2 fast

I wasn’t ready. I was but not for the speed. We’d decided when to pull the goalie and I was absolutely ready for that part, but that part meant the beginning. I didn’t anticipate it would happen the first try.  When it did, it felt like whiplash, not car accident like, no, not that at all, maybe like rollercoaster type where you see the drop but you forgot to hold your neck steady because it came up so fast. A lovely sensation with a side of shock.

The pregnancy was fast, hard, then easy than fast again. The beginning I was just so sick, then it was wonderful for a bit, like some sort of dream where I ate all of the things and floated around on a happiness cloud. Then, the fall down the stairs, that’s when it got harder. I think for a while I was more “broken tailbone” than “pregnant” except at night, at night was the best part. When I’d lie in bed with my hands on my belly, it was our time. My favorite.

Then it ended as fast as it started. My water breaking too soon, 35 weeks. I just couldn’t admit, this wasn’t it.  When it was real, it was too much to process. I just let go, I had to. I couldn’t control what was happening to my body or with my baby, I just disconnected. I had to, to protect myself. I didn’t know if Ben would even survive, sounds dramatic but it happens. Viability isn’t a guarantee.

Suddenly, I had a baby. I wasn’t ready in any way, mentally, I felt robbed of the end. No one ever asked how much longer, I didn’t get those last few weeks of nesting done, I wasnt in that anxious anticipation phase yet. I was saddened. For me, it was something I mourned a little.

Then, his infancy, was hell.  Never sleeping, never being able to be out of my arms. It was hard. I was so in love but with him in this odd way where I couldn’t be close enough to him but didn’t want to touch him, either. It was all too much. From nothing to the most demanding period of my life. It all happened so fast.

Now it’s over. He’s toddling around and laughing and flashing me this smile that gives my soul goosebumps and puts tears in my eyes. He’s still a hellion, a force to behold, agility beyond his big brothers, he is a big, free spirit.  He is amazing. Free and happy and silently smart.

Today he’s 2 years old. 2. It’s all over, everything is already easier now. Lighter, more fun, more -more everything. As hard as it was. It was too fast. Just so heart breaking fast.

Happy Birthday, Benny. You, my love, are the biggest surprise yet.

I want to buy it all!

Let me start with a little confession: I bought some stuff this week. I was at Target, and I needed some stuff but I had already decided that I was going to buy 1 bottle of nail polish, I wanted to try this glitter french manicure (it was a fucking disaster, pinterest, you are full of lies!) and that was all I was going to get. It was. But see, I had all of this time, we didn’t have anywhere to be and the boys were in amazing moods and it was just too easy to browse. It started with a pair of shoes, they were on clearance and I have tried them on a few times, for fun, but they had that blessed red sticker. It’s like a drug to me, I swear. So I argued with myself for a bit and then Nate said “Mom, those are zupah-cool!” And I asked him, “think daddy will like them?” “YEAH!” in the cart they went. Then I ended up grabbing a t-shirt, one that I’m sure will end up with a hole in no time.  And then, a pair of sunglasses and a hat. So, all in all, about $62.  And you know, I didn’t feel guilty at all. I felt happy.

Now, this is exactly the reason I started this. So I wouldn’t do this all the time. Before I started, I’d do this once a week, so one time in 8 months does not a problem make. But, I know myself.  I am making a list of exactly what I will buy for or vacation and I will not deviate from it. I must stay on track.

All of this aside. There’s nothing I’d love to do more right now, sitting at Panera ALONE, (heaven) than one-click my way thru the internet.But I’m not going to. I’m just going to enjoy the quiet and relax. This right here? This time to myself is honestly the best thing I could buy myself today. (okay, and a rug for the dining room and some new lights for the upstairs hall and a chair for the den, but that should do it. For today.) (But I like being married, so Ill just refil my diet coke and sit a while longer.)