I’m…

I’m a lover of all things. I love people and places and stuff and plants and the sky and everything you can see and touch and enjoy. I love fabrics and texture and accessories and getting dressed up and wearing yoga pants.  I love a good haircut and pulling my bangs back off of my face. I love my kids, oh, how I love my kids and my husband, who deserves his own post. I am a lover. I wear my heart on my sleeve. and across my gigantic grin. I’m genuine, when I tell you I LOVE IT, I couldn’t mean it more. When I tell you I love you, believe me.

I want to be better at everything I do. See, I love it all. I love to cook for my family, even though it’s the hardest part of every day. I love that every week I make all new recipes, only repeating the incredible now and then. I love the look on my husbands face when he takes that first bite . I love the sound the knife makes when it hits the cutting board. The buzz of the kitchen when it is alive with music and the fan running and the smells.  Still, I wish I were better at planning and getting dinner on the table at the same time.  I love to feed people, when my house is full of friends or family and the kitchen is buzzing, that is when I am most at home.  When the flowers are fresh and the candles are lit. I love a house full of love.

I love to decorate. I love to make a home out of 4 walls. I love the opportunity to make nothing represent my family. I wish I could create more storage, and have less kid clutter and that there wasnt a giant rip in Nate’s quilt right now but this is my life and life sometimes has holes. I love to fill a space with life and love and color and plants. I even love the holes.

I love to create. Wether it’s baking or sewing or crafting or designing a room. This is when I am most at peace. When I have a new idea or a current project, I can focus on nothing else. I get project add and my mind spins and the house gets messy and I forget to eat. I feel so alive when I can make new things. I wish I could do it everyday. I sometimes daydream of when the boys are both in school all day and I can sew for hours or make candles or try to make crapes. But then I rewind because,hell no. Slow down.

I’m not very good at being a mom when my mind is too focused. The worst days are when I’m in trapped in creativity. When the kids need me I get annoyed, I’m busy. I’m being Christina right now. I don’t like the way that feels, but it is true.

I struggle with balancing my love. When you’re my friend, I will lift my car for you. I love you, have I mentioned? Anything you need, I’m here. And I won’t let you forget. I don’t have a lot of friends and that’s my choice. I can’t be this to more than a few people. I don’t know how to be half of this. It’s all or nothing. I have to keep my circle tight. But then sometimes, well, often, life is real and I miss an email or can’t get together for a while and sometimes I just drop the ball and that’s hard on me and on “you”- I’m there! There! There! and then,, not. I get busy with sick kids or down, and then I hate that. And I feel badly and guilty and then I start to eat too much and do what my therapists calls “catastrophize” and suddenly I suck at everything and I never sent those thank you notes for Christmas gifts, surely everyone will hate me and think I’m a horrible mother and I’ve not seen my friends and I promised I’d bring Darci a meal but then the whole house got the flu and I can’t contaminate her new-born but I said I would and……..

The thing is, I’m just really sensitive. I feel everything. I cry when I see car accidents, I fight myself from offering strangers a ride when it’s raining. I want to give everything to everyone and make everyone in my life happy. I really do. because what is better than happy? Why wouldn’t I want that for the people I love? But, I cannot be everything to everyone. And I know that, but I’ve found that if I keep my body moving and my head clear, I can be everything to myself and that is what matters most.

Bigger

It happens daily and right before my eyes. One of them does something new and catches my attention. One wakes up taller and thinner, the other says “I’d recommend having the marshmallows.” I’m caught off guard by every third move, a sideways glance that reveals my face, or Mikes or very often in Ben, my paternal grandfather.

It’s such a gift, being a mother. The ability to create these people and then be able to stay home with them and watch them grow.  Ben, who doesn’t speak much, understands everything we say and follows directions like he’s in boot camp. Nate with his scrunched up face yells, “FINE THEN, You figure it out.” Or tells stories about his life outside of home and on his own, finding his way at school and making friends.

They play together like they knew each other before they got here. How can you have such a bond in such a short time? Watching kids together they teach each other so much.  They teach me so much by watching and by letting them work out their problems.  Nate teaches Ben his dance moves and they hold hands in the car and kiss each other goodnight and trade sippys when Ben has milk but wants Nates juice.

Everyday, they get bigger and better at life and I realize that they are doing this in preparation of leaving me. And hot ham, as crazy as they made me today I’m not ready for them to be that big.

Heavy Sigh

It’s been a hard few days. I couldn’t wait to get back into the routine after Christmas and now here we are and I’m bored and so tired and a little manic. I want to do a ton of stuff but I’m so tired that my mind races but my body is still. I just don’t get any sleep. Last night both of the boys were up a ton. I spent less than an hour in my own bed before I was up answering to one of them. Ben’s going thru the 18 month sleep regression, this will end. He’s been a great sleeper for nearly 5 months now. Hopefully this will end soon. Nate on the other hand, never sleeps all night. Every time he stirs he comes and wakes me, and I can’t just tuck him in, I have to lie down with him until he’s out. Then he does it again, usually 1-3 times a night and then around 5 he crawls in bed with me. Ben’s up at 6. I’m so sick of bitching about being tired, you have no idea. I’m not a complainer but this has made me so moody, night after night after month after year.

I spent some money and I’m really pissed off at myself for it. It started with a pillow last week but I took that back the next day. I thought about buying it so hard in the store and decided to get it, then when I got home I was fine with it, I was going to keep it. But I couldn’t, I felt guilty and it went back. Yesterday, after working out, Nate asked in his sweet little voice,” Mommy, can we go to Old McDonald’s?” I can’t take it when hc calls it that, we went.  $13. Food, so sort of okay, I guess. But impulse and a no-no for what I’m trying to achieve. Plus, its shit, and my kids shouldnt be eating it. Today, after I dropped Nate at school I needed to go to Target for some meds and Ben had been up since 4, and I knew if I went home he’d fall asleep and ruin his nap…so I went to Michael’s, and spent $8. Just some stuff to finish a project and it’s just $8 but damn. I broke. Is it the sleep? Is it lack of give a crap because of the sleep? I think a little of both, really.

It’s supposed to snow tomorrow afternoon and on Friday and for some reason that seems like a big ole pj-day permission slip. I’m looking forward to that. I think I need to crock-pot something too so I can really just do nothing for a bit.

Stuff to do!

We’re one week in!  One long week, right? Nate’s back in school, and the routine is back in action. Except I didn’t workout today, and on the way to the store, and not the gym, I already wished I’d put my workout clothes on. I made the wrong choice, coffee over spin class. I will remember this next week!

There is so much I want to accomplish this year. So, here we go!

Around the house.

Add a shelf to the laundry room.

Organize the pantry. Buy bins and trays.

Pare down my cookbooks organize a tear sheet binder

Get a rug for the den

sew the cover for the Danish chair and stuff and re-sew the anthro place mat for the chair

paint the 3 walls on the main floor that I was never sure what to do with. I’m still not sure but they look stupid not painted.

Paint the baseboards on the main floor

Finish the master bath. trim and cutting in. (I started this LAST MARCH!)

Add storage to playroom closet

Bite the bullet and do the half bath! Pattern walls, either with wallpaper or a stencil!

Clean out the kids closets and add storage solutions. A pile on the floor is not a solution!

Find a place to store all of my craft stuff! it’s in too many places.

Have the windows cleaned!

Have a gorgeous front yard this year!

New cushions and umbrella for the patio set.

Start planning the kitchen. Price appliances. Get an idea of a budget so we can start saving.

Get a fence quote for the same reason. I want a dog next summer 2013 and won’t have one without a fence.

With the kids

Renew our pool membership

Take them to the park when the weather is good, no matter how much I freaking hate going to the park. I never regret it when we go.

Treat them like people.

Give them adventures not crap from Target!

Remember that adventures don’t have to be planned. They are boys, dig for worms after the rain. Watch ants march across the sidewalk.

 

With myself

I’m removing a # from my goal in regard to weight. If my clothes fit, good! If they don’t, work harder.

Eat more real food, and less stuff that comes in a package

Try every class the gym offers.

Wear a bikini on my 10th anniversary trip!

Give up pop for a month. (and then maybe for good?)

Give up sugar for a week.

Read 12 books this year. (compared to ZERO last year)

I will wear sunscreen every day!

____

I’m sure there is more, I’ll add to the list if there are changes. Last year I refered to this a few times to see how I was doing.

In a nutshell, I just want to be healthy, have fun, get organized and keep working on my home. I have a feeling this year holds a lot of surprises and good things for my family.

 

2012 in one word

It took me a lot longer to come up with a word this year. I wanted a word that would push me on days that I need one, that would keep me headed in the right direction when I’m doing well, and one that could help me focus when the world gets fuzzy.  Last year I let go of a lot of my regular routine in the name of survival. Things that on the flip side, are important, things that in the thick of it, were not.  Like eating enough veggies and keeping the basement organized. Things that I’m able to focus on again, and they need doing. And I know that as the year goes on, I’ll need help keeping my lazy caboose in-line.

My word for 2012 is PRIDE.

It encompasses everything, I think. My health, both mental and physical. My job as a wife, mother, sister, daughter, friend. My ability to take care of my home and provide a nurturing and healthy environment for my family.  There’s no way you can think of the word and for it to not be positive. I want to be proud of myself and the life I am leading. This year I will focus on just that.