I made it! It wasn’t nearly as ruff as I anticipated. I did the easiest version of Level 1 and it was pretty good. As I mentioned it’s just a 20 minute workout, it moves really quickly so by the time you’re really struggling you move on. I didn’t break much of a sweat but I did feel some muscle fatigue, when it was over I hopped on the treadmill for a 30 minute walk. Even though it wasn’t super hard I do expect this will work for me and I will see changes in my body quickly. I am sure that as I up the difficulty over the next few weeks my ass will end up being handed to me as there are 2 versions of 3 workouts. I am looking forward to it, and so very relieved that the first day didn’t leave me for dead!
Every Saturday morning I greet him with how old he is. “Happy 51 weeks, baby!” While I feed him and stroke his messy hair that smells of baby lotion I remember various parts of his birthday, first week, fifth month, etc. Every Saturday. I am noticing that this sort of emotional internal tradition of my Saturday mornings is creeping into every feeding.
Many a tear have fallen on my boys head as I nurse him to sleep at night. I hold him for a few extra minutes, trying desperately to memorize this moment, how soft his skin is, how his chubby feet are, the weight of his body against mine. When I am greeted by his smile in the morning, he holds on to me and rests his head on my shoulder. I feel my throat tighten. I find myself sitting at the computer watching the screen saver of his first 6 months, in amazement and sadness.
Everyone knows that life moves fast, that babies grow into toddlers, toddlers to teenagers. We have all seen it before, we know it is true. Just like so many lessons handed to me this year, the passing of time has never been as evident. Or so hard, so trying, so damn fantastic.
I suppose it does feel like a whole year has passed. It’s just that having this child makes so many cliches come to light. You try not to live them but you can’t help it. It is true, love like this simply does not exist before you have a family. I don’t know why, or how, but the love you have for other people in your life is not the same. Nothing can compare to how you feel, to what you would do for this tiny little person you barley know. But it is all true. All of the promises made by the Mothers who have gone before you, all of it. Your heart can hardly take it. Your sanity has never been so tested. Such extremes of this yin and yang.
One of the many things that surprised me is how I can keep loving him, more. How does it happen? Each day, each milestone, hell each smile you almost feel the tightening in your chest as your heart swells, again. I am amazed when we have a terrible day that I can forget all about it within 20 minutes of laying him down and miss him. It is often too much. I find myself crying over why me, why am I so lucky, what did I do to deserve this? I don’t know the answer but I know that everyday, whether fever, sleepless nights, or an up to the neck diaper that I am blessed.
As much as I try, as much as I talk about how to stay true to myself while I morph into a Mother, on the days when I’m not caught up in it I know that I am still largely my regular old self. I still have the same interests, like the same food, love the same man, live most of the same life. It’s more like being a Mother added another layer to my onion. The thinnest layer, the one that is tender and bruises easily. One that makes me protective and defensive of my ways. I try to strengthen the new layer but it is work. I find that even when I know what I am doing is right, having confidence everyday is a challenge. It’s not a job you are trained for, it’s one that is always changing so I too, must change with it. I do the research, I walk the walk. Even so, you are never ahead of the game, your boss is sneaky like that.
I have no idea what the next year will bring. I have seen 2 nieces and 4 nephews take my sisters down this path that is before me, yet I know it will hold all new surprises. No way of understanding how fun, hard, tear your hair out, heart growing two sizes in one day kind of madness is just around the corner. I am glad I don’t know. I don’t want to know. I try to hold on to this day, this stage, this baby. I just want to do that for a while longer. Before I know it the baby will be gone, I don’t want to miss a second.
If you read many blogs you have probably noticed that there is something going around. A promise of improvement coming recommend from people all over, they are telling everyone that the proof is indeed in the pudding. Pudding that will kick your butt and make you want your Mommy. What the heck am I talking about? The pudding is 30 day shred. The promise that in 20 minutes a day for 30 days we can all look like Jillian Michaels- who when my husband sees on tv yells in his best Austin Powers “She’s a MAN baby!”
I used to be fit. I used to make going to the gym and eating well a priority. This wasn’t just a lifestyle it was my OCD fix. Counting calories in and calories out. I never had Chai on the weekends, I saved the calories for a Mikes Hard Lemonade or a glass of wine. It was always on my mind, it was it’s own list, Vitamins? Check. 8 Glasses of water? Check + 2. 3 miles on Treadmill? Check.
I am now a squishy pile of excuses. One thousand reasons for why I don’t go to the gym anymore, why I didn’t do more than go for a walk when I told myself the entire hour to RUN damnit, just start running. Sometimes I do but other times I just don’t. Nathan will be one in 10 days. A good week while pregnant was 2-3 workouts, remove weeks 6-12 completely. How many times have I been since I had him, one year ago? I think it would average to less than one time per month. I do dvd’s, Inhale (yoga) walk a few times per week, do sit ups push-ups and use my hand weights but very seldom do I push myself anymore. I miss it, I miss adding distance to my run, knocking time of my mile, the way it feels to stretch sore muscles, the amazing sleep that comes after one of these workouts.
I also miss how it feels to be fueled off apples and granola and baby carrots dipped in hummus, not cookies and popcorn. I didn’t use to snack on junk. I don’t know where I made this turn in lifestyle. The lack of gym going is easy but I don’t know when I dropped the ball on my diet. Why I don’t eat as many vegetables and why I buy cookies when the old me, the healthy me, never even went down the cookie aisle.
So, this weekend we are buying a treadmill. I can run at home without trying to fit it into the child care hours (one of my excuses that is the most valid) this will also be fantastic when we have the never ending line of snow days. I ordered 30 day shred. I broke up with cookies this morning. I’m going to go back to what I know is good for me, what will make me feel like my best self.
I will miss the cookies, of course I will. It is a miracle of miracles that I am under my pre-pregnancy weight the way I have been going. Virtually 2 years without pushing myself. I don’t think it will be that hard though. I expect to feel better right away. I know that for me that after workout high is addicting. When I feel proud of myself for really pushing or for just getting through on a day where I didn’t think had it in me, that keeps me going. I hope that taking care of myself will be old hat, like riding a bike. I may be wobbly at first but I know its all still in there.
I’m not sure why I am inspired now, I’m just glad that I am. Part of it could be that I’m looking down the barrel of another Ohio winter and know this will help me get through it.
Anyone else had a period like this? What got you going again?
I feel I must defend myself before you see these pictures. This furniture is old, the bed was purchased in 1996 at a garage sale, it was brand new the man selling it built it but it was a garage sale nonetheless. After moving it 6 times is has seen better days. The dressers are from Ikea, purchased in 98, the “night stands” umm, there is no way around this one, they are TV trays. Bedding was a Christmas gift in 98, this was/is the most expensive set of bedding I have ever had. My Mom dropped $600 dollars for it and dear god if this is not a testament to you get what you pay for I don’t know what is. The sheets were retired about 5 years ago though, they didn’t last as long as the coverlet and shams, but I digress. My taste when I moved into my first house (in 99 ) was much different than it is today. I’m embarrassed to say it was a little on the side of french country. I was very into blue and yellow (shows the still surviving couch and love seat in the basement- cannot wait to burn them both!) and the house I lived in sort of lent itself to that style. This set was really cute in the bedroom in that house. I had it painted just the right shade of yellow, there was a sliding glass door with crisp white sheers and sage green velvet tab top panels over the top. It was awesome, I loved it… then. I do not love it now. The room is stark, blah and we are just so over it. There is no mood, no feeling, no art, nothing that is us, just throw back the covers and pass out, your brain is dead from lack of inspiration.
So, without further ado… I’ve included a shot of our bathroom as well since I am going to do some work in there too. In an upcoming post I will talk about what we have planned for our grown up room.
And just like that, its over. Summer is gone. Well, not really its going to be 80 all week but the calendar says its fall and school is starting this week so its ovah. You can something is going on. This is our 8th (wow) year of living in/near a college town and you can always feel the buzz when the students come back. I sort of hate it, it’s busier and annoying (er) and more cell phonyer- oh and my favorite, ugg’ier! Dude the number of Uggs on campus per square foot has got to be 14. Though, after our first winter here I am a little easier on the girls who think they are cute since it is often below zero here. Then again I sort of like it too, even if its only because it means I can make a pot of chili and light a candle at 6pm because its already dark out.
Anyway, where was I? Right, Summer is over. We took our last road trip this weekend and I am exhausted! When you have a baby toddlerNathan (what is he at 11.2 months?) the amount of prep it takes to go away for a weekend is about the same as going away for a week. I decided to take it easy this time and just toss some stuff together the morning we left. HAHAHHA! Now I know why I am so detail oriented. I forgot, Nate’s pj’s, shampoo, conditioner, hell- hair products- all of them- well lets just go with toiletries and say I used Nate’s toothbrush because all I packed from my bathroom was makeup. Thank goodness we stayed in a nice place so the shampoo and conditioner didn’t make my hair look or feel like hay. We had a great weekend! I had high hopes for Pittsburgh, we were told we would like it and it was pretty. Well, it was so-so and it was not pretty. Not the parts we saw anyway. We stayed near the airport and spent some time downtown near the Pirates stadium which hello, that side of the river is SCARY! We went swimming and out for nice meals and got wine and cheesecake after Nate went to bed and had a really great time.
The hotels we stayed in this summer have inspired us to overhaul our bedroom next. By overhaul I mean everything but the carpet is going. I/we have had the same bedroom set (bedding included) for ever. Ever being, 10 years, the exact lengh of our relationship. It has served us well, in all of its super cheap Ikea glory but its so ugly to us now. The room is not our style or our taste, white walls, white wood blinds- blank, bland, boring. I loved this stuff 10 years ago but I have changed and it needs to as well. We are toying with ideas of what we want and plan to make it our Christmas gift to eachother. I am super excited! You know I love a project and super love one that involves so much shopping. We have really similar taste so it’s fun and pretty easy for us to shop for stuff together. We will also revamp our master bath a bit too with new paint and accessories.
So, summer is over and my big green house book is out for the duration. My scrapbook stuff is finding its way out of the closet and I am making a vegetable soup and manicotti this week (despite the temps). Summer 08 was a good one, but I am ready to move on to fall.
I appreciate your understanding, so very much. You see, the thing with this blogging is so multifaceted. I keep finding new issues with it. Obviously now I have realized that I have been sounding overly negative and spoiled. Neither of which are attractive to me so how can it be to anyone else. I try to keep my topic’s in check, try not to step outside of my own boundaries, try to be “the good kid” since a lot of my relatives are frequent lurkers, and more often then not I find I have something I really want to write about or need to get of my chest but I cant. There are so many things I have to sound off with in person, to Mike or Heidi. I can’t do it here, or shouldn’t, rather. I appreciate my readers, friends IRL and those of you who are my “peeps in the box.”
I know that you realize that I do live a life I am thrilled with, I acknowledge staying home is a opportunity not realized for so many mothers. I feel like I take that for granted on occasion, I have to remember not only to thank “the money maker” but to be genuinely thankful. Something you aren’t thinking about when, OH-Dear-God-Child-insertmassivereaccuringannoyance-here. I also know that you have most likely been reading long enough to know that I live for Mike, and for Nathan and would throw myself under a bus for either of them. But I have to believe that you don’t come here for that, not everyday anyway. If I was proclaiming my undying love day in and day out you’d get bored and most likely delete me from your reader and move on with your life. I know that I read blogs for many reasons, one of which is to feel less alone and more normal in this Mom Gig. I look for commiseraters, someone to say YES- I know and hoo boy it does suck! You feel better when you are not the only one, and it’s more entertaining to read that we too, are human.
I am human, I am a mother, life is not perfect, I am not perfect. I try too hard, I know this. You know it too. I don’t want to know how many results would pop up if you went half way down this page and searched “mop floors.” This perfect issue I have is real, I know where it stems from and why (Dear god that is a whole other URL right there!) but it is my issue and I have to deal with it and this kid of mine is testing it’s limits everyday. So, I write about it. I struggle with not having the time to deep clean every day (yes- everyday!) I want to vacuum, everyday and can’t anymore, I need to do some work in the yard and haven’t had a chance recently, I need to clean up from the massive storm we had on Sunday and haven’t.
I write about this stuff because it is my life, I feel better when I put it out there, whether anyone reads or not. Allowing the words to flow through my arms into my fingers is a release. Whether you comment or not, getting it out is sometimes all I need to gain perspective. At the end of the day, this is for me. I write for me, to log my life to go back and see how far I have come, or not. To capture memories and feelings. It is for me. It is a bonus that you are here watching while I document it and your taking interest in what I am going through, taking the time out of your day to tell me it will all be okay. Not doing this alone is a bonus.
This Mom business is no joke, it is very hard to be one without your Village. You readers, are in so many ways that Village. I don’t know how I could do this without you. Thank you.
I wanted to pop in and issue a blanket apology for being such a damn brat. All around me I have people going through so much more than weaning and watching a healthy child thrive. I don’t want to be mean or come across seeming like my little world is the only one I am concerned with. People I care about are loosing babies, coping with PPD, struggling with ailing parents, working their way through school while raising a family, who are affected by hurricanes and all kinds of other real issues. And they aren’t whining about it, they are dusting off, dealing and moving on. I need to do the same.
This pity party stops here. I have a good life, a healthy family and I need to spend more time counting my blessings than bitching about them.
Thanks for all of the hang in there’s! I am doing okay, my mood has leveled out and the discomfort has subsided. I get a little ahem, leaky about 30 minutes before Nate’s bedtime but aside from that all is well.
I am back in that annoying place where things are sort of out of my control. Where I love the milestones and playing with Nathan but am not into sitting on the floor for hours on end playing with him. I have put up a few gates in the basement along with some other detours and that is helping a lot. He has learned to climb the stairs, baby gate, he goes right for the power strip under the desk with it’s blinking red light, baby gate. He kept getting stuck under one of the tables that have X style legs, I put a milk crate with about 15 lbs of hand weights inside it to keep him from getting under the table. These few little things allow me to leave the room for a few minutes or to just sit on the couch and watch him, not go after him and re direct.
I keep buying him new toys, thinking that if he had something “better” he would stay put. I am realizing that isn’t going to happen. His favorite toy right now is his body, and I have to allow him to play. That being said he likes to use his toy to play in the dogs water dish. Therein lies a lot of my problem. To keep him away from the dish I have to gate him out, but, the dog needs his water all day and I’m not going to lock the dog away with his water bowl. Some battles I cannot win, I have to allow him to crawl to the bowl, tell him no, and park him across the room. Rinse, repeat. I fell like some of this madness is necessary. If I never tell him no, he will be a brat. I can’t keep him in a room that is 100% baby friendly or later when he is told no and something is taken from him meltdown will ensue. I could be totally off base but I am hoping that going through all of this now will pay off later. I like to think that this is easier than a tantrum?
Because of all of this I am feeling down. Your days are so monotonous, I feel like a hamster on a wheel. There are no surprises, and if there is it is a bad one like no napping, or dog puke! I miss the days of surprise doughnuts at the office- hah! Our days are scheduled, which is nice but also boring. A normal day around here is up at 7:30- Nurse- Diaper change- Cheerios while I eat breakfast- run errands or basement to play until nap at 10- up at 11:30- diaper, dress- 12 lunch for both of us- errands/park/ play -whatever- 2:15 snack ,2:30 diaper, nap till-4:30 – dinner at 5- bath at 7:15- nurse at 7:30. Every single day! I like to get out of the house everyday, that makes a huge difference in my mood and Nathan loves it, too. If I stay home for more than one day it is not pretty. I sort of throw in the towel and don’t get dressed and just mope around feeling sorry for myself and eating cookies. I’m not doing that anymore! I’m getting dressed, leaving the house and man, I have got to stop buying and baking cookies!
Learning how to do this job isn’t always easy or fun. But, it is a gift and I need to remember to treat it as just that.
I just spent a good 30 minutes writing this horribly whiny post about how I am hating the crawling and how I forgot a key ingredient for dinner and rather than go out and buy it I just got pissed and ate 5 cookies, and then I deleted it.
I’m in a mood, I am bored, cranky, engorged…. blah! Circumstances allowed me to wean the mid-day meal on Saturday without Nate catching on and it’s going really well but I am not myself.
I’m steping away for a bit while I get a handle on things. I don’t know if that means a days or a week. I just know that I should spare you. Be back soon, I hope.
I stopped posting recipes a long time ago, they take too long and you never know if anyone is really interested. This is just too good not to share.
My normal guacamole is really good* my mom taught me what goes in it and I love it so it’s what I always make. I found a recipe for some a few years ago and just tried it this past weekend, it was so good you could eat it for dinner. I hate that I waited so long to try something new! If you like mango and avocado, you have to try this. I promise you will love it. Nathan did, and if an 11 month old will eat it and ask for more, so will you.
2 ripe avocados, pitted, pealed and cut into 1/2 inch pieces
1 mango, peeled, pitted and cut into 1/4 inch pieces
2 garlic cloves, minced
1/4 cup packed chopped fresh cilantro leaves
1/4 cup fresh lime juice (about 2 limes)
1 serrano chile, minced (ribs and seeds removed for less heat- these are very mild)
In a medium bowl, combine avocados, mango, garlic, cilantro, lime juice, and serrano chile; season with 1/2 teaspoon salt. Fold gently, leaving texture chunky.
We ate this with blue corn chips- Garden of Eatin’ are my favorite.
*if you want that list of ingredients let me know