas party with is a big deal for me.

36. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2010.

That the only life that I can change/fix/meddle in with any real success is my own. Don’t expect anyone’s idea of right and wrong to match my own and when they don’t, keep your damn mouth shut, get off the phone with an I love you and them move the eff on.

37. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year.

Your love is better than ice cream, better than anything else that I’ve tried. – Super old song but this year with all of its trials has been very, very sweet.

Babies Don’t Keep

I saw this today on another blog and it really resonated with me. It’s true and man, it hurts a little.

 

Ben is 6 months old already. Can you even believe that? I sure can’t. Nate is growing like a crazy little weed and man, it’s just flying.

I try to play trains with excitement and color and shape play doh and do the toddler games but it’s boring after a while and I’m so very-very tired. Oh, man, so tired it hurts but even so, I will never get today back. Ever. So I will play trains and walk laps around the train table until I drop if that’s what he wants because sadly,babies don’t keep.

When Ben is up in the middle of the night with teething pain and just wants me to hold him while he sucks on my shirt I will hold him close and smell him and relish in his weight and remember that this is fleeting.  And be glad and then so very sad because damnit, babies don’t keep.

I’ve got this, man.

It seems that we’ve passed a hump. Not the hump, I’m not new at this but a hump. The baby is sleeping. I am sleeping. I could end it with that and just start blogging again but that would be a super boring update. No?

I don’t know if it’s that he’s just getting older and has grown out of needing to eat all night (likely) or if it was the coffee and diet coke (also likely) but it’s better. Not better, it’s good.  He goes down around 7 and sleeps until 8, that’s am. 8 am! seriously. He went from eating every two hours to just not. He didn’t really wind down he just stopped. And it has been everything I ever dreamed it would be, or did dream, you know, before he was born. Back when I actually got to sleep.

This is not a small thing. I am such a better person, mom, wife, shit human being when I’m rested. I wake up in the morning and look at the clock and smile. Ahhh, another full night. I think its been going on long enough that we are done save for the regressions and growth spurts, which I can do, they wont last 5 months!

Life isn’t all roses, it’s still redonk how hard this is but at least I can deal without snapping and hating myself at the end of the day. Nate is not without his own brand of  soul sucking, either. He was a dream two year-old, a dream. My little sidekick who I wanted to be with all the time.  3 year-old Nate?  It’s like someone dropped him on his head. He is demanding and whiny and sometimes a little mean to both me and the baby. But not always, and when he is himself he is pure freaking sunshine. Like when he hears jingle bells at Target and stops and yells, “Check out my MOVES!” and starts to dance. But then in the same trip he decides to spit out an entire mouthful of juice and demand that he be taken home and have his shirt changed. To bad sucker, you’re wearing that shirt.

He is hard. He spits when he’s mad. Pretends he’s a dog all the time and barks and licks things, people. He intentionally pees himself when I put him in timeout.

He is easy. He says please and thank you and bless you and I love you and comes to us and asks for hugs. He eats well. He plays great with other kids. He loves to read. He plays independently which is so helpful.

I love him.  He is my favorite. He drives me freaking nuts.

Ben is getting a bit easier, too. He is content to swing for about 15 minutes at a time. He’s happy on a blanket with a few toys for a while. He’s able to be put down for longer periods. His naps are a little iffy. Last I wrote they were around 2o minutes to an hour. today he slept for three IN A ROW! Oh, it was lovely. He only poops every few days, those days are hard and fussy and sad. He’s cubby in all of those delicious baby chub places, he has Popeye forearms, rolls in his ankles and I have to moisturize his thigh rolls to prevent them from chafing. He’s becoming a really good baby. He cries when he wakes up but as soon as he sees me he smiles. He giggles and kicks his legs and just melts us all. He loves baths, his big brother, boobs and his blanket. He can’t take his eyes off Mike or the christmas lights. He is mellowing out. I already think he is me. I think I gave birth to my own personality. I’m a little afraid to find out but I also cant wait to.

I love him. He is my favorite. He makes me freaking nuts.

These boys are my life. The good, the bad, the ugly. But now that we are sleeping, I’ve got this.