Closer to fine

The big Freak Out has passed and I am feeling like I have a firm grip on things again.  Nate is going down perfectly and sleeping well, his naps are a little on the short side but I am working with that.  Now my massive challenge is keeping him out of trouble.  He came crawling from behind the couch yesterday toting half empty bottle of febreeze,  I shook my head at him “I wanted a boy!”  he smiled looking quite proud of himself.

Summer is winding down and I’m feeling ready for fall.  I am happy for a change in the weather and in turn, a change in food and wardrobe.  Soup, Chili, Pasta, pants, socks, sweaters!  Warm hearty fall food, lazy Sunday afternoons watching football, bawahahhahahah, I can safely say that ship has sailed.   I love the way the sheets feel cold in the morning after sleeping with the window open.  I love decorating for Halloween and the colors of the fall leaves.  I can’t wait for the crisp wind and taking Bruno for walks through the fallen leaves, his favorite activity next to eating and farting, we call it “bulldozing” he puts his face into the leaves and runs at full speed.    When it’s gray outside and the house is warm and candles are burning, it makes me want to bake and scrapbook and just stay close to home.  Summer on the other hand makes me feel hurried and like I should be out doing things.  

Mike is taking next week off so we have one more run at some outdoor family stuff.  We are headed to Cincinnati this weekend, my girlfriend and her daughters are coming to stay with us for a night next week and the following week we are going to Pittsburgh for the weekend, we got a great hotel suite so Nate can have his own space which should allow him to sleep, plus it has a pool!  Sunday we will go to a Pirates game and then head home.   It should be a good  couple of weeks, I am really looking forward to it.   I will make sure we take advantage of what we have left, grilling out and going to the park and soaking up the sun before it takes off for 6 months and makes me wonder how I ever got tired of Summer.  I am remembering how hard last winter was, snowing all the time,  so I won’t let this last 4-6 weeks get away from us before we hunker down.

Feeling it coming has my head back into nesting mode again, it rained all day yesterday and it was fantastic, my wheels started spinning almost immediately.  Nate and I went to the big blue home improvement store this morning for a few things we were in need of.  Of course I found myself looking at appliances and lighting and we got a few indoor plants.    I just can’t stop coming up with more items for my list.   This is a seasonal thing for me,  late summer and January, I always kick into high gear and I have arrived.    Sadly, lots of my wants and ideas are going to have to wait a bit since we have 3 projects going on outside but that’s okay.  That doesn’t stop me from getting out my big green book of house stuff.  I’m making a new list,  winter projects.   Some small inexpensive things that can be done while the kid naps, painting bathrooms, closet revamping, things that can be done in a hour or two.   Things that will both keep me busy at home and get me out a little to pick up the supplies.  Hopefully just enough to keep me sane.  Fixing up the house when your pretty much stuck in it is a good use of physical energy.  Or so I am telling myself.

You guys ready for fall, too?

I’m “it”

Sweet Lizzy of Rice Rice Baby  tagged me for a meme.  But, I recently did this exact one here, so I am switching it up a bit so I am still participating, sort of.

It’s supposed to be your quirks, since obsessing is one of mine, here is a list of 6 things I am currently over thinking.

1.  Nate’s Halloween costume:   I am well aware that the calender reads August but whatever.  Mike and are not agreeing.  I say Spider or Horton, he says Owl.  (care to vote?)

2.  Couch Pillows:  I’m working on the multiple pattern and texture look in the living room and have been having a hard time pulling it together.  I am looking everywhere for pillows, I nearly bought cloth napkins yesterday to sew (which no, I don’t know how, thanks for asking) together to make them myself.  See, the problem is this,  I have a sheet of scrapbook paper that is driving me (mad?) it has 5 different patters, all of which go perfectly in the room.  As I mentioned, I don’t sew so I am taking this stinking piece of paper all over town looking for pillows.  

3.  Home Maintenance:   We have a few things going on.  We are having the deck restored, getting a new garage door and having some landscaping done.  All of which has been set up, priced and scheduled by me.  It may sound like I’m complaining but Im not.  I like doing this, its writing the checks I hate.

4.  Nate’s Birthday:  This is two fold.  One is  ZOMG- my baby is almost one, and trust me. this takes up a chunk of every day.  The other is the actual party and every single aspect of it.   What to serve, what theme if any, what should I wear,  don’t forget to download music to ipod for party, and a list of stuff to do around the house before hand- some of which I know I wont do.  Like?  Replace dining room light and hallway fixtures.  When I start making this kind of list, the kind that involve what to do when NEW people are coming over I get stupid and start biting off more than I can chew, in both work and current budget.   Regardless, we WILL replace those hideous brass fixtures, soon.

5.  Nate’s 1st Year Scrapbook:  For obvious reasons, I need to catch up.  I’m 4 months behind.  I want it finished to share it and also to get it done while the stuff is still fresh in my head.  I have outlines done and notes written about what he did which month, etc.  but I want to get it closer to complete so come October all that is left is his party pages. (OMG! One year old!)

6.  The Weather:   Columbus has had .65 inches of rain since August 1st.  Even the weeds are dead.  I am kicking myself for all of the nights I told myself to water the flowers and didn’t.  My gardens are suffering and it makes me sad.  The grass is crunchy but I refuse to use water to keep grass alive, it will come back in the fall.  Besides, every ones looks as brown as ours, it’s not really a status symbol around here.

When the sky falls in public

There are pluses and minuses to blogging.  The plus is the support, the emails, phone calls,your comments, the community.   Usually we chat about the topic of the day or about a memory sparked by reading.   The minus, freaking out when people are looking.  I use this blog for may things,  one of which is to put my feelings out there, it’s a process that helps me deal with what is going on in my head.    This week I used my blog as an outlet.   A safe place, where everyone here who comments is on my side.  We are mostly Mom’s who hold each other up when we need it.  When I wrote about feeling alone and depressed, you heard me.   You heard me loud and clear.    Thank you.  I say this with tears in my eyes, Thank You.   I needed to hear that it was okay, that it was a phase, that I am not a shitty Mom for wanting Nate to just STFU instead of holding him and working through it.  I had had enough, and I came here to vent.  Thank you  for reaching out and making sure I was okay. 

Things seem to have worked out.   Nathan is going down after just one night of letting him cry (for ONE HOUR AND EIGHTEEN BLOODY MINUTES!) he seemed to get the memo.  His naps are back on schedule and with no crying.  He is waking up at 6 to nurse which is a regression in itself but I can handle that easily, he goes back down for another two hours and the rest of our day is the way it used to be.    He is happy and himself, I am doing better and we are getting there.

unraveling

I didn’t know that you could come back here.  Back to the dankness you remember from the early days of sleep deprivation, anxiety and fumbling.  I didn’t know you could spiral backward and loose all self confidence.   And here I sit.  Depressed, alone, not having a clue what I am doing.

Things have been getting progressively harder since we were in Denver.  It started with Nate not napping unless he was in my arms, then to not sleeping at night.  Those three days were terrible, we were both cranky and tired and so ready to be home.  Once we were home he teased me, sleeping all night the first night and napping perfectly the next day.  He seemed to settle into an every other day pattern, perfect and god awful.   Seattle started off on a bad foot.  He started running a fever on the flight over, it was downhill from there.  Add temps in the 90′s and no air conditioning and  we were all on edge.  He is over the virus now but he isn’t “better.”  Neither am I.    He is cranky and fussy, he reaches up, I pick him up, he reaches out and arches his back.  He dosent want up or down our snuggled or to play or anything- he just wants to be a pain in the ass.  I am loosing the ablity to fake it with him, usually I can stay “happy” and he will warm up and shake it off.  Neither of us are shaking it off anymore.    I need a break. 

I don’t know how to do this.   It’s probably just jet lag, I’ve got it too.  I haven’t gone to sleep before 4 am the last two nights, I shouldn’t expect that he would just bounce back, either.   But last night I lost it, he went down perfectly but awoke after an hour and was up until 11.   I held him for hours, rocking, and singing and finally nursing and even that didn’t work.  He just wouldn’t go to sleep. I talked with him in the room, in the dimness of his night light, he was happy then crying, happy and then he head butted me so hard I bit my tounge, had two fat lips and he had teeth marks on his forehead,  Then, we both cried and I kept crying for at least an hour.  I reached my breaking point at 11 and just put him down, closed the door and got into bed in the guest room, listened for a while and then cried myself to sleep.  I don’t know how to do this.

He is/was trained to go down awake, which he is sort of doing but I don’t know what to do when he wakes up like this.   When he is awake, not just needing a belly rub and an bink.   I don’t know what to do with him when I go in and hes crying, sitting up reaching for me.   So, I rock him.   But,  its not working.   Is this nothing?  Is it the trips, is it separation anxiety, is it spoiled, 46 week regression?  I don’t know, but I cant take it. 

He is all over the place now, opening drawers, pulling lamps off of tables, pulling up on everything and I run all day,  redirecting him and trying to think of a way to make things safe (what the eff do you do when they are unplugging the lamp and you need the lamp, its the only source of light in the room?)  I try and keep him confined yet give him freedom,  try to keep him clean,  dry,  bathed, his nails clipped, his teeth brushed, fed,  entertained,  educated,  warm, cool, happy, continent and OMG I am NONE of these things.  The last time I took a shower I was in Washington!  That was Monday, it’s Thursday and I honestly have not had a second to bathe myself.     I am dirty, I am unhappy, I am alone and I am just trying to keep my head above water.

I don’t know how to do this.

We’re back

That trip was hard.  I am exhausted but we made it, Tammy and Chris are married and all is well.  I need a few days to get settled in around here but I will be back with a recap.  Here are a few pictures from the big day.  It was HOT, 94 and in western Washington you dont have air conditioning.   We all look like we are melting.  We were.

 

Some light reading

Are you watching Ashley Paige Bikini or Bust?    It’s good, my latest guilty baby is napping pleasure.  Ashley is a 38 year old bikini designer who has a swanky shop and lives with her mother.  She looks sort of washed up, has funny little tattoos everywhere and is a delightful mess.  She cannot pay her bills and is the easiest sell I have ever seen.  Someone mentions life coach, she gets one,  a non surgical face lift, she books a consult.   She has a ton of dogs, a huge heart and no money for dog food.  The best part of the show, in my opinion, is her Mom, Leah.  Leah is slow, sweet and southern with a very heavy accent.  In one episode Ashley was having a model casting at the shop, there were maybe 50 women lined up outside waiting to put on a suit and strut their stuff.  Well, Leah realizes it is early in the morning and those “girls just look so hungry” that she goes out and buys a few dozen donuts and walks the line offering them , to swimsuit models in LA.  Hilarious!  On another show she wants to learn how to knit a birthday gift for her daughter. Juan, the (only) knitter teaches her how and along the way he helps her with a bit of Spanish.   Leah is trying her hardest but having a terrible time at the end she says, ” I like burritos.”  My head explodes. 

I’m sure you all know of the band Gnarls Barkley, yes?  They were on SNL a while back and I was able to see them perform.  Now, I am a little behind in my pop culture, admittedly.  Since having Nathan its taken a back burner (sadly!). But, in my head this man “looked” like Charles Barkley,  tall, athletic and black.  Well Gnarls (which I now know is the name of the band and not the guy)  couldn’t look any LESS like Charles.   This is probably only funny to me, and to Mike who thinks I am a total idiot.  But at least I can still make him laugh.  Right?

My favorite Design Star won!  Jen.  She has such a cute personality, I love her paintings.  Though it could be her buck teeth that have me drawn to her.  After 4 years in braces and headgear, wearing my retainers every night since having them removed in 8th grade, I can still eat corn through a fence.  I can’t wait for her series to start in January.

I always buy a US Weekly when I travel.  It is the ONLY time I allow myself too and boy do I look forward to it.  This past trip though, I didn’t know who 75% of the people were.  I know I don’t keep up as well as I used to but it made me feel bad, like I was an old shriveled up mom.  31 and already totally out of touch.  The Superficial and MamaPop are not enough to sustain, apparently.

Speaking of old shriveled up Mom- I went off the deep end and cut my hair again.  I don’t know if I like it yet…. I’m afraid I am that much closer to a minivan and Mom jeans.

We are headed to Seattle day after tomorrow and I cannot wait! We will see all of the sisters and nieces and nephews.  I haven’t seen my Dad and Step Mom for months, add Tammy’s wedding on Sunday and I’m just coming out of my skin!   

I am totally exhausted from staying up and watching the Olympics.  I just cant go to sleep, its too exciting. Luckily, with Nate only nursing 3 x’s per day I am back on my diet coke iv drip.  Ahhhh!

Has anyone read “Sleep is for the weak”  yet?  Is it worth buying?

I told Mike that I want an apartment in the city.  My own place, with a white couch a tivo and no boys, no dogs no dust.  It will be clean all the time and smell nice and I can just go there and relax.  What a dream, right?!  Ha, he said he didn’t think we could swing a place of my very own.  Had to ask.

You know what is not worth the effort?  Making your own salsa verde.  Just buy it, my word I will not do that again!

That’s a wrap for today.  I will add this new dontdo to flickr for you to see.  I beg of you to be honest with me, love it, hate it.  Just tell the truth, I can take it!

Home, where ever that is.

Family Vacation is an oxymoron.   Seriously,  like self cleaning or adult male.  

I sort of knew it already but this trip solidified it for me.  When you have a kid, you don’t go on vacation you just do your job on the road.   Now don’t get me wrong, it was still nice to be away from home and its a privilege to be able to travel at all, add Nathan is a very well behaved guy and quite a trooper.  However, that doesn’t change the facts.  Taking this job on the road isn’t pretty.

I did well in the packing department.  I only took a handful of toys that fit in the diaper bag,  enough diapers for the first few days,  3 extra outfits and his blanket.   The load was pretty light, 2 bags checked,  diaper bag, purse and the stroller and Mikes laptop bag, that was the family total.  Doable.  I didn’t drop a bag or a baby.  We were off to a good start.

The weekend was the best part of the trip.  We headed to Fort Collins, where Mikes first cousin and family live.  We did lots of catching up, playing with the girls (ages 2 and 4) and some wandering around the very quaint and gorgeous area.  I liked it there, it was a college town, which I typically love.   I asked Mike if there were any job possibilities for him in the area, he said maybe and then laughed.  “You want to move to Ft Collins, now?”  ” I don’t know, I’ll live almost anywhere, what’s so wrong with wanting to do it with some family around?”  The conversation went on in bits for the next few days.  On our last day there we were sitting at an outdoor coffee shop having breakfast amongst dogs, kids and bike riders and I was loving it.  Mike told me I was kidding myself.   “You like it here but you don’t want to live here, Christina.  Can you picture yourself riding a bike?  Where would you wear all of your shoes?” He was right, I can ride a bike, of course, but this town is not me, the superficial me, rather.  Not that there is anything wrong with that but I like my style, I’m not sure I’m ready to trade all of it in for a bike and a pair of Keen’s.  Though I’m sure they’re comfortable, and I would love to live near the family and I like the idea of giving up the stuff and the labels, that doesn’t mean I’m ready for it.  That also doesn’t mean that I wouldn’t give it a try, either.  It just felt good to be there.

Denver was pretty cool.  Being there during the week brought me back to when I worked in downtown Seattle.  Everyone dressed like they had someplace to go, the bus, the Starbucks on every stinking corner, bike messengers, panhandlers, all of it.  It was different though, I was either wearing or pushing my kid wearing lip gloss and flip flops.  A long way from the girl on the bus with her shoes in her bag, but she was there.  I am still/always adjusting myself to fit who I am becoming,  and I felt like I can be both while I was in the city.  I can go to the drug store to pick up diapers, stop for a walk in the park and swing by and grab a salad on my way back before getting the baby down for a nap.  It was good to juggle our day to day in a totally different setting.  When we chose suburbs over city it was for our family.  I died a little inside when we made the choice, grass beat out pavement.   It was still the right choice, one 10 month old strapped to your chest is as easy as it will get, I know that.   It just felt good to be there.

It also sucked.  Living in that tiny space was terrible, and it was just 3 days.  Nathan didn’t sleep.  He didn’t know where he was, anytime he would move the crib would squeak and he’d cry, or he’d wake up on his hands and knees, and cry.  Or, he’d just cry.  The first night I got through it okay, he was up every few hours and went back down, the second day he didn’t nap at all so the night was horrible, he slept in our bed while I held him,  he would cry if I let him go.  I didn’t sleep much, holding his sweet, freshly bathed rolls and as tired as I was it was fine that I was up.  I realized this would most likely be the last time I get to hold him this way while he is still small.  I ate up every passing hour.   The final night he slept in the crib but woke up a lot.  Last night we got home late, I nursed him down at 11:30 and he slept until 9:30.  Today he took his naps just like always.   I was worried we were in for it when we got back.  I guess he just missed being home. 

Home, in the boring, sleepy, flat, lonely suburbs.  I suppose it’s just as sweet as in the city.  As long as you have your family who needs authentic Indian food when theres a Red Robin just down the road?   Somehow, it just feels good to be here, too.

It is so strange to not know where you belong.  Ohio is fine, is it home?  No, not really.  But, I dont know what is anymore.  Washington was but we have been gone for eight years now, nothing is the same anymore.   It’s been years since I stepped off a plane and felt the feeling of being where I belong.  I still feel the draw there but I forget how to get places,  places that are in there but I have to fight to remember.  I can’t remember the last time I ran into someone I know when we go out.  It’s just not the same. 

I’ve been trying the “where ever I hang my hat” attitude for years but it doesn’treally work.  I just wish I knew what I was looking for.  In the meantime, I will continue trying to make our house feel like home, even if Ohio doesn’t quit fit the permanent bill.  As long as our little family is together, I will do my best to make sure it feels good, where ever we are.

Checking in

Did you know Denver is flat?  Really, and it looks sort of like desert, dry, brown and, flat.  Surprising, I thought it would be green and mountainous, like the licence plate, was wrong!

I’m writing from our room listening to Nate who is supposed to be taking a nap but is just rocking on his hands and knees in his metal, squeaky, up for international adoption crib.   I think I’m going to throw in the towel and head out, it is getting boring in here.  Our Hotel is great but our room is TINY maybe 200 sq ft?  Nate’s crib is in the closet it is so small.  There is a walking Mall just around the corner we are headed too, hopefully Mike will get a break and can meet us for lunch…. Did I mention that we are here for work?  We are, but I am looking forward to our day of exploring!

  Be back soon.