A theme has come over my life in the past two or so years. “I’m too tired to go on.” I say it all day, every time I have a chance to sit down and 1000 times per phone call with my sister and every damn time I have to unload the dishwasher. And honestly, every time I say it I mean it. I’m tired.
I’m so physically tired that my body is heavy and my feet are wearing concrete shoes, my knees creak with each step. I have sore muscles in my back from poor posture because being this tired makes me slouchy. I have a ton of headaches, I just assume they are related. I workout hard, harder than I’ve ever worked out in my life which is the only thing that really gets me through my day but without fail, three hours after that workout I could fall asleep behind the wheel of my car. But without the workout, I’d never make it.
I’m mentally out of it. My mind doesn’t so much wander it just tunes out. I have a hard time concentrating. Cooking takes forever, my to-do lists are often half of a list because I just start to space and I’ve had the same book on my night-table for two months. This works well for gym time, I just move without thought until I can’t move any longer.
The problem is so simple, get more sleep. The solution seems obvious. The kids wake randomly at night and get up early, anywhere from 4:30 am on. I pull them in my bed, grab two eggos, two sippys, turn on the tv and sleep for a few minutes at a time until the sun is up. I go to sleep around 11:30, the same time I’ve gone to bed for years. Sometimes a little earlier but that’s just bedtime, it’s when my body finally stops me in my tracks. I just don’t get enough sleep.
I love sleep. I miss it. I miss it so much. And as out of balance life seems without it, I’d stay up forever for these kids.