2 fast

I wasn’t ready. I was but not for the speed. We’d decided when to pull the goalie and I was absolutely ready for that part, but that part meant the beginning. I didn’t anticipate it would happen the first try.  When it did, it felt like whiplash, not car accident like, no, not that at all, maybe like rollercoaster type where you see the drop but you forgot to hold your neck steady because it came up so fast. A lovely sensation with a side of shock.

The pregnancy was fast, hard, then easy than fast again. The beginning I was just so sick, then it was wonderful for a bit, like some sort of dream where I ate all of the things and floated around on a happiness cloud. Then, the fall down the stairs, that’s when it got harder. I think for a while I was more “broken tailbone” than “pregnant” except at night, at night was the best part. When I’d lie in bed with my hands on my belly, it was our time. My favorite.

Then it ended as fast as it started. My water breaking too soon, 35 weeks. I just couldn’t admit, this wasn’t it.  When it was real, it was too much to process. I just let go, I had to. I couldn’t control what was happening to my body or with my baby, I just disconnected. I had to, to protect myself. I didn’t know if Ben would even survive, sounds dramatic but it happens. Viability isn’t a guarantee.

Suddenly, I had a baby. I wasn’t ready in any way, mentally, I felt robbed of the end. No one ever asked how much longer, I didn’t get those last few weeks of nesting done, I wasnt in that anxious anticipation phase yet. I was saddened. For me, it was something I mourned a little.

Then, his infancy, was hell.  Never sleeping, never being able to be out of my arms. It was hard. I was so in love but with him in this odd way where I couldn’t be close enough to him but didn’t want to touch him, either. It was all too much. From nothing to the most demanding period of my life. It all happened so fast.

Now it’s over. He’s toddling around and laughing and flashing me this smile that gives my soul goosebumps and puts tears in my eyes. He’s still a hellion, a force to behold, agility beyond his big brothers, he is a big, free spirit.  He is amazing. Free and happy and silently smart.

Today he’s 2 years old. 2. It’s all over, everything is already easier now. Lighter, more fun, more -more everything. As hard as it was. It was too fast. Just so heart breaking fast.

Happy Birthday, Benny. You, my love, are the biggest surprise yet.

Bigger

It happens daily and right before my eyes. One of them does something new and catches my attention. One wakes up taller and thinner, the other says “I’d recommend having the marshmallows.” I’m caught off guard by every third move, a sideways glance that reveals my face, or Mikes or very often in Ben, my paternal grandfather.

It’s such a gift, being a mother. The ability to create these people and then be able to stay home with them and watch them grow.  Ben, who doesn’t speak much, understands everything we say and follows directions like he’s in boot camp. Nate with his scrunched up face yells, “FINE THEN, You figure it out.” Or tells stories about his life outside of home and on his own, finding his way at school and making friends.

They play together like they knew each other before they got here. How can you have such a bond in such a short time? Watching kids together they teach each other so much.  They teach me so much by watching and by letting them work out their problems.  Nate teaches Ben his dance moves and they hold hands in the car and kiss each other goodnight and trade sippys when Ben has milk but wants Nates juice.

Everyday, they get bigger and better at life and I realize that they are doing this in preparation of leaving me. And hot ham, as crazy as they made me today I’m not ready for them to be that big.

Wherein I am the dead horse

You guys! What is up with this year? And is it over yet because jesus, I can’t take anymore.  The kicks keep coming.

If you follow me on Twitter you know that I’ve been at my Dad’s this week in Connecticut and that yesterday Ben had the top of his finger cut off in a door. CUT OFF. OFF. As in I checked in the emergency room covered in blood, my face, neck, clothes and baby, “What can I help you with?” “My baby’s finger is in a ziplock bag.” “Right this way.”

I’ve been hurt a few times in my life, broken arm, a few surgeries, birthed two babies, broken my tailbone, slammed my finger in a car door and this was by far the most tramatizing event of my life. By. Far.

At first I thought he had “just” ripped his nail off but the blood, oh, my God, the blood. I ran down to the kitchen sink, for some reason, called for my step-mom and told her I didn’t think he was okay. She looked and said the tip of his finger was missing.  I screamed, and started crying in a way I’ve never cried before. She tried to wrap it up in a paper towel but it was bleeding so fast it was sort of useless. She asked me if I found his finger, I heaved into the sink. “No, I can’t, can you please go look for me, I cannot do it. I cannot.”

She found it, it was stuck to the door. She put in on ice and drove us to the hospital.

The staff was incredible. We were in and out of that hospital in 90 minutes, granted we are in Torrington which is a fairly small town but still. Intake, X-rays, finger sewing back on. We were on our way back in 90 minutes.

We don’t know if his finger will be okay or not. We know that his nail, if it ever grows back will be very deformed, permanently. We just wait a week or so and watch. Wait to see if it pink’s up (is pink’s a word?) or if it dies and turns blue/black. If it dies we will have to have it surgically removed and they will have to cut a flap to cover the new tip of his finger. Some of his bone was cut off as well, but they said that your bones grow from the joints not the tip so that wont be an issue. IF it doesn’t take his middle finger will be the same length of his ring finger. Gross but in the grand scheme of things, not that big of a deal for a boy. I mean, not really.

I want it to grow together, of course I do. I don’t want him to be anything other than perfect. I don’t want him to need surgery. But if he does, he does. All I can do is give him his antibiotics and motrin* and keep it clean and dry.

I just wish I could unsee the inside of my child. To unhear those primal screams. To turn back time and unclose that damn door. But I can’t. It is over. I just have to move on and hope this year will stop kicking me and my family while I am down and get off my lawn.

*sorry you cut your finger off, baby, but you dont weigh enough for real drugs, here’s some shit you can get over the counter. good luck.

The saga of Barnacle Ben

Last week I received a message from my childhood best friend regarding the lack of sleeping going on in this place.
“Christina, I never had a reflux baby but it may be something worth exploring.” A lightbulb went off, one that was in the depths of my sleepy brain. Reflux. OMG, it could be a medical problem not one related to nursing. Maybe this is why he’s barnacle Ben? Maybe this is why this and this is why that and I Dr. Googled and found silent reflux and blammo. I called and made him the first available appointment.

Yesterday was that appointment and while neither the doctor or I am 100% that this is his issue she agreed that it would be worth a try. She told me that they would take a few days for it to really work so not to expect a huge improvement right away, give them a few days. What’s a few more days I thought, this has been going on for nearly 10 months.

Last night, after just two doses he slept. He went down at 8 woke to eat at 1 and 5 and was up at 8. That is the best night of sleep we have had in months. Months! And after just the first day. I hope to Jesus and Baby Jesus that this is it and that wasnt a fluke last night. I hope that in a few more days we are sleeping all night long and that I have a baby who doesn’t cry all the time and who can be put down, though I do love the moniker barnacle Ben, I’d like to have my left hip back. I’d like my dark circles to diminish, I’d like to be a better mom who enjoys her babies more, I’d like to enjoy everything more. I’d like to loose these last 8 lbs before the pool opens, I’d like, I’d like, I’d like. What I’d mostly like is a baby who is healthy, who sleeps and is strong enough to fight off illness and one who smiles and grows well. All of these things require sleep and damn if I’m not going to do anything I can to make sure he get its.

2010 in review

1. What did you do in 2010 that you’ve never done before.

Went on a girl only vacation. Left Nate alone overnight. Traveled with a baby alone.

2.Did you keep your new year resolution and will you make more for next year?

Yes and sort of. My word for the year was nurture and I was to try to apply that to myself and to my family. This year was hard. Hard in every way a year can be when you spend the first 6 months of it pregnant and the second 6 months caring for a newborn. I might have been able to do better at times but we all made it out alive. I have another word for 2011 and a small list of things to work toward. I always will have. It’s not a new year without a new list.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?

My sister, Heidi and obvs me. Our kids are just 4 months apart which is the 296th reason we should not be living 2500 miles apart.

4. Did anyone close to you die?

Bruno, our english bulldog.  We lost him just 4 days after Ben was born and I’ve missed him everyday since.  Thankfully we didn’t lose any people but damn if that dog wasnt people to me.

5.What countries did you visit?

Phfttt- countries. Nada.  We plan on going to Canada this summer.  Next year (2012), I have big plans for next year. Mike and my 10th anniversary is in July, we’re shooting for an international cruise, either the mediterranean or South America.- I did make it to North Carolina, Chicago and Washington.

6. What would you like to have in 2011 that you didn’t have in 2010?

More.  More sleep, more exercise, more sanity,more balance, more space between my thighs.

 A babysitter that I can leave two kids with.

7. What dates of 2010 will be etched upon your memory, and why?

June 12th, when I shot a 5 lb premature  baby from my body.  June 16th- when B died.  June was one hell of a rollercoaster. October 21st- when I learned my best friend has cancer.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?

Treading water.  Learning that it is okay when I can’t get “it” all done in one day or even one week. To do my best and let the rest go.

9. What was your biggest failure?

I’m still fat. 15 lbs to go to my pre-baby weight. Damnit.

10. Did you suffer from injury or illness?

Yes, one fateful day in April I fell ass over tea kettle down the stairs at 25 weeks pregnant and landed in the hospital with a broken tailbone but an intact baby. (my tailbone is still broken! 3 Dr’s and no one can fix it.)

11.What was the best thing you bought?

My laptop- it was my birthday present but still. I’ve never had one before. Not being chained to a desk in the basement has honestly improved my life.

12.Whose behavior merited celebration?

My mom’s, she ran to be by my side when I went into labor. She was on a plane before I even had my epidural.  My sister was 6 weeks early so she knew better than I did what I was in for with Ben being 5 weeks premature she was in my room on the other side of the country as fast as she could run. That ment the world to me.

My sisters for taking care of my niece when she has 3 kids of her own because it’s what is best for the baby.

Mike’s, as always. For everything he does. Making dance-party mix’s of Nate’s favorite songs. For laughing when the baby craps all over him. For loving me. For working so hard to make our life what it is and still making time for us.

13. Whos behavior made you appalled or depressed?

This isn’t really blogging material. There is an answer to this, of course, but if I know anything it’s that even if the person you hate is trapped in a mine when they get out they WILL FIND YOUR BLOG. So, ehh, next question.

14. Where did most of your money go?

Hmm, mortgage, new furniture, a few trips, my 45 lb pregnancy weight gain and full hvac replacement.

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?

Seeing Nate meet Ben for the first time.  Decorating Ben’s room. Christmas. My adult bedroom. Going to the Oprah show.

16.What song will always remind you of 2010?

I’m still trying to come up with this answer…. There’s got to be one.

17.Compared to this time last year, are you: a) happier or sadder? b) thinner or fatter? c) richer or poorer?

a. both. I’m doing great but knowing that Ben is my last babe has me a bit sad and often. Packing up clothes to donate, making his food, waiting on his first teeth.It’s all a bunch of last firsts. While I’m in a good place with our family size there is something a little sad knowing that part of your life is coming to a close.

b. fatter 

c. richer 

18.What do you wish you’d done more of?

I wish I had more date’s with Mike. It’s been a pretty quiet year in the couple department. 

 19.What do you wish you’d done less of?

Eat. My word the eating. (It’s all the Pioneer Woman’s fault with the butter and the cream and the GOOD!) Bitch about my first world problems on FB or Twitter.

 20.  How did you spend Christmas?

At home with my boys. Christmas is hard for me. I always want to be two places at once which I guess is what happens when you’re far from your family.  I cooked huge meals, we danced and read christmas books and watched christmas movies and baked cookies for santa and just everything I could cram into 2 days that would entertain the tot we did. It was perfect. I can’t wait to do over and over and over again. 

21.Did you fall in love?

Oh boy, did I. Benjamin, my sweet boy who finally sleeps and has stopped screaming his fool head off has turned into a pretty mellow little guy. I cannot get enough of him. These kids, its like there’s not enough of me to wrap around them, I can’t hold them close enough or hard enough. Being a mom can be soul sucking to be sure but it can also fill me up like nothing else. The giggles and the I love you’s. It is so good. 

22.What was your favorite TV program?

Lost, even though I was unmoved by the finale.

 

23.  Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year?

Nope.  

24.  What was the best book you read?

I said last year that I wanted to read some classics, I didn’t. I did read more pink fluffy chick lit.

 I loved It sucked and then I cried (dooce) Heather Armstrong. And The Help. I read a few others but those are the only two that really stand out. Oh and I also liked YOU having a baby by Dr. Oz although I know a lot of people think he’s full of it. Whateve’s- I liked it.

 25.  What was your greatest musical discovery?

I have a few new fav’s- Frances and the Machine! Oh, man, I can’t get enough.Vampire Weekend,  Derby, The XX, The 88, Bombay Bicycle Club and Lady Gaga. I know, I know, but damn if that lady doesn’t get my booty shaking. 

26. What did you want and get?

 A baby.  A laptop. Bedroom furniture. Clean carpets.

27. What did you want and not get?

An uneventful, tear-free (as in rip, not cry) delivery. A calm, non-crying baby who sleeps well and can be put down. HA! A vacation with Mike, I knew that was a pipe dream but I wanted it.

 28. What was your favorite film of 2010?

Shit, you guys, the only movies I’ve seen in a theater in the last 12 months my kid was with me. 

 29. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?

It was very low-key. Ben was just a few weeks old. I turned 33, I think we just went to red robin for an early dinner and Mike let me take a nap.

 30. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?

Freaking cold medicine! For real, when will drug companies get the memo that pregnant and nursing women get sick and we need drugs!  Also, sleep. Related, caffeine or a baby who can tolerate my drinking of caffeine.

31. How would you describe your personal fashion concept of 2010?

Elastic!  good hair and shoes to try to distract from said elastic.

 32. What kept you sane?

2010- the year of complete insanity. 10 degrees of crazy, truly. I thank my meds, Starbucks, Style Lush and Twitter (were I spout off the most and am insanely supported!)

33. What political issue stirred you the most?

Hot Ham! If you know me even a little you know my answer is don’t ask don’t tell.  

34. Who did you miss?

Everyone- we had a load of visitors this year because of Ben which made the year better than others in this area. But still, as I say all the time I miss my village.  I also really miss my dog.

35. Who was the best new person you met?

No new people but I’ve gotten to know a few better, which is great. Having an actual circle of friends, like, enough to have a Christmas party with is a big deal for me.

36. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2010.

That the only life that I can change/fix/meddle in with any real success is my own. Don’t expect anyone’s idea of right and wrong to match my own and when they don’t, keep your damn mouth shut, get off the phone with an I love you and them move the eff on.

37. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year.

Your love is better than ice cream, better than anything else that I’ve tried. – Super old song but this year with all of its trials has been very, very sweet.

Babies Don’t Keep

I saw this today on another blog and it really resonated with me. It’s true and man, it hurts a little.

 

Ben is 6 months old already. Can you even believe that? I sure can’t. Nate is growing like a crazy little weed and man, it’s just flying.

I try to play trains with excitement and color and shape play doh and do the toddler games but it’s boring after a while and I’m so very-very tired. Oh, man, so tired it hurts but even so, I will never get today back. Ever. So I will play trains and walk laps around the train table until I drop if that’s what he wants because sadly,babies don’t keep.

When Ben is up in the middle of the night with teething pain and just wants me to hold him while he sucks on my shirt I will hold him close and smell him and relish in his weight and remember that this is fleeting.  And be glad and then so very sad because damnit, babies don’t keep.

I’ve got this, man.

It seems that we’ve passed a hump. Not the hump, I’m not new at this but a hump. The baby is sleeping. I am sleeping. I could end it with that and just start blogging again but that would be a super boring update. No?

I don’t know if it’s that he’s just getting older and has grown out of needing to eat all night (likely) or if it was the coffee and diet coke (also likely) but it’s better. Not better, it’s good.  He goes down around 7 and sleeps until 8, that’s am. 8 am! seriously. He went from eating every two hours to just not. He didn’t really wind down he just stopped. And it has been everything I ever dreamed it would be, or did dream, you know, before he was born. Back when I actually got to sleep.

This is not a small thing. I am such a better person, mom, wife, shit human being when I’m rested. I wake up in the morning and look at the clock and smile. Ahhh, another full night. I think its been going on long enough that we are done save for the regressions and growth spurts, which I can do, they wont last 5 months!

Life isn’t all roses, it’s still redonk how hard this is but at least I can deal without snapping and hating myself at the end of the day. Nate is not without his own brand of  soul sucking, either. He was a dream two year-old, a dream. My little sidekick who I wanted to be with all the time.  3 year-old Nate?  It’s like someone dropped him on his head. He is demanding and whiny and sometimes a little mean to both me and the baby. But not always, and when he is himself he is pure freaking sunshine. Like when he hears jingle bells at Target and stops and yells, “Check out my MOVES!” and starts to dance. But then in the same trip he decides to spit out an entire mouthful of juice and demand that he be taken home and have his shirt changed. To bad sucker, you’re wearing that shirt.

He is hard. He spits when he’s mad. Pretends he’s a dog all the time and barks and licks things, people. He intentionally pees himself when I put him in timeout.

He is easy. He says please and thank you and bless you and I love you and comes to us and asks for hugs. He eats well. He plays great with other kids. He loves to read. He plays independently which is so helpful.

I love him.  He is my favorite. He drives me freaking nuts.

Ben is getting a bit easier, too. He is content to swing for about 15 minutes at a time. He’s happy on a blanket with a few toys for a while. He’s able to be put down for longer periods. His naps are a little iffy. Last I wrote they were around 2o minutes to an hour. today he slept for three IN A ROW! Oh, it was lovely. He only poops every few days, those days are hard and fussy and sad. He’s cubby in all of those delicious baby chub places, he has Popeye forearms, rolls in his ankles and I have to moisturize his thigh rolls to prevent them from chafing. He’s becoming a really good baby. He cries when he wakes up but as soon as he sees me he smiles. He giggles and kicks his legs and just melts us all. He loves baths, his big brother, boobs and his blanket. He can’t take his eyes off Mike or the christmas lights. He is mellowing out. I already think he is me. I think I gave birth to my own personality. I’m a little afraid to find out but I also cant wait to.

I love him. He is my favorite. He makes me freaking nuts.

These boys are my life. The good, the bad, the ugly. But now that we are sleeping, I’ve got this.

No sleep till Brooklyn

I don’t remember being this tired when Nate was a baby though I’m pretty sure I was. He didn’t sleep through the night until he was five months old. I remember his schedule well, nursing on demand during the day, bedtime at 7, up at 1 and 5 back to sleep until 8. I was lucky, he was a good sleeper but he went down hard. I had to rock him or pace the room for hours, he was so hard to put down, always crying, wanting more time in my arms. It was hard. I know I was worn down but with him it was just him, I could sleep when he slept and I did.  Ben is a shit napper. Shit. Like, 20 minutes here, maybe an hour there. The payoff, I guess, is that he goes down easy. He nurses fast and goes down like he’s been waiting his whole life for his bed. I’m in and out in 25 minutes.Thank god, too. He’s up and then he’s up again and most nights I see him 4 times before Nate is up and then it’s over,it doesn’t matter how much longer he sleeps.

Nate’s naps are getting sporadic. I wonder how much longer he will even sleep. Some days it’s an amazing three hours and other days he just plays until I let him out. One of my best ideas was “quiet time” he was freaking out over naps and I decided to nix calling it nap time and told him he could read or play quietly but we both needed some time to ourselves. This was when I was hugely pregnant and needing the rest. It worked. At least I get an hour with him in his room a day.

You can’t get much done in an hour. Today I was asleep just long enough to start to drool when Ben woke up so I let Nate out, too. I didn’t know how I would survive one more minute. I still don’t. I am so tired I feel it in my bones. My limbs are heavy and my muscles are a little achy, I feel a little nauseous, I get dizzy a lot and my mind is on some sort of delay. I was at the post office today and the man at the counter asked me a question and I just stared at him and apologized, pointed at the baby and told him “sorry, I’ve been awake for 5 months.”

I went cold turkey on caffeine last week. I started drinking it a while ago, slowly at first.Half a can of diet coke for a few days to see if Ben had any reaction and then amped it back up to one or two a day and sometimes a latte on top of it. But then I got so damn tired I decided it needed to kick it and see if it helped Ben sleep. If it did I wouldn’t need it so badly, I had to give it a shot.  He’s much more content, hanging out on a blanket with toys or watching his mobile. He’s not crying as much or needing to be held all day. But he’s still up at least three times between 11 and 6. So who knows. He still only poops once a week no matter how much fiber 1 I force feed myself and god knows I’d be pissed if I only went once a week, too.

I don’t really know where I’m going with this. It’s really just a bunch of paragraphs that boil down to me being dead tired and hoping with all of my remaining uncaffeinated energy that this ends soon. I know I will survive whether it does or doesn’t but sooner would be so much better than later. But for all I know this will go on forever,birthed one of those people who go their whole lives without needing more than 4 hours per night. Sweet Jesus, that would be just my luck.

The weather is here, wish you were beautiful.

Isn’t that awful?  And so damn funny? I saw a guy wearing a shirt that read that recently and it’s all I can think of since we got here yesterday. The weather is amazeballz, seriously. It is just perfect. Today has been so wonderful. Lunch with a view, the beach, a lighthouse, fudge and salt water taffy. Now I have to iron my dress for dinner. I get to wear a dress!  But here are a few shots of the trip so far.

It’s not sucking, not at all. Tomorrow is Spa Day! And the bridal luncheon and then the wedding. Someone pinch me.

Wow, that was a long trip!

I’m here!  Wait, of course you know I’m here but what I mean is I’m not home, I’m HERE, here being Cape Hatteras North Carolina. Dudes, it took 4-evr to get here, too. We flew from Columbus to DC and then to Raleigh where we then drove all the way to Frisco NC which was a good 5 hour road trip. It’s just me and Ben, we left the big boys at home so we could bond over margaritas, well, that sounds wrong but it’s mostly true. The other two have big plans for football and arcades so I don’t feel that guilty. We are here for a wedding and it is amazing . It’s been a while since I’ve been to the beach,I grew up in the Puget Sound area of Washington and I realize now after living in Ohio for 4 years that land locked is a hard thing for me. I miss the salty air and where you just gaze out over water until it meets the sky.

So, I’m thrilled to be here!  I’m thrilled to have this time with my little bird, just the two of us. I’m more than excited to see my friend get married on Saturday and it’s just a bonus that it’s here and that so many of my other friends are too.

Here is FAR though. Oh, my goodness. It is far.

Oh, and ps- the dress? It fits.