Accent Vlog

Well, here I am, all up in your face!

If you sat there for all 10 minutes, thank you. Goodness I can talk…. So, what do you think, accent or not?

 

Forward Motion

Over the Labor Day weekend I had a girlfriend come visit. She’d lost a fair amount of weight since our last meeting and for the first time in a while, I was feeling inspired. I watched her pull up each meal on her phone to calculate her points, we talked about weight watchers and how often she works out and about what finally clicked and why now.

I’ve been open about the baby-weight. I gained 48 lbs with Ben and was 8 lbs over my Nate weight making for a 56 pound journey in front of me. The first 20 were gone two weeks after Ben was born and then I sat there for a while. I thought it would keep going down, it didn’t. My experience with Nate was totally different. Seemed all I had to do was nurse him and viola, thinner thighs than ever. Thinner than high school thighs! I’ll nurse him until he’s 16 for these thighs! (no, I weaned him at 15 months) With Ben it became clear that I was going to have to work.

I joined weight watchers in September, lost 15 lbs and then quit. I thought I could handle the rest on my own. I probably could have if I’d been getting any sleep and wasnt actively loosing my mind. I wasnt and I did. For the past several months I’ve given it many half-hearted attempts. A great week here and there. Before summer I was down to 137, I was getting there. Then we started traveling and I started weaning and here I am 5 lbs heavier at 142.  12 from my between kid weight 20 from my before.  (130 and 122)

All summer I promised myself that when Nate was in school things would change. It would be easier and I could force an actual routine on myself. It has been. He started on September 7th and I’ve been in the gym 4-5 days a week since. Not only that, I hired a personal trainer and started weekly boot camp.  I also take a spin class so that leaves me with 2 free days where I lift and run or take a random yoga class.

I feel amazing. A-May-Zing.  My head is clear, my energy is crazy-good and I feel well. Winning, right? Well not quite. Today is the 27th so I started this 3 weeks ago. I’ve lost exactly zero pounds and zero ounces. Color me pissed! I hop on the scale every couple of days and…. sad trombone. 142. Day after day after week after week. What The Fuck, Body?

Yesterday I got an email from Weight Watchers and just clicked thru and signed back up. I didn’t really even think about it I just did it. It would seem that being 34 means it’s going to take a lot more work that it did at 30. So fine. Counting points again it is. After talking about this with my trainer today he put me on the scale and then measured my fat. Down 1.5 % in 16 days. That felt so good! What I’m doing is working so adding the diet in should really help.

The previous roadblocks have been varied but they were all there. I finally feel ready, no, I finally know I am ready.  I am loving workout out this hard. Having someone force me to move past my comfort zone is where the results come from, and I’m not that good at it on my own. My shoelace slapping into my ankle has been enough of an excuse to stop running. I hired him to get the bs out of my head and to remind me how strong I am. And then to make my body look the same.

I’m full of endorphins and of promise and hot ham, I can almost see my hip bones!

I hope they know

I start to stir, the light is a dark pink as the sunrises through the curtains. One is standing next to me whispering “Mommy? Mommy….you wake? Mommy, I’m here, scoot over.”  I do. Of course. I feel the warmth of his body as he moves closer to mine, I smell his hair fresh from last nights bath. I breate it in deeply the scent calms me as I snuggle him close, eyes still closed. His skin is so soft I remember when he was a baby and I’d stroke his cheek as he’d fall asleep back when he fit in my lap but smelled the same.

About thirty minutes later the little one starts making noises from down the hall. I stay in bed listening, holding the big one but enjoying them both. He gets a little louder so I shake Nate a little, “Your brother is up, are you ready for the day?” We get up and walk to Ben’s room. They chat in their own secret code and I am an outsider. I lift Ben and hold him so close I can feel his heart beating, so warm and snuggly, first thing. He too smells fresh from his bath and I again breathe him in as fully as I can. A quick diaper change and he and Nate are off. No longer needing me, they have each other now.

The days aren’t always smooth and easy, some days are but occasionally I’m not well. Somedays I lie on the floor while they play and stare at the ceiling, tears running down my face for no real reason at all. Sometimes I don’t want to talk or play or color, I just need to be. I hate these days, I hate that the best  can do is just being in the same room with them. I don’t want to be away from them, that’s for certain. I need them close to me, they remind me that it’s worth it, to keep going. Still, they know. They know when I’m off, they behave a little better and play a little more quite. They know. They are so young but the get me. Mommy’s not always well.

I’m working so hard on being well. So hard that when these days come they are more debilitating then ever. WHY, is this STILL happening!? I’m doing everything I’m supposed to and should do. And yet, depression and anxiety can break through at times. Medicine is helpful, it’s not a cure.

I’m able to appreciate the good days and I try so hard to let the bad ones go. To make the good ones great, Nate’s old enough to remember this now. They say that you choose the good memories over the bad. I hope this is true. I hope he remembers me at my best and not the mom who sometimes lies on the floor and cries.

Both boys were hard to leave today.  Nate at pre-school, Ben at the gym. Yesterday was a really hard day. It affected them, they didn’t want to leave me today. I didn’t really want them to go, either.

I just hope they know. Not that mommy is sick but that she is working to be well. She wants to be well. I want nothing more than to raise these boys, to watch them grow up and to love them. That going to the gym so much and not letting them eat fruit snacks and making them wash their hands means I love them. Nate knows when I go to the doctor and it’s a lot. He never asks why, he just tells me he’ll miss me. I clutch my heart and go to therapy. When I come home I know three sets of open arms will be waiting for me. So I go and I do the work. I do it for myself and I do it for them.

I love these people so hard. All of this work is for our family. I love them. I hope they know.