no shopping: the half way point

Back in November I decided to rein in my somewhat out-of-control shopping and stop it all together for a year. I updated after the first month (maybe 2?) but a few things have changed so I figured I’d bring you up to speed since it was something I got a lot of questions about.

First, after the first month, I had to give my self a “social allowance”  I realized really quickly that in order to see my friends and have any time outside of the house just for myself I had to have a some money. Now, it’s not much, just $35 a month. I use it for my time or two a month where I see my friends. For lunch, a movie, coffee, etc. It’s a tiny amount of money but it’s on purpose so I don’t spend my “social allowance’ on the crap I was blowing money on before.

Now, I did complete a design job in March and I spent every single dime I made on myself. I got some clothes, a pair of shoes, an end table and some project supplies. It was GLORIOUS.  I also invested in a few new bras, but hot ham, those were necessary.

It’s getting harder. I have to admit. I’m loosing weight and the seasons have changed and I need (want) more gym clothes and really just want to go shopping.  Yesterday I was at the mall and it was so hard. Everything I see that I want, I have to put down. And that’s the point, to change my habits because I don’t need everything I want. Clothes are hard, home stuff is hard, okay fine, right now it’s all hard. I just want some retail therapy. GAH!

Mike and I are going on vacation in July for our 10th anniversary and I am going to buy a few things for the trip, a new swimsuit, a hat, a cover up or 3 and probably a new dress. So, that’s spending money, yes, I know but it’s our first trip without kids EVER and well, shut up, I want new shit. Okay? he’s getting some new stuff too so…

So, that’s where that’s at. Will I make it to November? Yeah, the first six months have gone fine and most of the time it feels really good to walk away from stuff. I’ve learned that just because something is cute or “me” or would go so great “there” doesn’t make it worth my money. What I’ve learned so far is that quality is a better buy than quantity, meaning target t’s are cheap now but in the end if I’d bought one from jcrew it wouldn’t have a hole in it.  I probably didn’t have to go to such extremes to realize such a no brainer but here I am.

I cannot wait until this is over….. thank god my birthday is coming up soon.  Come on gift cards, mama needs some lululemon!

Sunshine Day

Sometimes you just need more sun. More of your favorite color to keep your energy up. More fun.

Tons going on in my world in the past few months. Tons. Including starting my own design business! More on that very soon. Having a hell of a time naming said business. Still, super exciting. Lots of new beginnings up in this little burb of mine.

Feet dragging

A theme has come over my life in the past two or so years. “I’m too tired to go on.” I say it all day, every time I have a chance to sit down and 1000 times per phone call with my sister and every damn time I have to unload the dishwasher. And honestly, every time I say it I mean it. I’m tired.

I’m so physically tired that my body is heavy and my feet are wearing concrete shoes, my knees creak with each step. I have sore muscles in my back from poor posture because being this tired makes me slouchy. I have a ton of headaches, I just assume they are related. I workout hard, harder than I’ve ever worked out in my life which is the only thing that really gets me through my day but without fail, three hours after that workout I could fall asleep behind the wheel of my car. But without the workout, I’d never make it.

I’m mentally out of it. My mind doesn’t so much wander it just tunes out. I have a hard time concentrating. Cooking takes forever, my to-do lists are often half of a list because I just start to space and I’ve had the same book on my night-table for two months. This works well for gym time, I just move without thought until I can’t move any longer.

The problem is so simple, get more sleep. The solution seems obvious. The kids wake randomly at night and get up early, anywhere from 4:30 am on. I pull them in my bed, grab two eggos, two sippys, turn on the tv and sleep for a few minutes at a time until the sun is up. I go to sleep around 11:30, the same time I’ve gone to bed for years. Sometimes a little earlier but that’s just bedtime, it’s when my body finally stops me in my tracks. I just don’t get enough sleep.

I love sleep. I miss it. I miss it so much. And as out of balance life seems without it, I’d stay up forever for these kids.

 

Damn Den

I took over twitter today beggging for help with this stupid room. It has perfect bones for a home office. Two huge windows and plenty of space for the crap I have in it and yet, I hate it. Now I love a room with a mix of furnishings but in this case, it’s part of what is wrong with it. But, we are traveling a ton this year (yay) so a budget for new pieces is out. I could paint or get a new rug (lets pretend that I didnt buy the one in the photos today) (I did)

I love the chair in the corner, I need to sew its cover (the fabric is just draped over it right now) it needs to be stained or painted. Which and what color?

I love the bookcase, I stained that mo’fo in the dead of winter until my fingers fell off on a 3×3 front porch of the first place Mike and I ever lived. It stays but I’m not aginst a makeover.

The desk was a “hey, we need a desk, this one is pertty fug but it’s damn near free, lets get it” and I never liked it but it serves well.

The rug was grabbed today becuase the chair is stripping the finish off the floor under the desk, it’s a little too small and I just grabbed the least offesive pattern. It is temporary.

Everything on the walls stay. This is Mike’s office, I do use it durning the day a lot but it’s his. So, the diplomas and baseball stuff stay. This doesnt mean I couldnt add to it…

So- here are the pictures. Take a peak and HIT ME! I am stupmed!

I’m…

I’m a lover of all things. I love people and places and stuff and plants and the sky and everything you can see and touch and enjoy. I love fabrics and texture and accessories and getting dressed up and wearing yoga pants.  I love a good haircut and pulling my bangs back off of my face. I love my kids, oh, how I love my kids and my husband, who deserves his own post. I am a lover. I wear my heart on my sleeve. and across my gigantic grin. I’m genuine, when I tell you I LOVE IT, I couldn’t mean it more. When I tell you I love you, believe me.

I want to be better at everything I do. See, I love it all. I love to cook for my family, even though it’s the hardest part of every day. I love that every week I make all new recipes, only repeating the incredible now and then. I love the look on my husbands face when he takes that first bite . I love the sound the knife makes when it hits the cutting board. The buzz of the kitchen when it is alive with music and the fan running and the smells.  Still, I wish I were better at planning and getting dinner on the table at the same time.  I love to feed people, when my house is full of friends or family and the kitchen is buzzing, that is when I am most at home.  When the flowers are fresh and the candles are lit. I love a house full of love.

I love to decorate. I love to make a home out of 4 walls. I love the opportunity to make nothing represent my family. I wish I could create more storage, and have less kid clutter and that there wasnt a giant rip in Nate’s quilt right now but this is my life and life sometimes has holes. I love to fill a space with life and love and color and plants. I even love the holes.

I love to create. Wether it’s baking or sewing or crafting or designing a room. This is when I am most at peace. When I have a new idea or a current project, I can focus on nothing else. I get project add and my mind spins and the house gets messy and I forget to eat. I feel so alive when I can make new things. I wish I could do it everyday. I sometimes daydream of when the boys are both in school all day and I can sew for hours or make candles or try to make crapes. But then I rewind because,hell no. Slow down.

I’m not very good at being a mom when my mind is too focused. The worst days are when I’m in trapped in creativity. When the kids need me I get annoyed, I’m busy. I’m being Christina right now. I don’t like the way that feels, but it is true.

I struggle with balancing my love. When you’re my friend, I will lift my car for you. I love you, have I mentioned? Anything you need, I’m here. And I won’t let you forget. I don’t have a lot of friends and that’s my choice. I can’t be this to more than a few people. I don’t know how to be half of this. It’s all or nothing. I have to keep my circle tight. But then sometimes, well, often, life is real and I miss an email or can’t get together for a while and sometimes I just drop the ball and that’s hard on me and on “you”- I’m there! There! There! and then,, not. I get busy with sick kids or down, and then I hate that. And I feel badly and guilty and then I start to eat too much and do what my therapists calls “catastrophize” and suddenly I suck at everything and I never sent those thank you notes for Christmas gifts, surely everyone will hate me and think I’m a horrible mother and I’ve not seen my friends and I promised I’d bring Darci a meal but then the whole house got the flu and I can’t contaminate her new-born but I said I would and……..

The thing is, I’m just really sensitive. I feel everything. I cry when I see car accidents, I fight myself from offering strangers a ride when it’s raining. I want to give everything to everyone and make everyone in my life happy. I really do. because what is better than happy? Why wouldn’t I want that for the people I love? But, I cannot be everything to everyone. And I know that, but I’ve found that if I keep my body moving and my head clear, I can be everything to myself and that is what matters most.

Bigger

It happens daily and right before my eyes. One of them does something new and catches my attention. One wakes up taller and thinner, the other says “I’d recommend having the marshmallows.” I’m caught off guard by every third move, a sideways glance that reveals my face, or Mikes or very often in Ben, my paternal grandfather.

It’s such a gift, being a mother. The ability to create these people and then be able to stay home with them and watch them grow.  Ben, who doesn’t speak much, understands everything we say and follows directions like he’s in boot camp. Nate with his scrunched up face yells, “FINE THEN, You figure it out.” Or tells stories about his life outside of home and on his own, finding his way at school and making friends.

They play together like they knew each other before they got here. How can you have such a bond in such a short time? Watching kids together they teach each other so much.  They teach me so much by watching and by letting them work out their problems.  Nate teaches Ben his dance moves and they hold hands in the car and kiss each other goodnight and trade sippys when Ben has milk but wants Nates juice.

Everyday, they get bigger and better at life and I realize that they are doing this in preparation of leaving me. And hot ham, as crazy as they made me today I’m not ready for them to be that big.

Heavy Sigh

It’s been a hard few days. I couldn’t wait to get back into the routine after Christmas and now here we are and I’m bored and so tired and a little manic. I want to do a ton of stuff but I’m so tired that my mind races but my body is still. I just don’t get any sleep. Last night both of the boys were up a ton. I spent less than an hour in my own bed before I was up answering to one of them. Ben’s going thru the 18 month sleep regression, this will end. He’s been a great sleeper for nearly 5 months now. Hopefully this will end soon. Nate on the other hand, never sleeps all night. Every time he stirs he comes and wakes me, and I can’t just tuck him in, I have to lie down with him until he’s out. Then he does it again, usually 1-3 times a night and then around 5 he crawls in bed with me. Ben’s up at 6. I’m so sick of bitching about being tired, you have no idea. I’m not a complainer but this has made me so moody, night after night after month after year.

I spent some money and I’m really pissed off at myself for it. It started with a pillow last week but I took that back the next day. I thought about buying it so hard in the store and decided to get it, then when I got home I was fine with it, I was going to keep it. But I couldn’t, I felt guilty and it went back. Yesterday, after working out, Nate asked in his sweet little voice,” Mommy, can we go to Old McDonald’s?” I can’t take it when hc calls it that, we went.  $13. Food, so sort of okay, I guess. But impulse and a no-no for what I’m trying to achieve. Plus, its shit, and my kids shouldnt be eating it. Today, after I dropped Nate at school I needed to go to Target for some meds and Ben had been up since 4, and I knew if I went home he’d fall asleep and ruin his nap…so I went to Michael’s, and spent $8. Just some stuff to finish a project and it’s just $8 but damn. I broke. Is it the sleep? Is it lack of give a crap because of the sleep? I think a little of both, really.

It’s supposed to snow tomorrow afternoon and on Friday and for some reason that seems like a big ole pj-day permission slip. I’m looking forward to that. I think I need to crock-pot something too so I can really just do nothing for a bit.