I’m stuck. For a while I was keeping up with my projects and my ideas were flowing and all was right in my crazy little world and then it stopped. I have pillows I’ve started weeks ago and just dropped. The basement has a gorgeous pile of what will be a playroom for the boys full of unfinished projects. I have tons of supplies and none of the results.
I hate that.
My sister in-laws are coming next week and my book tells me I am to be done with 2 pillows in Nate’s room and 2 in Ben’s. I have some pictures that need adjusting in Nate’s room, I need to move out his desk and in his little chair and I seriously doubt it will get done. The desk out and the chair in, maybe. The pillows, HA! Not a chance in hell.
Sometimes I think there isn’t enough room in my head. I started on operation fat ass (OFA) about the same time I lost interest in all of my house projects. It’s as if I can’t walk and chew gum at the same time. I need to cram in a workout here and there, I can’t find time or room to sew too. It makes sense but I hate it. I hate that everything takes 10 times longer to finish with the baby but it does.
Mike and I were cleaning up after getting the kids down recently and I was whining about how I’d taken a shower and an hour and a half later was still wearing a towel because the baby woke up and needed to be fed and then Nate had to pee and the phone rang and I found myself making dinner IN A TOWEL and didn’t even realize it and eventually gave up and tossed on a pair of yoga pants and a t-shirt and put my wet hair in a pony tail. Life is long these days. Really long. (as are my sentences, apparently) It seems like even the simplest of tasks go unfinished. Long live craft time and time for a blow out.
I know it is temporary, the craft fallout, the bad hair and yoga pants. I really feel that Ben has come leaps and bounds in the past few weeks and save for the regressions and teething we have beat the infancy stage. HOLLA! But also weep, my baby is growing. My last baby. Thank god, but wait not so fast!
Next up, tighter abs, awesome throw pillows and nail polish. I truly can’t wait.
I’ve come back thinking about letting my blog go. Not the first time and I’m sure not the last but lately I’ve been considering it. Blogging can backfire you see. I am a broadcaster, not much is sacred save for my marriage and all that entails (career,money and sex are probably the only topics I wont share) so I lay it all out right here for the world to read. It is my choice and yet I’ve done it all of these years in spite of it.
There are people in my life that I am not close to, ones that I don’t want to know that I suffer from PPD and GAD,I don’t want them to see pictures of me,my house or my kids. It’s not their business. This is obviously stupid, it this is a public forum and a blog that you can find on Google and yet I feel that not everyone knows me well enough to be allowed this much info. When I started blogging I worried that it would allow for one-sided relationships. I know little about you, you know everything about me. I worried it would make it too easy for friends to see how I am and we’d no longer need to keep in touch.Then there are old friends both good and bad who I know can look me up at anytime and dive right back in without my knowing. I’m all over the web, my home and boys are on flickr, I tweet a thousand times per day and I’m on facebook which is a little more protected but still, I have put myself out there for the world to see and then I clam up over the very fact that it is all out there.
I’ve decided to carry on. This is me, you are here only if you want to be. I will keep writing about my world no matter how different it is from yours. I will write about my mental health even if it makes you uncomfortable. I will gush about how handsome my kids are even if you think they are ugly and I will show off my target clothes because I think it is rad that I feel cute in bargain duds. I will keep talking about my to-do lists and my never-ending effort to keep a clean house and on occasion when I deem appropriate I will even drop an F bomb. I don’t care if you think I’m lame, or spoiled, or a bitch or if I am embarrassing myself. This is who I am and if you like me great if you don’t that’s okay too. No matter, I’m not going anywhere. This is my space and I love it here.
I’m better now. Everything is better now. Really. I can’t remember the last time Nate made eye contact with me and peed on the floor (shit,that was a blast!) Ben is doing well in his swing and is generally in better spirits. I am getting more sleep for now and yesterday I actually ran, took a shower, cooked dinner, washed laundry and got all of my maternity clothes packed away to donate all in the same day. Better.
We’ve been insanely busy. I feel like since having the first and especially the second we pack our weekends with stuff to do. Mike’s never been a homebody like I am and with a rambunctious tot in the house we want to get him out, wear his ass out and put him down for a nap. That’s really exactly how it sounds, we like his naps, a lot, but we also love the process of wearing him out. The kid is a blast to play with. Our weekends are spent out going going and going and oh, my, word, it wears me out too and if there’s anything I love more than both of my kids napping simultaneously, it’s me joining in! Naps, they are delicious.
I’ve been on the wagon now for going on 3 weeks and so far I’ve lost 3 weeks. Okay, not really, I just think I’m funny. I’ve dropped some weight but not enough, of course. I bought a dress for my gf’s wedding and it’s a tad tight, okay, it doesn’t fit but hot damn it is cute. I’ve got 5 weeks. I just cant get the exercise in consistently. I ran yesterday and today my tail bone is screaming for mercy and then there are days where I am lucky to brush my teeth much less shower so fitting in a workout is not happening. I am staying focused, I have too that damn dress doesn’t fit.
I’m going to the dr for my tail bone and am scheduling my time a little better from here on out to keep myself on the list. I hope it works cause I really do want to wear that dress…..
(I know this was a bunch of nothing but sometimes I need to do this to get back into the swing after a break- otherwise I wont know where to start and more time will pass- so sorry and thanks)