My first Halloween and I can’t have candy!
My first Halloween and I can’t have candy!
It hasn’t completely sunk in what has happened to me in the past 3 weeks. It’s Sunday night and I’m not preparing for the work week, not watching the clock with the feeling of doom. While I know I’m not going to work I don’t quite “know” that I don’t have a job anymore. Well, one that draws a check anyway. This all feels like some sort of alternate universe where Mike and I are home all day together, asking each other a thousand times per day if the other is aware of how cute our boy is, how good, how sweet, etc. It’s as if I’m on some sort of vacation, one long vacation where the one who gets the least amount of sleep wins. I hold Nathan and cant believe he is real, that he is ours. It’s really no wonder that the feeling applies to other areas of my life right now.
Tomorrow monrning Mike goes back to work. This is very sad to me for several reasons. One, that he won’t be home with us playing house anymore. The past weeks while insane with family visits and our clocks being reset by the little one, have been wonderful. Working together as parents suits us. Two, he will miss something. I want him to be here the first time he smiles, rolls over, laughs. Third, it meas that Nathan is already 3 weeks old and the time is flying. I knew that everyone tells you that once you have a child that time will pass like it never has before. It hurts that this is true.
Nathan is changing daily, he is no longer wearing preemie clothes and diapers. Newborn sizes are fitting well. His body no longer looks brand new, all signs are healed over. He is holding his head up, briefly but he is. He is tracking with his eyes, yesterday he watched his mobile for the first time. He is growing fast, while I love that he is thriving it also breaks my heart. I want him to stay under 7 lbs, soft and sweet, fitting in the crook of my arm while he nurses so I can inhale the youth from the top of his head… savoring every moment. This part, the love for this child, this is the part of my new life that I get and have never been so grateful. The rest will sort if self out, for now it’s sharing the quite moments with my boy that make me know that this was the right decision all along.
That pretty much sums it up. Nathans sleep is erratic at best which means mine is worse. He is back and forth with 3 hour increments but every other night or for a few in a row he will cluster feed. Meaning, he eats small amounts every 45-60 minutes and will do so for hours on end. This tends to happen in the middle of the night. I’m exhausted! I love nursing him now that the pain is mostly gone but oh dear god child, I need more sleep. Mike has been fantastic, doing nearly everything for me so I can at least rest during the day. Napping is a lot harder than I thought it would be. See, I eventually snap out of it and am awake for the day. I try and just take it easy but even that is a challenge. I keep cleaning up, doing laundry and visiting with guests. Ugh, the laundry! OMG, I knew there would be more but I grossly underestimated the firehouse factor into this equation. Nathan pee’s when you take his diaper off, often. You’d think I would be prepared for that but sleeping for 30 minutes makes one ill prepared! We have washed our duvet cover and our feather insert 3 times in his 18 days. Maybe writing about this now will keep me from changing him on our bed tonight? In addition to that the kid is a champion spitter-up’er! I thought that breast milk helped with that, that formula was more likely to come. God help me if I ever made that switch. So yeah, the laundry is plentiful.
In addition to the tiredness I’m already loosing my mind. Aside from walks in the neighborhood I have not been out of the house in a week. I cant really get out, it’s not that I don’t want to but our house is full. I can’t just escape for a breather. My in-laws who are awesome (they spent today making 10 meals to freeze for us!) are here until Saturday. Then I get 4 days before my sister gets here. I’m looking forward to them but also I’m not. Mike goes back to work on Monday after 3 weeks off. I’m going to miss him. But, I’m going to get out! We will run errands and visit Daddy at work to show him off, I may also swing by my old job. That will bring a little more sanity, maybe it will bring some sleep with it?
What Ma’, I’m totally rested!
Okay, maybe just a cat nap…
My baby is already 2 weeks old-well two weeks tomorrow! Albeit two very long weeks with the physical recovery, the horrendous breast pain and lack of sleep. Still, I cant believe its been two weeks. Two of the best, love filled weeks of my life.
Nathan is such a good boy! In his first two weeks we have been out of the house about 6 times, errand running, out to lunch with visitors, short shopping trips, and to both his and my Dr. appts. He is just as content at home as his is out and about. Nursing in public is a little tricky, I’ve learned that I need very long v-neck tops if I’m to be successful. Otherwise something ends up showing, my wrap is only so long. I’m very afraid to jinx it but he is a really easy baby. His sleeping is seeming to regulate a little bit, most nights he lets me sleep for 3 hours at a time, but we still have nights were I am up every hour. My books tell me to expect a growth spurt right at the 2 week mark and for him to be insatiable. This weekend could be harder. He only cries if he needs something, food, diaper or wardrobe change. My Mom says he’s easy because Mike and I are so relaxed, I don’t know but I am grateful whatever the reason.
We enjoy him so much! His awake period is around 7-10 pm and its the best part of the day. He is making eye contact with us now which melts me. Just after he finishes up eating he slips into this half awake half asleep state where he smiles and talks up a storm, also a favorite.
He is looking bigger already, he is up to 6 lbs 15 oz as of Wednesday.
When your equal parts planner and day dreamer you have a ton of preconceived pregnancy notions. What it will be like to carry a child, how you will feel, what you will look like, how you want to give birth. I had hopes and fears for all phases but you realize very quickly that you’re not in change of this process, your merely the vessel. Pregnancy has it’s own plan for your life and your body and you may as well buckle up! This proved itself time and time again while I was expecting Nathan, from the bleed I had at 7 weeks, the life stopping nausea, the unimaginable weight gain of
46 52 lbs. and the never-ending joint issues. The love that seemed to grow as quickly as the belly. Birth was no different.
On Friday night the 5th Mike and I were going about our usual Friday evening routine. Grocery shopping and dinner out, then home in time to watch “The Soup” in bed before finally crashing. We had talked about all of the tasks to complete over the weekend so we were ready for our families should the baby come a little early. HA!
1:50am- I get up to use the bathroom and feel an uncorking sensation. Check and sure enough I had lost my mucus plug. “Hmmmm, Interesting.” I said out loud. Got back to bed, trying not to get excited as this can happen well in advance of labor. As I was settling in Mike asked what’s interesting, I told him and he asked what that meant. “Nothing babe, you can go on without it for weeks. ” He rolled over.
2 am- Ouch, that felt just like a bad period cramp. I thought it was just a coincidence and tried to relax.
2:08am- Sweet Jesus, what is going on. Sit up and note the time, scared that I’m actually noting the time.
2:18am- 10 minutes, but this hurts. I get out of bed to walk it off.
2:24am- 6 minutes, crap these hurt!
Mike gets up because I’m breathing thru the pain and pacing the hall. He asks whats up. I told him I don’t know but these contractions are not braxton hicks and I’m watching the clock but also not convinced this is “it”. They continue at 6 minute intervals.
3am- I’m in the babys room rocking my hips from side to side the way they showed us in birth class to try and ease the pain and my water breaks.
I run past Mike in bed and tell him I think this may be real. I was in total denial but I also knew I hadn’t wet myself, but seriously, could my water have really broken? I’m only 38 weeks 3 days, first babies are not early.
Mike gets up from bed and is asking if we should start packing, I say I don’t know. I really could not accept this. I tell him lets wait a bit.
3:03am- AHHH! 3 minutes apart, WTH? Okay, I tell him to get my phone it’s time to call the Dr.
The next 30-40 minutes were me trying to pack while huffing thru each contraction. This was no small task. Thank goodness I had a list of what I needed, the baby stuff was ready but mine was not. In-fact the clothes I had intended to wear had this started in the middle of the night were in the hamper… I put on clothes off the floor and threw some stuff in a bag. The Dr called and just told us to go to the Hospital, your water never breaks if your not in labor- evidently I need to be told this. I check the list one last time and see the bottom reads, “car seat.” I loose it, OMG I’m having a baby! I yelled out loud crying with fear and excitement.
We are in the car and start to make the phone calls. Remember all of our family is on the West Coast so when the phone rings at 12:55am you know something is up! Okay, done.. all are notified.
4am- HUGE GIGANTIC fluid gush….in my new car, on my new seat, my pale grey fabric seat.
4:15am- Mike pulls into the parking garage, I’m contracting and not paying attention to the location. It’s THREE blocks over and 2 up from the Hospital entrance. Oh my holy hell I’m going to have this baby on the sidewalk.
We walk the 5 blocks to the entrance and it takes forever, my contractions are now 2 minutes apart and I am leaving a trail behind me, walking is slow and I hurt all over. About half way there I get scared that this is going way too fast and walking was a bad idea, I could be moving things along even more quickly which scares me.
This is where I start to loose track of the time a bit but we get upstairs and I find myself a vinyl seat and Mike checks me in. I get to skip triage as the fluid is pooling and I’m breathing like a bulldog wincing in pain, they wheel me to a birthing room. Again, I’m freaking out and ooooooh do I need a bathroom STAT! I make it and before I’m even seated a nurse comes right in, end any since of modesty now. She asked me if I had a stomach ache? Yes, I tell her, she says thats good. Whatever you say, please shut the door.
I get out of my soaking wet clothes and into a gown and to bed. I ask for the drugs. Mike asked if I was really sure and yes without a doubt I need help. I was at 5 cen. but I didn’t know if i was already at 5 or only at 5, and what was ahead of me. At any rate I knew I was only half way there. The next hour was spent in agony, trying to answer the intake questions, being stabbed nearly to death by a nurse trying again and again to find that mystery vein for my IV and finally, vomiting, a lot. Another nurse came in to take over the IV process and then she took some blood. I would have to wait for my blood work to come back from the lab and oh, by the way. The anesthesiologist is in a c-section so we need to talk about how to labor naturally as she may not make it to me in time. You have GOT to be kidding me! She starts going over breathing techniques and how I need to let my uterus do the work, relax your whole body when the contractions come. I looked her in they eye and asked her if she had ever had a baby, she said yes with such sympathy in her eyes I knew she knew I need the drugs. She knew I couldn’t do what she was saying. When the contraction would hit I would stop and hold my breath, every muscle in my body would tense up I had to be told to breathe, the pain was just so intense that I couldn’t’ remember to do it on my own. I started crying, I told Mike that it hurts, please, please help me.
Enter the power of pain relief. Pat was here, I was going to live. She was going over the dangers, the side effects, and the procedure. Never stopping when I would have a contraction, she was all business. The nurse called up to the lab, they lost my blood work. I am one of 3 women in labor in this entire hospital and you lost my blood? You cannot have your epi without the blood results. Pat, god bless her ignored the nurse, had me sign the clip board and told me she knew I couldn’t wait for another blood draw and the results, at least 20 minutes and she set me up. As soon as I was in place, draped and clean I started puking again. She was trying hard to be patient with me but I couldn’t stop. She had Mike and the nurse hold me still, thru the vomit and the contractions and by god she got that line in. Within about 10 minutes I was feeling better. Then, the nurse that couldn’t find my vein told me that I needed to empty my bladder. Okay, I tell her and begin to sit up. Not so fast, she means she is going to give me a cath! OMG, she is going to kill me. It wasn’t bad, but she didn’t leave it in. I ended up getting another one at the shift change that stayed with me to the end.
I was afraid that having an epi would take away all of the feeling and I wouldn’t have any power to push. It was perfect! Enough to take away the pain but I could still move my legs, left one was a led weight but I could move it and I could feel the contractions up in my breast bone area so I still knew what was going on. This was good, I could do this!
I’m feeling better, I’d stopped vomiting now that the pain was under control and everything was going well. She suggested I get some sleep. It sounded ridiculous as I was now really excited but she turned down the lights and I tried to relax.
About 10 minutes pass and 4 Dr.s are charging in my room talking to each other but not to me or to Mike. I am watching them, waiting and they finally tell me that the baby’s heart rate had slowed dangerously low and they would have to insert a monitor to get a more accurate reading. The scalp electrode, one of my no way in Hell items. I didn’t have a say and they certainly didn’t ask me, they just put it in, and screwed it into my baby’s head. They watch and wait and still not better, they give me an oxygen mask and roll me to one side, then the other. Baby preferred the right so I was to stay on my right side and wear the oxygen until he was born. It was light out now and Mike went to sleep. I tired to rest but sleep wasn’t happening, I was hanging on every hollow tick-tock noise to my left that was my baby’s heart beat.
As I lie in that bed I took inventory of my attachments. The cath tube taped to one thigh, the scalp electrode to the other. A contraction monitor around my belly, the BP cuff on the left arm, IV in the right, Epidural tube in my back and an oxygen mask. I got a little sad, this isn’t what I wanted.
Another chunk of time passed and the nurse was back in, I told her I was feeling quite a bit of pressure. She decided to check me, 10 centimeters. She was going to call my Dr. The Dr wanted a few “practice pushes” and a call back, so we set up and she tells me what to do. The next contraction, I push like hell. She tells me to stop, feel this. His head! She calls the Dr back and I’m told to wait. Okay. Mike goes and makes a few calls to tell everyone I’m at 10 and to stay tuned. She finally comes in and the urge is intense, I want to push in-between the contractions, I NEED to push during them. I’m holding my breath afraid that one exhale and I will push accidentally. She calls my Dr back to make sure she is on her way. A few minutes later she arrived. She tells me next contraction, give it hell. I do. She says, Ill be at the desk come get me in 30 minutes. She leaves and the nurse says, this baby will be born before that, help me prove her wrong.
10:30 am- exactly. We are rolling, an extra nurse is in the room everything is set in place, the baby warmer is preheating. It’s time to go!
3 pushes later they go get my Dr. Okay, she says so maybe not 30 minutes. My nurse winks at me.
Pushing is amazing. I love to push! My little team of two nurses, my Dr and Mike all tell me I’m the best pusher, Yay me. I’m almost having fun, I really, really loved this part of labor…….. until, Dr. asks. “If I cut right here will you feel it ?” I ask her to pinch it hard to check, Yes, I tell her I can feel that. I get a local, and hear the snip. No way in Hell item 2, check! Push some more, shake of the snip. Mike is south of the equator, watching everything, my biggest supporter, cheering me on the loudest!
10:58am- with one huge last push the baby and all of the afterbirth were delivered. Nathan was put on my bare chest and Mike and I cried together, looking back and forth from eachother to Nathan touching him, kissing his head, becoming a family. He was here, we were parents.
The next few hours are a blur. They sewed me up, and I got a shot to control some excess bleeding. We tried nursing and took turns holding our son. When the nurse moved me from bed to the wheelchair to go to our room I started vomiting again so I got a shot to stop that. That made me a zombie. I was in and out of sleep while they gave Nathan his first bath and he had his first check up in our room, Mike by his side while I watched as if it were a movie. When I came to around 2 in the afternoon I was on top of the world, the adrenaline had kicked in. I was at long last, a Mom!
This picture makes my heart explode. Watching these two brings tears to my eyes, Mike is so good at this. He reads him books and makes up little songs, stops to kiss him before he leaves the room and tells him he loves him 1000 times a day, changes as many diapers as I do, checks in on us in the middle of the night while I’m nursing, he’s present. This is all so much better than I ever imagined. I have never been so in love.
Hey- sorry Ive been MIA for a few days. Nathan is doing great it’s me who is having a hard time. Been feeling sick since Tuesday evening and went for a check up today and have a uterine infection. Nice. So, am on antibiotics and Dr. promises I will feel better in a day or two. Birth story is still coming, I promise! Here are a couple picture’s to make up for this dribble.
Well, someone wanted out badly! I will give you the full story later but for now just the stats and a few pictures.
Nathan was born at 10:58am on October 6th.
6lbs. 6 oz
Belly around 3am before leaving for the hospital
Us in our room a few hours after birth
I will be back soon to give the full scoop.
This is Heidi, Christina’s sister. I just wanted to let you all know that Mr. N is here! He was born this morning at 10:58am. Mom and baby are both healthy and doing well. Christina will fill you all in with the details and some pics of this adorable little guy when she returns home and is settled in.
P.S. I know his name and you guys don’t!!!
I tell you what. it feels like I have been carrying this child for a year! In regard to a previous post where I mentioned the 40 weeks of gestation, I’ve been twice corrected in the way I count months… month is not 4 weeks though I thats the way I have always rounded. I am still 38 weeks today but when you tell people the weeks they just stare at you and blink, so its hard to give them what they want. Today I was asked by a customer when this guy was coming, i said two weeks, he thought I was two weeks late. You cant win, I cant either, don’t I wish I knew the answer to “when.”
Had my 800′th dr appt today and it went well. Today’s Dr. told me that she had gone over my chart and thought she was going to have to come in and tell me I’m having a 10 lb’er. After measuring me and feeling the baby she said that was incorrect, he might make it to 8 depending on d-day and I am measuring right on track at 38.. then we did the internal. 70% effaced, 1 cent. dialated. So thats some progress, while you cant determine anything from it I was glad that it was something.
Again, as with the weeks prior I’m taking the size estimations as just that. It’s feeling like the weather report these days, no one agrees or really knows for sure. So, here I will sit waiting for him to come out and answer the question himself. My boss is now betting on him arriving before my next appointment on the 10th. Here’s to hoping!
I’m getting to the end of my rope which I am sure is evident by the change in my tone over the past week or two. I am not having an easy time at all, barely sleeping and just so darn uncomfortable. I apologize for the snark in my “voice” but this is real, I don’t sugar coat any of what I put up here to be read, how I feel comes out without much edit because really, what’s the point? I’m thinking I need to take a blog break for now, maybe just thru the weekend. I need some rest and I don’t want to keep putting crap out there as filler. So, this will be farewell for the week. If there is any action with Nugget I will let you all know asap so assume that no news is just no news. Thanks for putting up with me lately, it means a lot that you all still come and comment when I’m just complaining!