So now what?

You guys, I don’t know what to do. That sounds dire doesn’t it? It’s not, It’s about this space right here, my blog. I’m sure you’ve noticed that I’ve gone pretty silent in the past few months; from posting a few times a week to once every two or so. I can’t put my finger on why that is though. Sure I’m pregnant which is its own bag of tricks and rasing a strong-willed toddler which is another but outside of that, I don’t know. I just feel like I’ve sort of fallen out of love with sharing right now. Actually I told my sister that I wonder if it’s because I’m “better”. You know how artists and comedians say that they have to suffer to some degree to produce work? That they can’t be happy or they run out of material?  I sort of feel that way, that I’m well enough that I don’t need to express myself here the way that I once did. The funny thing is I still want to share it all but because I don’t need it as a from a therapy anymore time often passes and so does the topic. In a way this is fantastic, yay me, and all that but then it’s awful. I want to be here, I still love to share and love you all who take time to read and chat with me. And yet I’m not here.

So, help me out a bit, will you? What do YOU want from this space? Is there things you would like to hear about or questions you have about what is going on with me these days? Ask or advise away, maybe you can help inspire a comeback.  I don’t really want to live on Twitter alone.

It’s Friday I’m in love

It was supposed to be a great day, I had two friends coming over for lunch and to visit, the sun was shining and Nate was in a great mood. We were doing our normal morning thing, and then it happened.  I fell down the stairs. Like, for real, like OMG I can’t get up, like, um, is this what it feels like to break your tailbone for real.

I stayed on the landing for a bit rocking back and forth waiting for the pain to chill enough so I could get up but it didn’t so I had to get up eventually. It was bad, I fall a lot but this hurt in a different way.

About 20 minutes had passed and I was so wishing I could have my Mom come for the day to help with Nate and tell me that I’m overreacting when the phone rang. I swear, Mom’s have esp, don’t they?  “How did you know I need you?”  I asked “Oh honey, whats wrong?”  She convinced me to call the ob just to see what they say.  I agreed, reluctantly since Olive had been moving normally and I was sure he was fine. After all, what can an OB do for a busted ass? 

I stared at the phone for a few minutes trying to come up with a story I could tell to satisfy her when I decided to knock it off and call, I would be okay but I can’t risk the baby even if he is seemingly fine and my belly was not involved in the fall.

I hop in the shower, one of two things are going to happen.  My friends will show up and our day will be as planned or I will have to go to the Doctor, better to be shaved than sorry. Am I right?

The on call nurse calls and starts telling me what the deal is, I ask “well, wait don’t you want to hear what happened or how I’m feeling?”  “Nope, you can think your fine but we can’t take any chances.  What hospital do I call to tell them your coming?”  FTW? Hospital?

Damn it, damn it!

Mike’s not at work he’s off site, I have to track him down, call my mom, call Carrie and Beth and pack a bag for Nate.  Lucky I find a direct number for Mike and get the other calls out-of-the-way, assuring everyone that it’s just a precaution and hang tight, I’ll call when it’s over.

Oh, wait can Nate even come in with us? Last time we were there they had swine flu restrictions, no minors.  Dear God, please do not make me do this alone.  I was sure that Mike and Nate would be outside while I go through what ever they’ve got in store for me.  I start to freak out, but just a little.

We get to the hospital and Nate starts to cry. NO!  NO doctor, I wanna go to the Science Center and PLAY Mommy, Please, Please Pleassses!?  – My heart breaks, I try not to cry. I’d rather go to the science center to baby, I tell him.  He get’s over it, I don’t.

We approach the doors and meet up with Mike, the posted signs read don’t come in if your sick, am slightly relieved that my boys can accompany me.  I mean were checking for serious stuff here, detached placenta, decrease in fetal movement… gulp.

We arrive on the 6th floor and my stomach drops. I recognize the waiting room and the admittance desk, the long hallway lit with skylights along the L&D rooms.  Such a great and calming atmosphere, too bad I wasnt working.  I fill out my forms telling myself nothing is wrong, if anything I just broke myself, not my baby.  He is fine, take a deep breath.

I get into my gown which has the nursing flaps.  Not today baby, I say as I take off my clothes and pee into the cup, not today.  I get into bed and the nurse straps on two monitors, one for the heart rate the other for contractions. 

An hour goes by… then another.

Baby is moving like crazy, the heart rate is steady and the boys have decided to go for a walk.  A resident comes in and talks with me about how I’m feeling “In a lot of pain, can you help me with that?”   He tells me I can have 650 of Tylenol and an ice pack, I tell him thanks. (am lying) I later ask the OB who (FINALLY) comes to see me what we can do about my back, she too says Tylenol and ice.  I leave it be, I don’t want to ask for pain killers directly, I felt I was making myself clear.  Also, don’t you even want to check my back?  The resident goes one disk at a time asking me to tell him when it hurts, I do.  End of exam.

What? I think I broke my tail bone.  End of exam, really?

A little more time passes and they’ve spoken with my Doctor and they are pleased with the result of the stress tests, get dressed here’s your release forms and a bag full of ice packs to bring home with you.

It wasnt until last night when I was in bed alternating between ice and heat watching the baby perform circus acts that I finally relaxed a bit. He really was okay, I may not be (I wouldn’t know, thanks OSU) but all that matters is that my baby thriving.  I will be okay in time, he is all that matters.

I grabbed Mikes hand,” I fell in love with him today. I loved him before but today changed everything, today he is real.”  He squeezed my hand “I know babe, I know.”

We’ve been waiting for this

My house smells like a fresh spring breeze and sunscreen. Heaven after the massive amounts of snow we endured this winter. Todays forecast calls for 80° and we are soaking it up.  A walk to the park, yard work, sidewalk chalk, bubbles, the sand table, you name it we are doing it!

If your weather is this great today I hope you get to enjoy it too!

******
Coming up – details on Olives Nursery and Nate’s big boy transition!  I’m having a blast with the planning and can’t wait to share it.